Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I accept big present?

(34 Posts)
Deckthehallswithdesperation Sun 28-Dec-14 10:32:59

So, I'm on the cusp of separating. Although dh knows I'm acutely unhappy he doesn't actually believe I'll go through with a divorce. Some years ago he gave me a VERY big cheque at xmas to buy an item I had long coverted & could use for work. (Can't say what as it's quite unusual & would out me). I never cashed the cheque as I had other stuff I needed to sort out first & it expired. Ever since then, it's never been the 'right time' for him to rewrite the cheque - until now. He got me nothing for xmas but has now said 'go & buy your...'. My dilemma is that it feels immoral accepting a gift this big just as I'm going to leave him. I suspect part of the reason he's doing it is to stop me going. This item is something I could never afford myself but I could use it to build a new career. (I've never worked during our marriage). Trouble is, it just feels wrong. The flip side is, he's promised it to me on numerous occasions and he can very easily afford it. So, what do you think?

nickyangel Sun 28-Dec-14 10:37:34

I think it depends on why you are leaving him. If you are running off with the window cleaner, then probably it is wrong to take it :p

OTOH, if he has been an arsehole, then you deserve it for putting up with him.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Sun 28-Dec-14 10:52:44

No, there is no window cleaner involved! I'll be leaving because we haven't had sex for nearly 12yrs, we have no intimacy & he isn't interested in changing things. The lack of intimacy has broken my heart.

Sickoffrozen Sun 28-Dec-14 10:55:15

Well as you are married, you will be entitled to a share of the assets anyway on divorce. If you do take it, you could perhaps then at least deduct this from your share in the future for fairness and make it clear to him that is what you will do once you have gone.

See it as a payment on account for future divorce as that can take a long time to sort out.

antimatter Sun 28-Dec-14 10:55:41

Why don't you have access to the money he is writing that cheque for?
Yes. He is trying to manipulate you but equally that money is yours too.

nickyangel Sun 28-Dec-14 11:18:52

You have my complete sympathies, OP. I am only occasionally bestowed with grudging sex myself, while my husband watches porn. So I get only too well how isolated and ugly it makes you feel.

I do wonder why you don't have access to the money in question as well, though. It is your money, too. I don't think I would feel guilty in the circumstances, especially as it would be useful to you. If he can't work on his issues to the extent that it has destroyed your marriage, then the guilt is hardly yours IMO.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Sun 28-Dec-14 12:04:10

He earns the money & I don't so he controls it, simples.

OrangesLemons Sun 28-Dec-14 12:09:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaMyBags Sun 28-Dec-14 12:12:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lndnmummy Sun 28-Dec-14 12:16:51

I would not accept it as a "gift" but ensure you get what you are entitled to as a settlement.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 28-Dec-14 12:19:12

He earns the money & I don't so he controls it, simples.

There is probably the root of your problem! Simples.

Namechangeyetagaintohide Sun 28-Dec-14 12:25:03

He controls all they money ? Wtf ?
I'd take the cheque.

untouchable Sun 28-Dec-14 12:27:28

I would buy myself the item. It wouldn't be 'a gift', you are entitled to the money. Just because you don't have paid employment it doesn't mean you don't 'earn'. After years of being destroyed by no affection or human contact the very least you deserve is the occassional treat.

The money, as is the sex, have been his way of controlling you. Denial of basic things that you need.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 28-Dec-14 12:37:04

Accept it. Buy the thing it's for. Do not feel bad. He's been an arse, you need to get rid and get your life on track, this will help you to do that.

Viviennemary Sun 28-Dec-14 12:40:21

You should be noble and decline the gift under the circumstances. But if you didn't I wouldn't really blame you.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 12:46:50

OP is it at all possible he is giving it to you as a 'i give you my blessing to leave and build your new life' sort of thing?

CinnabarRed Sun 28-Dec-14 12:51:02

I would so buy it. Particularly as it may help you into paid employment, which you will need when you divorce the controlling git.

VitalStollenFix Sun 28-Dec-14 13:01:40

would he insist on keeping the item if you left, telling you that he bought it with his money so you can't take it?

If so, I'd cash the cheque and stash the money and leave and then buy it.

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 13:19:04

He earns the money & I don't so he controls it, simples.

Wow. That's okay then.

I wouldn't take the money, he obviously wants to use it as something to hold over you later. It sounds like you could have enough financial problems coming without a fight over this cheque - and may regret having bought the expensive item when you've more important things to fund, like rent and food.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 28-Dec-14 13:21:28

How on earth is she going to regret buying something that will help her earn money?!

QuietTiger Sun 28-Dec-14 13:24:32

He earns the money & I don't so he controls it, simples. - as other PP's have said, that is the crux of your problem relating to money and the "control" in your relationship.

I appreciate that many people have different systems that "work" for them, but I am in your position, OP, that my DH earns the money & I don't... but the difference between us is that I have access to all the bank accounts, DH doesn't control the money, I spend what I want/need without justification and we have an equal partnership. DH really wouldn't be "writing me a cheque".

Take the money and buy the item. The money is 1/2 yours, regardless of what he says.

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 13:29:11

She didn't say it would help her earn money, just could use it for work. Not necessarily quite the same thing, but certainly if it helps to unlock earning potential that wouldn't be there without it, it's a different story.

CinnabarRed Sun 28-Dec-14 13:41:34

She said she could use it to build a new career. That sounds like paid work to me.

GritStrength Sun 28-Dec-14 13:43:12

I would cash the cheque

NotOnMyWatchOhNo Sun 28-Dec-14 13:48:30

How much is the cheque for?
If you need this item for a new career and you are going to be supporting yourself I would cash it.
Why didn't you cash it the first time? I don't understand you saying you had other stuff to sort out, why not just go to to the bank, 5 minute job?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: