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How can I stop looking for a partner?

(12 Posts)
FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Sun 28-Dec-14 18:11:26

I know a lot of posters here are happy being single. I'm not
I miss being part of a couple. I would love to have someone special in my life.
However.. I am not ready to date. I am not
over my ex.
My son is 11. He has issues which we are waiting for a CAMHS referral. He needs me.
But every day I obsess about meeting 'mr right' (yeah right). For example if I go to a social gathering instead of enjoying the moment I will be checking out the dynamics such as is there a single man here? Instead of enjoying the company
I joined a walking group. It is a huge passion of mine but part of me gets all geared up in case there maybe a potential date on a walk, when I should just be happy with the fresh air and scenery.
Every day I sit here and wonder when and where 'he' will show up.
He may never show up. How can I be happy being me?

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 28-Dec-14 18:22:04

Hello Frog smile

I think what you're describing is normal, especially when you have had a long term relationship break in the way you have experienced. I'm glad you recognise that it is not the right time though as it is still very early days for you.

Well done on the walking club! Maybe focus on that as it makes you happy. Try and concentrate on the surroundings, maybe take photos and start a happy memories album of your walks?

Personally, I get a little fed up of being told by well meaning people that he will turn up when I least expect it and not to be looking for him. Having said that, I did meet my STBXH when I wasn't looking and was focusing on my career maybe that's a bad example though wink

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 18:28:29

It's really difficult, I'm single too with a son with sn, I'm happy to be out of my previous relationship but do miss being part of a couple. The problem is the more you look the less likely it will happen, you can give off 'vibes' without realising it and come across as desperate, I'm not for a minute saying you do just that once you stop looking and enjoy being you and have a full life without a man you will probably find you'll be fighting them off. This time of year is especially hard to be single, no one to cuddle up to etc.
Maybe focussing on yourself and your son and trying to make friends with the opposite sex rather than wanting a relationship with them may actually turn into something more.
Sorry I've probably not been much help, just wanted you to know your not alone smile.

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Sun 28-Dec-14 18:32:52

Hello handful! Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I'm just so lonely and fed up. I need to live my life in the 'now'. I am not joking when I say it (it being my 'happy ever after) occupies every minute of every day

gatewalker Sun 28-Dec-14 18:37:15

Frog -- Have you considered therapy? We so often look 'out there' for happiness and love and security/safety when it serves us far better to find it in ourselves first. Therapy is that excavation process, and it takes time, but it works.

A book that I often recommend to people (and which I've read a few times over the past 10 years):

"The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other" by James Hollis. A real eye-opener.

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Sun 28-Dec-14 18:38:39

Hi just
I don't actively pursue. I knocked OLD on the head. Its more my thoughts. I do want a full life without a man.. and be happy about it.
thank you for your reply. I've read your previous threads. Here's to a happy 2015 smile

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Sun 28-Dec-14 18:41:18

Gatewalker thank you for the book suggestion. I will definitely be getting that.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 28-Dec-14 18:42:26

Yes thank you, a little bit easier than last year.

Can you write two lists, first one what you miss about being in a relationship and second one to be about what you like about being single, make that list longer and put no worries about infidelity at the top!

I'm guessing you're feeling it too as you are going through so much with your DS and the concerns you have over the CAMHS referral. It can be those times when you would like to share the 'burden' with a partner.

There's nothing wrong with always looking and feeling your best 'just in case' you meet Mr Right but you do need to do it for yourself to make yourself feel good.

Not wishing to belittle your strong feelings that you have but could it be a phase? Another step in the healing process that will pass? I believe I have gone through it myself.

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Sun 28-Dec-14 18:52:34

Handful maybe it is a phase. I hope so. I guess there is always that part of you that feels aggrieved that you were so easily replaced (well not actually replaced given that he was seeing another woman)
I guess I want to 'replace' him

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 19:00:01

I get that, I understand the need to replace him but until you are completely over your ex (and you WILL be at some point), any relationship is likely to be a rebound and may actually make you feel worse in the long run.
The book sounds like a good idea, think I may order it myself! I too think it's probably a phase and you will come through it. You will find love again, of that I am sure, it just won't be as soon as you want it to be. Let's hope 2015 brings happiness for us all x

holdyourown Sun 28-Dec-14 21:34:57

rather than stop looking completely, could you give yourself a bit of 'time off' eg 3 months or 6 months and just use that time to focus on you and doing things you want, reading self help, counselling or whatever?

namexxxchangee Sun 28-Dec-14 23:14:12

I've named changed for this as probably recognisable.

I used to be exactly like you but (due to a combo of issues) put on A LOAD of weight in about 3 months. I ended up feeling really unattractive to men and it actually cured me of your issue.

Prior to that if I was going anywhere where their would be be "potential" men I'd make a big effort - dress really nicely, lots of subtle "perfect" make up, hair done etc etc. Probably trying too hard. Or a more refined "dialled down version" of trying too hard.

When I got fat, I couldn't get into any of my "attractive" gear and ended up not caring what I looked like. Honestly, I gave up. I became a bit depressed about how I looked and stopped caring. Once I'd got used to feeling fat and horrible, it was unbelievably liberating. I just went to things I wanted to go to (like your walking group) because I wanted to go and stopped "looking".

I felt "safe" because I knew (well I felt) I wasn't attractive. It was in this state of semi-obesity that I met a bf - because I really wasn't looking. We became friends first. And I felt really secure that he wanted me as a person - not the super-sexy version of me in my spangly sparking best state.

I can't say that I'd really advise putting on weight and (to be honest in my case) utterly letting yourself go is a healthy or sensible course but it was
very liberating.

As an alternative suggestion: How about forcing yourself to go out not looking your best? Not putting on make up or whatever you normally do that makes you feel sexy/attractive. If you don't feel that way, then subconsciously you stop that Rabbit-Ears-Up-Sniffing-The-Wind-MAN MAN MAN approach. - that is really unattractive anyway.

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