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Bossy, Dominant Mother...bossy dominant daughter ?!

(15 Posts)
willowisp Sun 28-Dec-14 14:51:57

My DM stayed with us over xmas & did her usual thing of declaring 'facts' & statements, which, well aren't actually true & in fact her opinions. Sitting on the sofa yesyerday with my DH, she says she doesn't get on with my because I'm so aggressive & argumentative. She says I take after my dad (they are divorced).

When I was growing up, she did the same & being an only child, I just nodded & went along (& probably believed it).

Around about my 20's I realised I was separate from her & started not agreeing with her. Needless to say this didn't go down well at all. So much so that if she's says she likes something or more precisely "isn't that fabulous" & I disagree, she'll say "well I might have known you'd say that!" AND becomes very agitated. Its ridiculous things like, she stated her & her boyfriend sould go to tenerife & stay at puerto de la cruz because its so green. "its green because it rains every night". I said no it doesn't. Which was like torch paper. Her eyes flashing (& blood pressure increasing) she snarls "yes it does Granny says so". Now granny went there in 1972. I went there is 1997 & can categorically state it didn't rain for the 2 weeks we were there.

So DM & I are in this loop where she spouts rubbish (Lloyd Grossman pasta sauce is *the best*) & I challenge it. I look back at my DGM & see her with this same attitude, but what DM did was agree. Well that's not me.

I've done the "what makes you say that, why do you think that ? who says so, etc.? " retorts & been called a terrorist.

What's the answer ? Should I just shut up & say yes dear ? IMO she talks rubbish.

My BF says she's lived alone for too long & gone feral....

Cirsium Sun 28-Dec-14 15:00:46

Pick your battles and let the little things go. Don't start discussions about topics that are really important to you and if she does change the subject as quickly as possible. Maybe not the most assertive way to go, but she sounds ingrained in her behaviour and unless what she is saying and doing is genuinely harmful I would go for the easy life and just keep her at a safe distance.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 28-Dec-14 15:11:35

Sarcasm 'Yes mother, it rains every night, that's why so many brits flock there each year'...

Tobyjugg Sun 28-Dec-14 16:01:21

Why the fuck do you bother? She has her views and won't change them. You have different views? What on earth do you gain by contradicting her? This is not just you OP, it's all the other posters who say they have problems with parents/ILs/other family members' views. Why don't you just nod, agree and keep calm while all the time thinking "bollocks!"

I'm not having a go at you OP, but I honestly don't understand why people get so wound up by family members spouting crap at Xmas?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 28-Dec-14 16:25:46

I have learnt over the years you don't have to prove them wrong at every turn it wears you out and makes for an uncomfortable life .
You know in your head and heart that you are correct so what does it matter if they are wrong .
Also you can't argue with stupid .

Jingalingallnight Sun 28-Dec-14 16:28:46

There is really no point in taking a stand over a tomato sauce. Pick your battles.

willowisp Sun 28-Dec-14 16:39:05

It's not just xmas, it's every time I see her. She lives a good couple of hrs away, so she always stays at least over night. I do try to make sure imgetnout thennextndaynfirst thing.

And obviously I'm not just taking a stand over pasta sauce, it's the declaration that she is the leading authority. One time she came here & left her cucumber skin, announcing "our bodies don't digest it".

It's like this ALL the time & she says its ME ! I would like a more harmonious relationship, as ^^ is extremely hard work. And it's a bit of a shame really.

Northernparent68 Sun 28-Dec-14 16:53:24

I think toby has it, surely it's worth trying his approach.

Also it maybe worth trying to communicate with her differently ie when she recommends a product ask her for other recommendations, when she tells you it does nt rain in tenerife say you did nt know that.

Underneath it all is she just insecure and desperate to be right about something.

Hassled Sun 28-Dec-14 16:58:11

No, don't shut up and say "yes dear" - someone needs to keep challenging her. You just need to try to find the humour in it - you'll stay sane if you're laughing at her rather than letting her wind you up. My SIL used to be like this - came up with some ridiculous non-fact about camels once which I irritatingly now can't remember - but has toned it down a lot as more and more people said "actually, that's bollocks", including her DH.

And grin at you being called a terrorist.

deste Sun 28-Dec-14 18:03:41

I have a highly intelligent sister and she spouts some terrible sh**e because she actually believes it. Because she is intelligent people listen to her. Things that you know are untrue she states as facts. A lot of her facts come from the National Inquirer so you will know where I am coming from. Eg the Great British Bake Off, by just looking at the cakes she would say they were too dry, too wet, not enough this or that. When I asked if she had ever baked in her life she said, well not really but she can just tell. She also likes to state facts that any normal person would know but thinks we don't have a clue.

BeakyMinder Sun 28-Dec-14 18:12:30

I have to admit that I used to be like this. OK, still a bit like that smile

What helped? Learning counselling skills. Active listening every time. You learn to sort of tune out the inner voice that is shouting "you idiot! That is bollocks and here's why!" and instead really focus on the other person, what they are trying to say (usually nothing to do with the precise idiotic pov that's winding you up) and how they are feeling (which will often surprise you).

BeakyMinder Sun 28-Dec-14 18:19:05

Sorry, posted too soon (currently juggling a double gin and angry toddler) also to add that if nothing else it drives the other person totally crazy when you sit there saying "you think I am wrong" and "you wish I would stop being a twat" without reacting smile

Wrapdress Sun 28-Dec-14 18:22:43

I would just treat her like she has Alzheimer's and either ignore her, agree with her or ask more questions that I don't care to know the answers of. That's what I do with the Know-It-Alls in my family (and at the office!).

In the end, who cares what she thinks? It's just Trivia or Fun non Facts. In fact, I'd probably encourage her and let her go hog wild with the Statement of Facts Crazy Talk, but I find humor in weird places. LOL.

orangefusion Sun 28-Dec-14 21:42:53

I don't have an answer, I'm posting because it could have been me who posted this. My partner says "pray for her" he is not religious but he is a 12 stepper. When I remember to check my angry thoughts about her I can sometimes choke back the contrary response that is my first.
I'm desperate to try to improve things but find that I want to scream within minutes of being in the same room.
I'm watching hhis thread hoping that you will get some more ideas of ways to improve things.

willowisp Sun 28-Dec-14 23:11:53

I think it bothers me mostly because she tends to say things in front of my DC & I worry they will be brainwashed like she brain washed me.

I also probably think it's a good idea to challenge the rubbish being spouted. I think I would turn myself inside out letting her think she was right.

She has another issue at the moment which she is blaming in me, where I 'put her off' or 'you wouldn't let me do it'.

It's a real shame but I think she's manipulative, I wonder if there is a personality disorder where she is unable to take responsibility for anything ?

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