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My friends thirteen year old Son

(53 Posts)
HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:27:20

Every single time I see him at my friends house or I am taking with her over the telephone and he happens to be there he will make some kind of rude comment about me. Today it was that I am lazy and old. I do have a history of my Father calling me names and his name calling brings it back to me.

What can I say to him or his Mother?

It really effects me even though I have had therapy about this.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name.

I feel better just typing about this but would really like to be able to control how I feel about this.

TheReluctantCountess Sun 28-Dec-14 16:28:41

Does his mother not say anything to him? I would be so angry if it was my son.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:30:32

She laughs and says I will probably batter him one day. God knows why she'd say that. I wish she would discipline him properly.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 16:32:03

A 13 year old child is calling you names? I would get visibly angry and reprimand him there and then so he was in no doubt about how unacceptable it was. Then i would ask his mother why the hell she wasnt doing something about it.

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 16:33:31

Why is his mother not tearing a strip off him? He's being bloody rude.

In terms of your reaction to the name calling, did you develop any strategies to cope with it when you were having counselling? Perhaps some kind of positive phrase you can repeat to yourself to try and counteract the negativity? If not, I would be (a) having a word with your friend to say how rude you find her son and could she ask him to put a bloody sock in it and (b) have a look online for some techniques to deal with negative thoughts - I'm sure other posters will have some good ideas.

Oh, also option 3 - tell him to fuck off. I don't mean that seriously but I reckon it would get a reaction.

Vivacia Sun 28-Dec-14 16:33:50

I think it's good that you've realised that this takes you back to your childhood and that this boy is not your dad.

How about stopping mid-sentence, putting your meanest face on and just looking at him? You could raise an eyebrow or say something like, "What did you just say to me?".

You could practice being cold and serious in a mirror, "Nobody, nobody, talks to me like that".

LIZS Sun 28-Dec-14 16:34:17

I think you need to pull him up on it.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:34:39

He has ADHD. I think he has also been spoilt rotten on top of this. I am Mother of a severely disabled child myself

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 16:39:01

I think if the mother won't do anything, the next time it happens in person you stop talking and straight over to him and say "I would like you to apologise for your rude comments". He probably won't but honestly I'd then leave. You shouldn't have to tolerate it even if it didn't upset you.

marne2 Sun 28-Dec-14 16:40:40

Just ignore or say something equally nasty back, he obviously has poor social skills probably due to him having ADHD but this is no excuse for his mother not to say something to him. My dd's have Autism and I would be mortified if they said something rude to an adult, I would make them say sorry and would tell them it's rude.

lljkk Sun 28-Dec-14 16:41:52

Why don't you bat him back with "I don't see you doing housework very often. And you're skinny & spotty, to boot!"

RonaldMcFartNuggets Sun 28-Dec-14 16:42:39

I probably wouldn't see that friend anymore to be honest.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:42:57

Two years I have had these comments. I did pull him up about he time he refused to sit next to my Son at the back of the car. His Mother did make excuses for him afterwards and said I took it out of context. I was there, I know what he said and did. She refuses to believe they are very in the wrong about anything. Other people feel the same about her children. They won't let their children go to her hose. She has no idea why.

There are no boundaries at all from her.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:44:05

I have avoided her this Christmas.

Earlybird Sun 28-Dec-14 16:44:51

Completely disagree with marne2 - do NOT ignore or say something equally nasty back.

it is not some tit-for-tat exchange between peers. You are the adult, and you need to stand up for yourself to this lad and his Mum. Tell him it is rude and you will not be spoken to in that way. In fact, NO ONE should be spoken to in that way.

If he has ADHD, he must be taught how to behave, and be told what is acceptable. At the moment, he is getting away with the rudeness/insults, and it will only escalate unless someone takes a firm stand.

JeanSeberg Sun 28-Dec-14 16:45:22

She doesn't sound like a friend. Do yourself a favour and cut people out of your life who don't enhance it.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 16:46:36

Well if she wont accept there is an issue i wouldnt see her anymore.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:46:44

I really appreciate your replies. Thank you. My Son has severe Autism but is non verbal. I'm unsure of how other disabled children can be. As in whether verbal abuse towards others is more common or it is sometimes or purely down to parenting or different environments.

Vivacia Sun 28-Dec-14 16:46:59

Just ignore or say something equally nasty back What would that teach him?

Why don't you bat him back with "I don't see you doing housework very often. And you're skinny & spotty, to boot!" What would that teach him?

Sparklingbrook Sun 28-Dec-14 16:47:26

I would make a NY resolution to distance myself from the friend and her son, they do not seem to be adding anything to your life.

Vivacia Sun 28-Dec-14 16:47:51

The lack of parenting from his mum is a problem, but you can lay down your boundaries for how people treat you.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:49:56

She is the only friend I have. I don't go to her house when her children are there.

CheeseBuster Sun 28-Dec-14 16:51:45

ADHD is not an excuse to be a rude brat. Grow a pair and Tell him off next time, don't be intimidated by a child!

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:51:52

Well it is a rare occasion.

HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse Sun 28-Dec-14 16:54:58

The Mother was brought up in the care system. She does have issues setting boundaries.

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