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hi eveyone

(69 Posts)
tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 16:37:34

First of I'd like to say belated Merry Christmas and happy new year in advance. I need some advice from all of the ladies whether they are single or mums. I'm a mom myself with two princesses.
I'm in a spot of bother these days and need help with getting my emotional strength back, because I seem to have gotten myself in a relationship where I feel used, disrespected and a booty call. The guy who Im a involved with currently, approached me in a very nice and decent manner. He is a single father himself and showed great care and concern towards my children at first which kind of faded over the last couple of weeks. I fell like that he wants me to head over to his place every two weeks when my children are with my ex and relax myself and have a good time, until recently I started having the feeling that he wants me to come over to his place to satisfy his biological urges. he says he loves (funny thing he said that he has fallen in love with me within the first 2 weeks of chatting with one another). the guy has helped me when I was in a dire state and in a panicky situation when I I came out of the refuge. but I always have the nagging feeling this he does this so that he can keep getting free sex from me. he kind of have twisted his feeling of love for me with physical needs. now that I have stopped it for a time being because of my personal circumstances he has limited his contact with me and doesn't talk to me as freely as he used, instead wastes his and my time by being quite over the phone which leaves me frustrated. When we first started talking over the phone he would call me up every morning, message me and would even write poetry and all. I fell for that and I thought this is a very caring and romantic guy, only to find out he was setting a honey trap for me to lure me into. here are some of the things that ive noticed in him:
•A hint of jealousy and annoyance towards my little one when he tapped her on her head when she was being cheeky.
•Hit her hand hard while he was hi-fiving her.
•I’ve seen a pair of Women’s undies in his bedroom, hung on top of the radiator while I was at his place. He got defensive, started laughing and then became a bit angry for accusing him of something he has not done (but I keep having this nagging feeling to this day that he has).
•Has said a few things to me that I’d be willing to do for love. One of them would be accepting to take a sip of alcohol. im a muslim woman and ive already told him we abstain from such things.
•I’ve shaved myself with a used lady’s shaver he provided me and he denied it was not used.
•Hint of lust when he said that my eldest daughter is a spitting image of me.
•Left his wee wee in the toilet and didn’t flush it. Shows he is becoming disgusting and doesn’t really care for hygiene even though he was bragging about it before we first got together.
•Thinks that women are like horses and the men are their riders. (very very insulting).
•He has related to me a couple of times that he could have been with other girls (who he thought were nice girls) but didn’t hang out with them because they smoke and drink. Which makes me think that I’m just an option and not someone special as he says that I am.
•He used to express his feelings of getting me pregnant a lot of time before, which has put me in a state of alarm whenever I’ve had sex with him.
•He always wants to have unprotected sex with me which I am not comfortable with.
•He doesn’t care and ignores me right after having sex with me which made me feel cheap and used and a booty call.
•Got into my facebook account on my phone and spied on all the contacts and on one of the convo I had with a friend of mine and started interrogating me about it and started suspecting me for nothing. However, I never got into his personal belongings to find out about his activities and stuff.
•I was relating a convo to him about a friend of mine and he started lecturing me about who I should keep as my friends and who I shouldn’t and how I should talk to them. When I expressed my annoyance he became angry and started berating me.

I need some perspective on this situation. Im new to this dating and courtship thing and he terms this as a real relationship. to me it seems like a joke and feels like a trap he putting me in by locking me down in a fairy tale relationship and by one means or the other trying to get me pregnant. btw this guy happens to be a counsellor and has taken this sort of approach with another one of his exs. he has been in 3 serious relationship before and says this is the last one he wants to be in. if this one doesn't work out he will go into casual ones and continue to have sex with random women. sex is great with this guy, but I do not want that to be the only reason to be with him and I certainly do not want to be used by him as and when he likes as it hasn't been long since ive been divorced from my previous 8 year relationship last year. he says he loves me and wants to marry me, but kind of puts in a situation and risky encounters that I give in. for this matter, I have become confused, anxious, emotionally invested and empty. I cant stop thinking about him, but im keeping myself strong in away that I never initiate the contact with him as he calls me up. this guy lives in Leeds and I live in London. whenever I ask him now to come over to Londn and take me out on a date he makes excuses due to lack of finances and all he cant travel. Now this is the guy who was so eager to see me when we first set up a date and now makes excuses. Im trying to be keep myself strong ladies, as I have children, im currently studying and busy life style to tend to. This relationship has slowed me down and leaving me depleted. I want to move on, any advice.

Stealthpolarbear Sun 28-Dec-14 16:39:50

" •Hint of lust when he said that my eldest daughter is a spitting image of me."
Get rid of him. All the rest is awful but this would be enough in its own right. Not in the same league as not flushing the toilet

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 16:43:41

I want to move on, any advice

Yep. Move on. Just do it. End it with him. You dont even have to give him a reason that he can try and argue with. Just tell him it is over and not to contact you again. Then change your number because this guy is a predator and will not let you go easily.

But do go. Now and dont look back.

OldLadyKnows Sun 28-Dec-14 16:43:52

Start a new life in the new year, and ditch this abusive waste of space. I note you've been in refuge, did Women's Aid talk to you about the Freedom Programme? You can do it online, I believe.

gamerchick Sun 28-Dec-14 16:44:30

You don't need advice. You just need to read all of that back to yourself.

Delete his number and tell him to knob off if he gets back in touch.

SpringBreaker Sun 28-Dec-14 16:44:34

To put this simply. He is abusing you and is using you. You need to stop all contact with him immediately and keep away from him.

Be thankful he lives over 250 miles away.

Do not ask him to come and see you. Dont have any further contact with him.

There are so many red flags in your post it is scary.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 16:45:12

Wow, so many red flags, read your own bullet points, you need to block this man from ever contacting you again. He is a user, a bully and a total arsehole. I'm struggling to understand why you want anything to do with him at all. Work on your self esteem and fill your life with things that make you happy and fulfilled, this man doesn't do any of that

OldLadyKnows Sun 28-Dec-14 16:46:35

LineRunner Sun 28-Dec-14 16:46:57

Bin him now.

Please seek counselling. flowers

BrowersBlues Sun 28-Dec-14 16:53:00

OP, read your post back to yourself and pretend that your DD, as a grown woman, had written it to you asking for your advice.

I know I am a complete stranger but I want you to promise me you will end this rationship.

You have your children, your studies and a busy life. He makes you feel depleted. He is a creep. KICK HIM TO THE KERB

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 28-Dec-14 16:54:59

Have you thought of ending the relationship if you don't like it? Revolutionary I know but...

SpringBreaker Sun 28-Dec-14 16:56:49

Funky, I think the OP is in a very vulnerable state, just out of a refuge and seems very fragile.

tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 17:00:10

thank you for all your help ladies. Thing is, I did see the red flags popping up every now and then, but because I've never dates before and and had to run away with my kids from my previous relationship due to my abusive ex-partner, I thought this guy is showing kindness and consideration towards me, only to find out he is wears a mask (which I believe it is) of a eing a nice and caring guy and blames be for being a selfish woman for holding back. Problem is 'ive broke up with him on mutual terms and have gave him legitimate reasons for breaking up. he didn't take it well as he came over to my place and started crying in front of me for breaking his heart like this and because of his origin is y im breaking up with him. I assured him that, that's not the reason im breaking up with him, I like him because he is different, but the reason im breaking up is because of my own circumstances and due to the fact that he cant treat me like a single woman only. Ive got kids as well and I cant lose them, Because judging by his behaviour I kind had the feeling that I continue to be with this man will eventually led to give up my own children and I live my girls to death. furthermore, because of this guy I messed up good ties with my family members too, as he kept nagging me to tell them about him, let the dark days pass, let them know that we are an item and no one can rip us apart. Because of him I got in trouble with my family members and messed up my relationship with them.

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 17:08:36

Don't allow him to emotionally blackmail you with his sob stories, he sounds horrendous (sp?), protect yourself and your children. You've escaped one abusive relationship, don't be involved in another, please disengage and block any attempts to try and contact you.
Until you feel stronger it's probably best to put any form of relationship on hold (with anyone). Can you contact your family and build some bridges with them?

tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 17:09:22

of course I have thought about ending it, I broke up with him twice but he keeps reeling me back in by begging me to unblock him from whatsapp and phone list. He is making me feel guilty that because of his origin I don't want to be with him anymore which is totally the opposite case and he is getting everything twisted for me, making it difficult for to break up with him. and yes some of you ladies are right that I was in a very vulnerable and emotional mess when I came out of the refuge. Ive noticed another thing sex was becoming quite uncomfortable lately, as I started feeling being raped by the way he was having it with me. felt like trying to rupture my spleen. Cause the last time I has sex with him, he left me in pain. you know he has also mentioned a few times before that guys don't usually go for women with children. Most men reject them thinking that us women are used up. this is hurtful and to start of of I want looking for a relationship to start of with this guy anyways and turns around throws such an insult in my face.

tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 17:12:12

right after I broke up with him I contacted my mother immediately and told her everything. thank goodness she is there to morally support me and keep me strong. However my eldest brother is angry with me and I initiated contact with him but he is keeping me at an arm's length now and doesn't want to talk to me.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 17:13:16

OP all that is in the past.

Finish it with him now. Dont give him a reason. Just tell him, via text, that the relationship is over and that he is not to contact you ever again. Then change your number immediately. If he comes to your house you dont let him in. You tell him through the door that he is to leave or you will call the police. If he doesnt leave, you do just that- call the police. He can think and say what he likes- you dont have to listen to any of it. Get back in touch with Women's Aid. You could do with some support right now.

BrowersBlues Sun 28-Dec-14 17:13:30

Contact your family and tell them he pressurised you into telling them about him. Finish with him and tell them it's over. Ask for their support. I don't know how that will go but don't isolate yourself from them any further.

Abusers like him very quickly isolate their victims. Start to believe that you can be strong for yourself and your children.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 17:15:07

Can you stay with your mother for a while? Or have her stay with you? Tell her what you have told us here.

tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 17:15:39

currently, im watching a lot of self-counselling videos to build back my emotional wellbeing and self-esteem as he has left me high and dry and completely empty with the last encounter. I've also approached the hospital and sort their help in this regard as I was in a state 2 weeks ago.

BrowersBlues Sun 28-Dec-14 17:16:15

Just saw you told your mother - well done you! Your brother might co.e around in time. Very relieved to hear you ended it, don't listen to any rubbish he tells you and dont go back to him.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 17:19:03

This is all good OP you are doing all the right things to get your strength back. You have support and you know you need to end it. Get in touch with your mum and tell her a this, ask her to visit and be there when you tell him it is over.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane Sun 28-Dec-14 17:19:14

Well, he's a catch, isn't he?

You know that bullet point list you did? Why not try doing one of all the good points about the relationship. If you can get to five, I'd be amazed.

You and your daughters are not safe around this man.

Stealthpolarbear Sun 28-Dec-14 17:23:07

He's a rapist and probably a paedophile
Leave him
Every second you spend with him is a waste of your life
Every second your daughters spend with him is time they are in danger

tikkaboti Sun 28-Dec-14 17:24:15

my mom lives in the states. but I talk to her everyday. I have told her about all of this and ive also told her that since he has helped in some ways, he just doesn't want me to leave him like this and wants us to remain friends as he considers me to be his best friend. But to me this seems like another ploy of his to trap me in, so what Ive done is ive acquired a very cold approach towards him and have limited my contact. observing this attidude of mine, he has limited his contact with me as well. You know, he says that my reasoning is not good enough for breaking up with him and he tries to justify it by saying it's not like that he has cheated on me that I want to break up with him.

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