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First time poster (male) looking for any advice...!

(81 Posts)
RememberTheAlamo Sun 28-Dec-14 04:27:25

This is my first post here and I'm not sure men even post on Mumsnet, but I figured I need some advice from a female perspective.

My long-term partner suddenly left me about a year ago which was a very upsetting and shocking experience for me. All this happened while I was working abroad on a secondment for work, and when I was later posted back to my home office my best friend at work took me out for leaving drinks with two women who were both moving on (one moving abroad, the other leaving the industry). I had met both women before but didn’t really know either of them. As these things go, we all ended up going home together. I spent the night with one of the ladies, and he with the other.

Here’s where it gets complicated. My friend was a line manager for both of these women (although they were leaving, so I’m not sure how big a deal this is) and is also married (while the woman he slept with has a boyfriend). He has never cheated on his wife before or since. It was a moment of madness for him. I’ve known him for well over a decade and this was wildly out of character. In some respects it was probably a mid-life crisis of some kind. The lady he slept with has also never cheated on her boyfriend before.

Since all this happened he and the woman he slept with have not been in touch. It’s amicable between them, and they’ve both understood it was a big mistake. Similarly, I’m not in touch with the lady I spent the night with. We weren’t romantically compatible, she’s abroad, and has a boyfriend now. Things are completely fine there.

So where’s all the mess? Well, the other woman and I have grown very close since this whole episode.

At first it started out as just a bit of fun, she lived nearby and so we’d sometimes meet for a drink and joke about “that” night. Things were frivolous. Since then we’ve discovered we’re very similar in terms of personality. We’re carbon copies of each other in terms of outlook, life philosophy, ambition, and humour. We’ve spent a lot of time together (including at my house) and text each other constantly, often late into the night.

We make each other laugh, we give each other advice, and we encourage each other. We talk about what’s on our mind and whatever is getting us down. We’ve both had a series of stressful events recently and have chatted to each other about these things. So it’s safe to say we’ve grown close.

Behind it all, if I were to walk into a laboratory and create my ideal woman, she wouldn’t be far off. She has a beautiful mind with a piercing intellect. She’s clever and driven, self-assured and confident, and she can engage me mentally when we’re together. She also knows her own mind and values the same things as me: experiences. I find all this incredibly attractive and wish I’d gotten to know her sooner. In no time at all she has rapidly become very important to me. She’s been away for the holidays, but I’m already looking forward to seeing her when she gets back. She’s told me she’s also excited to see me.

Nothing romantic has happened between us, although I think she knows I’d escalate things if the opportunity presented itself. She's said her relationship with her boyfriend is effectively over and she’s waiting for the right time to end it. That’s a formality and I don’t regard it as a big deal.

I recently asked her to come away with me for a weekend but she says it’s 'weird' because of what happened with my friend at work. Even though they have no ongoing connection and they’ve both moved on from what happened that night, I think my friend would be upset to learn about just how close we’ve become. He’s a very good friend of mine. I’d never sacrifice our friendship and I’ve never hidden anything from him before. While he doesn’t have any real grounds to be upset, I can understand why he might be.

Because of this, none of our friends know we're close, or even that we're friends (because we're worried word would get back). So everything about us is currently hidden and secretive. I know this hurts her.

So what should I do? Pursue this woman and convince her to come away with me for a short break (it needn't be extravagant)? Keep things as they are (which means being hidden but remaining close)? Or break things off with her entirely (which I wouldn't like to do)?

Gunpowder Sun 28-Dec-14 04:39:40

If you were a woman posting this about a man I think advice would be to run a mile. It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it.

I'd step away until she's in a better situation.

Gunpowder Sun 28-Dec-14 04:42:33

I'm not sure she ever will be in a better situation btw.

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer Sun 28-Dec-14 04:45:07

Sorry to say this but she probably just feels pressured into sex with you. Can you just ask her out ? She's kind of turned you down already.

I know you've got feelings for her but you come across as expecting sex from the off because you know her, 'history'. It's a bit, 'come on love, I know what you're like'

I'm guessing the other bloke in all this bragged in great and glorious detail about what was on that night in private ? Now you would like your portion as you know what's on the menu ?

Do you feel entitled because she was up for it with him ? Do you just want what he got ?

It sounds sleazy to me. If she's trying to put that incident/episode behind her she won't want any reminders. Especially if you have the gall to question her morals in the future.

Probably why she feels, 'weird' about it.

Gunpowder Sun 28-Dec-14 04:48:17

Sorry just reread and saw nothing romantic has happened. Ignore the cake part. Afraid I still don't think she's that keen.

peasandlove Sun 28-Dec-14 05:20:07

She needs to end it with her boyfriend then you're free to ask her out. The fact she shagged your mate in the past shouldn't matter to anyone.

UptheAnty Sun 28-Dec-14 05:23:51

She's a prolific cheater.
You both deserve each other.


heyday Sun 28-Dec-14 05:26:35

Guess all you can do is sit down and have an honest chat about where she feels this is going, if anywhere.
I can't really see that it's fair to contemplate any idea of a proper relationship until she finishes with her boyfriend. She may just like the relationship you both have just as it is without the complication of taking it further. Perhaps some people that you know may well be upset or a bit miffed about you getting together but they will just have to get over it.
It does all sound a bit complicated to me and you have no idea who else she may have randomly slept with which may complicate things more.
By all means ask her to go away with you. See how she responds but please do the decent thing and ensure she has broken it off with her bf first.
I think time will tell you what to do. All will become clear to you if you are open and honest enough with yourself to see the truth of what this lady will mean to you over the coming months/years.

ThisFenceIsComfy Sun 28-Dec-14 05:29:59

She has a boyfriend. It sounds like she is making excuses with the line about it being weird because of your friend

TonightTonight Sun 28-Dec-14 06:18:12

Yes I'm sorry but look, she's a cheater. She likes cake. She's got a boyfriend but slept with a married man. Now she's cosying up to you but she's still with the boyfriend. That's not a formality! "Waiting for the right time to end it"
is classic bullshit from someone who just wants more and more cake. An honest person would do the right thing and end it straight away before getting someone else so deeply involved with her.
OP there are other red flags here for abuse - big ones at that. The intensity of the relationship with constant texting into the night etc - the fact that you see her as your carbon copy, the perfect woman for you - it's called love bombing and sorry to sound melodramatic but it's what disordered psychopathic, narcissistic people do to pull in their victims. Please be very careful. This woman met you at a very vulnerable time for you with the break up of your marriage - and she knows it. Tread carefully OP and make looking after yourself your number one concern as the friendship develops. Please keep posting as well. There is a lot of collective wisdom on this site. Take care.

OrangesLemons Sun 28-Dec-14 06:22:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOFster Sun 28-Dec-14 06:40:04

I'm so glad that mumsnet is a beacon of hope for blokes needing advice who have no other avenue. It's really great that men are reaching out here, especially when it's so unusual for them to even consider any sort of agony aunt situation. Fair play.

nickyangel Sun 28-Dec-14 06:44:12

I always find it astonishing how many unfaithful types have 'never cheated on their OH before'...

Sorry to sound cynical, but this is a well-worn golden oldie. She is actually cheating now, with you. Sure, you have not actually had sex, but it's called an emotional affair.

If you were to get involved in a 'serious' relationship with her, I wonder how you would ever trust her? How long until she gets bored with you and finds someone else who 'totally gets' her? You'll become 'the boyfriend' that she apparently so desperately wants to leave, and so on, and so on.

Quitelikely Sun 28-Dec-14 07:21:42

Get her to dump her fella, but how? And more to the point why? This woman may be enjoying your attention but that's all it's not like she has got physical with you is it? If she fancied you in that way, wouldn't she have had sex with you by now? Or kissed you or something?

I do feel a tad sorry for her fella though!

And your friend, well if they had a one night stand why on earth would he be bothered that your getting his left overs? It's an ego boost to him more than anything!

Joysmum Sun 28-Dec-14 07:35:34

She's cheated on her boyfriend with your friend. She's having and ongoing emotional affair with you.

Good luck with her because she's just shown that if things aren't going her way she doesn't try to fix them or do her partner the courtesy of ending with them before she 'moved on' and you want to be her partner! You've been warned. confused

As far as your friend go, he cheated on his wife so what right has he to have an opinion on who you or her should be with?

Fairylea Sun 28-Dec-14 07:41:36

So she is still with her boyfriend? And she cheated on him with your married friend? And is now having an emotional affair with you?

Wow she sounds like a right catch.

You do realise that if she did leave the boyfriend for you that you would just become the boring long term boyfriend at home and then she'd be looking for another lover / affair... its clear she enjoys the excitement of it.

On the other hand. .. I'm not sure why you seem to care so much about your friends feelings. Someone who cheats on their wife doesn't really deserve much from anyone to be honest, even if it was a very one off thing.

Finola1step Sun 28-Dec-14 07:53:29

It's really quite simple. She is with someone else. Tell her you really like her and would like to take things further. Tell her you're serious about her. But that only if you were both single. If not, then you would be happy to be friends (if you would be happy that is).

SootInMySack Sun 28-Dec-14 07:53:50

Avoid this woman like the plague, she's a dirty cheat and looks like she's emotionally using you because she's currently bored with her boyfriend.

Finola1step Sun 28-Dec-14 07:55:29

Oh and your friend - irrelevant. Turn it round. If your friend was single and had now got close with the woman you slept with, would you be bothered?

The only relevant person here is the boyfriend.

Blu Sun 28-Dec-14 10:41:25

I echo the posters telling you to take care of yourself.

Rather than try and convince her to go away with you I would step right back. If she is serious about a longer term, more in depth, and sexual relationship with you, she will miss you, and sort out her relationship and come after you. Why is an independent woman of keen intellect, and no children (mentioned) staying with a boyfriend?

Step back, tell her as she is in a relationship you should probably cool off the texting etc, and stick to it. Partly because it will be healthier for you than to be held in the string of someone who may never want more, and partly because it is the only way to ensure that if she is serious about a relationship she will put her money where her mouth is .

Sorry about your former partner leaving like that.

Lweji Sun 28-Dec-14 10:51:07

Well, she can finish with her bf whenever she wants to.
I don't think she will, though. But I'd protect myself and either start a proper relationship with her if she leaves the bf soon, or stop contact and move on.

Lweji Sun 28-Dec-14 10:52:07

BTW, she has already cheated on her bf and is sort of cheating with you now.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with her?

PiratePanda Sun 28-Dec-14 10:57:12

She sounds like trouble. Run like hell. And I'm also with the folks that say how your male friend feels is utterly irrelevant.

magoria Sun 28-Dec-14 11:04:33

Stop seeing her and go no contact.

If she leaves her bf consider very carefully if you want to get into a relationship with someone who cheats and gets close behind her bfs back.

If she doesn't leave him you have detached and started to move on.

Dowser Sun 28-Dec-14 11:17:47

Shes a cheat.

It comes easy to her.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone with no morals or scruples.

It's like the old saying...when a Man marries a mistress a vacancy is created.

I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.

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