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1st Christmas separated after 25 years and even tho he's been horrid it's been sooo hard

(20 Posts)
fakeblondie Sun 28-Dec-14 14:22:49

I came on here earlier this year after finding DH on dating sites . Was a huge shock and bigger than I ever imagined . A lot of things started to make sense , like his complete lack of intimacy with me and other things.
I went on over a period of about ten days I think to find he had been accessing chat rooms, hardcore porn , dating sites , webcams ect for over 12 years and I stopped looking when I found about 18 of them .
He talked to these women morning noon and night .
I did find out accidently btw I wasn't snooping I had no reason too.
After some time to think I asked him to leave.
He even came on here and joined in my plea for some advise but didn't get the response he expected.
We've been separated now about 10 months .
He is mostly a very good daddy .
He did plead with me for many weeks and promise change but I realsied he would really never ever change.
Some of the communication was nasty.... Often saying the same thing which was WHEN not if you are replaced ??? He became desperate to have a RL girlfriend .
Well about 3 months ago he completely changed so I am assuming he has found one.
He is still living with his elderly parents and has promised the dc he is saving to move nearer to us so he can see them more .
He arrives to see them every time now in new clothes, I mean everything.New everything inc coat phone case watch and even new camera this time. I know partly it's none of my business but he obviously is still not saving a penny . But apart from that he arrives to see the dc at 630 as he has a 70 mile drive but leaves after about 45 mins . He then never answers his phone and his parents think he's with us until late. He has completely stopped answering all calls from the children under any circumstances . They called him when my dd had her first day at school, when she had a new uniform, when she hurt herself , when she had new sparkly shoes....all the times normally I'd give her the phone leave the room and say call daddy honey. Always involving him and not interfering . Each of those times now he hasn't answerd,Won't say why just refuses point blank to speak to them if he's busy . Christmas Day all his son wanted was for daddy to be there all day, but at 5pm he pulled two sobbing dc off him and said he had to go . A few hours later I said they could call him to say goodnight and thank you for presents but again he didn't answer all Christmas evening and all Boxing Day . My Ds said all the time he is with him he is on his phone texting and even in the middle of the night which is what he used to do before. He is only 11 my ds but said yesterday " he has a gf mum I read his text calling her my darling gf"
Why oh why after being so thankful of getting out of this relationship do I feel like I just found out what a sleezeball his is all over again.i know there is nothing wrong with him having a gf but it's the fact that once again it's all so secret. I suppose I have good reasons to hate secrets but that's what he's like . He only ever thinks of himself and his needs but it has hurt me more than I could imagine that he still feels the need to be secretive and put this new gf before his dc. I suppose I am completely the opposite I am so open and honest . If he just said I'm seeing someone special so won't answer my phone on Christmas day but if it's urgent bla bla ... I just hate the feeling it's giving me . I don't want him back but I always knew it would hurt when he did replace me ! Sounds so selfish but I want to make him feel this hurt just for 5mins so he would not be so cold and horrid to me now. he's gone from us being friends to no compromise in anything no wanting to be with dc and when he is he is constantly looking at his watch and his phone he's just so differrent . he blames me entirely when I ask for help ( I've had to have so much time off work and use up all my holidays with dc being ill ) he wouldn't even take dc to a hospital appointment. Says it's my choice to be on my own and I drove him to do what he did .I wish I could feel nothng but it's still so hard . I've never known anyone else I'm 44 and we met at 18 . Have 4 beautiful dc 2 are grown up . He has just suddenly gone all bossy and swanky and acting like he doesn't care and I don't think he does . He looks at his watch, and before I'd say oh could you maybe go and read a bedtime story to dd she would love that and he would. Now he says no no time and just goes. Nothing I say or do would persuade him to stay not even on Christmas day. The dd don't want to call him at all now and say daddy won't answer anyway .
I feel like I've coped fairly well and had no time off work. Have no family to help but some good friends. All of a sudden Christmas day I seemed to lose the plot emotionally and ever since I just cannot stop crying . I know I need to get up and pick and not waste anymore time on him but I just cannot seem to stop crying . I wish he had been as committed to me !!
Probably just the 1st Christmas and it's been sooo hard .
Sorry for the long rant x

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 16:57:22

The first Christmas will always be the hardest. Sounds like he is punishing you (and his own children) for having the courage to walk away. You can't force him to be a decent father, have you got a contact arrangement with him? It's a shame for the children but they will see him for what he is and most likely won't want anything to do with him when they are older.
In the meantime you need to think about YOUR needs and focus on moving forward, make plans, keep busy, post on here if you need to and be there for your children (I know you are), you will wake up one morning and realise you don't care what he does or who he does it with. He won't change, he'll treat his gf the same way so just be glad you are no longer on the relationship. flowers

Justwanttomoveon Sun 28-Dec-14 16:58:28

And if you need to cry then do so, it's normal to grieve even if the relationship was no good, don't be too hard on yourself.

Windywenceslas Sun 28-Dec-14 18:38:01

It seems like he's punishing you (and as a result, your DC) for having the strength to kick him out. You singlehandedly stopped him from having his cake and eating it, and he doesn't like it. In his head he probably expected to be able to continue as before and you stopped that.

You're strong, do not waver. It sounds horrible for your DC, but you will be happier in time and it's better they have one happy parent at home than two miserable parents.

Sorry you had such a crappy Christmas, but the first one will always be the hardest. Fwiw you sound brilliant. You're doing all the right things and if he wants to throw away his relationship with his DC, in time he will feel the loss far more than they will.

Twiggy71 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:16:15

Fakeblondie I usually just lurk but had to write a reply as your life is so similar to whats happened to me.
I was with my ex from the age of 18 to 37 when he went off with ow ( he still hasn't admitted this 6 years later).
Your h is not going to stand up and be the parent he needs to be so be prepared to do all the parenting yourself. My extwat didn't want to know when my then ds14 was going through a hard time after he upped and left. After I asked extwat to help he called my son up and told him to behave himself as he didn't want to have to listen to me going on!!!
After that I never asked for help, though i was very lucky in that my ds's gfather supported us and helped me get him through this awful time.
I'm 6 years on from seperation and I've been divorced a year and now nc and it was the best thing I ever done.
I'm sorry to say that through time your dc will learn that they can't rely or be supported by their df and that you will be the one they will turn to as they will know you will be there for them..

strong123 Sun 28-Dec-14 19:24:52

No words of advice but I want to let you know that you are not alone. This time last year I was on holiday with ex dp and children having a great time. Fast forward a year and he has moved out and seems to lie every time I speak to him. We were also together 24 years since we were teenagers.

He also shows no interest in the children and is lucky if he sees them once every couple of weeks despite living down the road. He would rather spend his time hanging around and drinking his body weight in vodka with a friend who is 10 years younger than him but who acts worse than his teenage daughter. If it makes you feel any better this week alone he has threatened to take DS aboard without my permission, has been in hospital and discharged himself and left it too late to get the game that DS wanted for Christmas so turned up with nothing.

My focus for the New Year needs to be me and hopefully I will be filling it with lots of new and exciting things - well that is the plan. I guess I`ve got to the stage where I`ve accepted that I will never know the truth or what is really happening. It is hard not knowing but the longer I worry and think about it, the longer he has won and he has already had more than enough of my time.

Here`s hoping that 2015 is a new start for both of us

Twinklebells Sun 28-Dec-14 19:40:42

I have been where you are too. Can I just say bloody well done for getting rid of him - you are brilliant for finding the strength to do that.

He is an utter arse and your children deserve better. He is not a good daddy in any way shape or form.

I would also suggest contact is not in your home anymore. He can pick up and drop off and take them elsewhere. You do not need him sneering in your face and walking in like he owns the bloody place.

fakeblondie Sun 28-Dec-14 21:20:02

Thank you so much for all you replies.
Just want I don't have a contact arrangement in writing . Would a solicitor draw that up and at what cost ? presently he agreed to every other Saturday but he never confirms until the hour before or is very late and the dc are sleeping on the floor . Well dd aged 4 sleeps in a single bed with him and ds aged 11 on the floor . This has been for te months now .
Windy thank you for reply . he does try and punish me I agree .
Twiggy I cannot believe how much he has changed . Honestly he was always just so close to his dc . He is and has shockingly ruined that . I must admit he was pretty horrid when I got pregnant at 40 ( planned ) he totally ignored me for 9 months .
Strong I too hope that 2015 is a happier more positive year for both of us . Do you kind of feel like your going through a grieving process . I can't stop crying. I actually fesl sick all day and I want to perk up for them dc and me . I'm not one for moping and tbh it irritates me but I feel like I'm just so sad all the time .
thank you twinkle . I still can't believe I managed to end it . The thought of my dc growing up around deceit lies un happiness is what helped me .
Thank you all x x

fakeblondie Sun 28-Dec-14 21:21:13

Every other sat btw has actually been twice since August .

strong123 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:37:51

I think this time of year is really hard - I do still burst out in tears for no reason and still get that knot in my stomach every time I get a text message in case it is him causing more upset. I`ve started to write things down as I was struggling through the week exhausted and not really understanding why. Once I started listing all his lies etc in a week and looked back at it, I thought wow no wonder I am tired - anyone would be dealing with this. It also helps as he makes out that I am being unreasonable and turning the children against him but writing it down makes me realise that he is doing all that by himself. It is hard not to feel guilty and to not blame myself but fortunately my DD is now 17 and sees exactly what he is like. She has been a great support over the last few months and we are now more closer than ever.

todayiamfat Sun 28-Dec-14 21:42:08

Blondie-me too.

First xmas since thw split in the summer. We were together 17 years (since 18), married, 2 dc (one of who is still a baby). He has admitted to a year long affair.

He has turned into a monster. But i can honeatly say that my eyes were opened over xmas. I found out it isn't just me and the dc he is punishing. He left his bereaved df alone all xmas day (after promising me he would be with him-I had offered to go. He is afterall my fil of 17 yrs). He also didn't get a present for his 90 yr old aunt (who lives next door) or even a card. This is likely her last xmas as she is very ill.

I can't describe why these actions have snapped me out of love when all the other awful things he has done didn't. But I am disgusted in him.

I say this first xmas was therefore a success! I am in the process of searching the sales to replace all our furniture to eradicate him from my life. What a cock.

I hope there is a 'snap' moment for you. I have spent months upset but managed to keep going at work and for the dc. I feel like a weight has been lifted. A 90kg one!

Twiggy71 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:58:01

I know thats the part I still find hard seperating the person I fell in love with at 18 who treated me so well, who watched me giving birth to our 2 dc and helping me to come out the other side of having pnd. He just adored and lived for our dc after they were born and would of done anything for them. To change so much in 19 years is unbelievable and what he turned into a lying, cheating, useless father..
Sorry I can't help with contact arrangements as my exh pretty much suited himself when it came to it and I didn't care if they went to contact or not although I always encouraged them to see their d so I have no regrets.
One thing I urge you to do is to keep your own home as your space. Sadly I didn't and when he came to pick the kids up he just knocked the door and walked on in, he even came into the bedroom once when i was getting changed ffs. He thought he could walk all over me until i put a stop to it, it took me years though and I have came on leaps and bounds since going nc its the best thing I have ever done..

fakeblondie Mon 29-Dec-14 06:45:11

Omg he admitted he is seeing someone to our daughter last night . I really don't know how I'm going to get through work today . I would never ever have him back but I don't think I could feel any worse it still hurts so much .

teacuphalfempty Mon 29-Dec-14 07:23:54

flowers fakeblondie these are for you, just so you know someone is 'here'.

Hug the children. A lot.

AliceinWinterWonderland Mon 29-Dec-14 09:42:14

I don't understand why they feel the need to be so secretive tbh. And then announce suddenly they have a girlfriend like it's this big deal. My stbx does this. So very secretive about everything (not realising his mum has told me quite a bit anyway), and then this big dramatic announcement. Then he insists I'm jealous. FFS I don't CARE if he's in a relationship, I kicked him out for heaven's sake, but this incessant need for drama and secrecy is so childish and annoying.

I think the only thing to do is stay as detached as possible and just be there for the dcs.

Justwanttomoveon Mon 29-Dec-14 12:10:17

You just need to take it hour by hour, or even minute by minute. These next few weeks will be hard but once you get through it you will be so much happier. He may have a new gf but he won't suddenly become a great person, in time you may even feel sorry for her knowing, like you do, that he is no great catch. It took me several months to feel anything but hate for ow, can't say I will ever like her but from what others tell me, there relationship is awful and that could have been me, still putting up with his shit.
As far as a contact arrangement order is concerned you can apply to the courts yourself, I think it costs £215, I'm sure if you post in legal someone will help you more with that.
Also, he would love the fact that you are upset he's seeing someone else, that's probably why he told your dd.
If you can, never let him see he's upset you, cry and cry in private and to your friends and family but practice showing no emotion in front of him.
This is a great place to let your emotions out and we are all listening and will provide a shoulder to cry on if needed. flowers

fakeblondie Tue 30-Dec-14 12:21:21

Thanks all x things got worse I found out last night be lied to us Christmas day when he left early to see his parents . I think his parents thought he was with us . Turns out he never went there his sister slept in his room Christmas night he was with his gf . I cannot get the thought of him ignoring his children calling him Christmas day and him sleeping with another women out if my head . I know I could never have him back but Christmas day and finding out out like this . After 26 years and 4 dc I really thought he would have been honest and not continued to be so secretive . She is welcome to him but I just can't stop thinking about him with someone else in that way . I've taken the day off work feel like I've completely melted down . Will get up now and sorted . Poor ds has found out his ds was with her Christmas too and that's why he didn't answer his phone he's sad I must talk to him . Want to tell him what an ass his dd is but I won't . What do I say ??
I think it's so final now I inow he's gone all the way with someone else . I knew I never really meant much to him but just confirms it for me that he got over our split so quick .
It still hurts unbelievably x

Nomama Tue 30-Dec-14 16:12:26

You need to re think this a little bit. You have the right bits and pieces, just a bit jumbled up.

1. YOU are still grieving for the relationship, not the man, the 'coupledom' you had for so long.

2. Your DCs are learning to grieve for their Dad, his actions are causing distance and heartache.

At the moment your posts have that info all jumbled up, as though the kid's feelings cause/augment yours. But they don't / can't. You need to be able to deal with your own feelings more separately - or you won't be able to do what your kids need you to do.

1. Go for it. Cry your eyes out. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel all of those conflicting emotions. Have a pity party, then pick yourself up, etc. Maybe you have have someone in Real Life who will sit down with you and allow you to be utterly pathetic without ever mentioning it again??

2. Once you are calmer and more detached, tell him. Tell him you are worried that he is becoming more distant from his kids and you want to help him, and them, to maintain a more close relationship. Be prepared to step away when his ego gets bruised. But persist, email/write that your kids want to maintain close contact and that you want to help - phone, email, weekends, weekdays etc etc etc. Ask him what he wants/needs to make it possible for the kids to contact him....

Then leave him to it and concentrate on maintaining an even keel for your kids.

Good luck.

Justwanttomoveon Tue 30-Dec-14 16:32:47

Of course it hurts, it's very raw, you only just found out. Try and remember the reasons you finished it in the first place. He was a terrible husband, you really wouldn't want to still be in a relationship with him.
This gf will see him for what he is at some point too.
Hopefully when things settle a bit he will make more of an effort for the dc, if he doesn't, as sad as that is, it's not your fault. You can only be there for them, they will remember this as they get older. My own 'd'f did a similar thing and we have very little contact now (one phone call in the last 5 years) and not much contact prior to that.
You are not responsible for his behaviour and unfortunately you can't make him be a decent father.

3mum Tue 30-Dec-14 21:29:28

FWIW OP my exH still does the lies and secretiveness thing even though we have been divorced for over 2 years after 20+ years of marriage. I really don't care where he takes his girlfriend on holiday or where they go out together, but every time he has to be needlessly cryptic then try and drop hints to try to get me to ask about it. It must be so disappointing for him that I am really not interested!

All part of the self-involved, "I am the centre of the universe" characteristics which led him to cheat on me I guess. I assume he loves the intrigue and the feeling that he has knowledge I do not. I am so well out of it and so are you and your DC. It takes time, but I promise there will come a time when you all just snigger at what a dick he is.

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