Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Moving in - (new partner's old marital home) asking for own space?

(23 Posts)
pdxs Sat 27-Dec-14 16:00:00

Hello... I am thinking about bringing up a tricky subject and wanted to ask for some advice on how to tackle it

* Before I get flamed, I have not had an affair/been intimate with the man in question *

And sorry for length, but want to give all context..

The background... I have been (emotionally) involved with a man who is in final stages of divorce and seems to be rather serious about me (we have known each other as 'best' friends for a long time,- 15 yrs - before his marriage, and kept the friendship going despite distance all these years, so a bit of a one-that-got away situation, plus he is obviously turning to me for support during this difficult time with his marriage ending after several years - which is kind of how things have started)

This man is pretty serious about me (talk everyday, we have arranged to spend school hols together to progress things - and keen for me to move in with him next year, whereas I am thinking minimum 1 year after divorce finalised... )

So, complicated situation and potentially lots of upcoming step-parent issues to work through as well as the move

He lives abroad, and as he will have main residence of his DC I will need to move to be with him so DC can be near DC's mother - brings up some sadness on my side about leaving my home/network of friends/job (!) etc but I think that this is important for DC so am prepared to make those sacrifices...

Issue at hand: he is in process of rearranging his house as STBEW moved out - there is a guest room, which he wants to change into a playroom for DC (who also has his own good-sized room) - to get toys out of the living room. He does mention that he is not making big changes now as wants me to have a say when time comes...

My issue: as our plan is for me to leave my own home (and whole life!) behind, I would like a room of my own... I have been on my own for years, and really like my own space, I think moving in with someone else, taking on step-parent role etc will be a big adjustment for me and having a room of my own to decompress in, maybe work from home, keep my personal books etc will be important for my own happiness in the new living situation... especially as they are really messy and i am a neat-freak! (ideally I would like us to move into a new house, but may not be a good choice financially/more upheaval for DC)

Is is appropriate for me to mention this now? Does it make me seem selfish/not prepared to give up the single life? My main reason is that I don't want the DC to get used to having something and then resent me ... I also want to see how this man reacts to my request/avoid him wasting money on furniture for that room/importantly - if he will accommodate my needs (it does bother me that I would be the one doing most of the giving up in this move - I am a successful professional woman and homeowner - so could start again, and DC needs to be near mother, but I would still miss my old life! and it starts things in an unbalanced way which he acknowledges and is sensitive to - the imbalance is compounded by fact I have always been the one to travel for visits to see him/his family). Or am I being massively presumptuous? Is it important for him/DC to 'reclaim their space' on their own before thinking of me?

If it helps - DC is 9 (so would be 10 when I move), I would be contributing equally financially to the relationship (I am the higher earner if its relevant) and our plan is to spend time alone together as a couple at Easter (a holiday in his country), spend the school summer hols as a 'family' in my home (which might bring up 'sharing space' issues) and spend next xmas together in his home before a move...

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any thoughts? Is a 'room of my own' reasonable, and would you mention it now, or wait?

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Dec-14 16:22:03

Woah, steady on!

Do his children know you?

How often do you see this guy?

You are the bigger earner but are going to buy somewhere (just your money or shared?) for him, his family and you. How long do you spend when you're with this guy? How many nights in a run have you spent in the same home?

I think you're moving far too quickly, tbh. You're giving up everything and you're worried about 'asking' for a room of your own? You would do better to have a house of your own first!

Jingalingallnight Sat 27-Dec-14 16:29:22

Omg. But you are not even in a full relationship with this man! An emotional affair with a friend is very different from being a couple. Let alone the fact he doesn't even live in this country.

Why are you discussing moving in when you have not even been intimate with this man yet?

Just start building a relationship gradually first of all and see how it goes. He is not even divorced yet.

Several alarm bells here that this might not work out so take it slowly I would say.

pdxs Sat 27-Dec-14 17:09:29

Thanks to you both for your very sensible answers -I see your point, and wanted to clarify a couple of things as I think parts of my post were not clear

I plan on taking it VERY slowly - with a planned move (if it happens) in Easter/Summer 2016, as need to see how it goes (I am very cautious by nature). I did originally suggest waiting til a period after the divorce, but as we have been talking a lot (me supporting him through this period, as he has supported me through eg family bereavments) things have gone in this direction...

I am also late 30s and want to have a child, so its a tricky balance between taking it slow and not letting things go so slowly I miss my chance to be in a good relationship if thats what it is. Also, if it was NOT potentially serious i would just be a friend and meet other men ... which I did at the start but seems wrong now

The child knows me as a family friend, get on well (in that context) - its been visits of 2-5 weeks over the years - the child does NOT know about any plans as yet as until things are more secure its not fair to him (STexW does and is quite accepting/sees it as a good thing as I know child)

It is very difficult for us to spend time together regularly due to distance, plus I will not see him until the divorce is final - we will probably be able to spend about 8-10 weeks together next year (in both countries), not ideal, but a complicated situation

I want to rent out my home in the UK & move in with him eventually to prevent any irreversible financial decisions for both of us in case it doesn't work out (in which case I would move back to UK & resume my career)

There is a LOT to be thought about/discussed and decided between the 2 of us, slowly, over the course of 2015 before any decisions are made: I am not rash

If it helps, the our mutual friends from college days (plus his sister - who is my friend) think us giving it a go is a great development smile

Wow, turning into another long post!

I think I should mention about the room, and ask him to refer to it as the 'spare' room for time-being so child does not think of it as his space... and as a test run to see his attitude about potentially sharing his home in future/taking on board my needs (as a way to get to know him). Does anyone who has had a partner move in to their family home/experienced how children reacted have any thoughts?

Viviennemary Sat 27-Dec-14 17:14:31

I wonder what his wife will have to say about this cosy arrangement that has been developing for years. You seem to be pulling the wool over your eyes.

Drquin Sat 27-Dec-14 17:17:31

I get where you're coming from, truly I do.
But, I'd park the idea of personal space for the moment - there's a million things that need to go to (your) plan first, before you even need to worry about your own "den". If they do all go to plan, then yes it's not a daft idea to eventually carve out space as yours.

Jingalingallnight Sat 27-Dec-14 17:17:58

I would be more concerned about how the 'intimate' relationship was going to develop than if I was going to get a room in his house in 2016.

Vivacia Sat 27-Dec-14 17:26:59

I think that this is a crazy situation developing. You need to step back and get a bit of perspective!

Why are you jumping ahead to the Moving In stage? What's happened to the Getting Intimate stage?

bunchoffives Sat 27-Dec-14 22:35:29

However the child regards you now, after a split between his parents he is likely to feel v insecure and fragile. You moving in relatively shortly afterwards may trigger a lot of possessiveness/clinginess/resentment over the parent that he is left living with.

But all that aside, more importantly, even to be thinking about room arrangements etc and such details means that you are getting very ahead of yourself. Expecting a relationship to progress like this does not leave room for it to fail, and the odds are very much against in succeeding with a divorce/child/long distance all being big difficulties.

My advice: forget completely about moving in atm and focus on building a life you are happy with for yourself with him as an add on for the few weeks you see each other. May be you could still have a baby without living together.

Rioux Sat 27-Dec-14 22:36:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingunsupported Sat 27-Dec-14 23:10:18

Are you actually 'together' as a couple now? It's unclear from your posts whether you're together or just friends at the moment.

If you're just friends now you're looking at a massive jump to co-habiting etc!

fluffapuss Sun 28-Dec-14 22:57:20

whoaaaaaa stop and take time to breathe & think

Being friends with someone & living with someone are 2 different things

Moving to a new country makes this a much bigger decision

I agree, rent nearby for a while & see how it goes

If you do live together in the future, I think the idea of a room for yourself is a very good idea. Call it a hobby room, or have a shed built in the garden, workshop or an allotment or rent a space away from the home. Lots of people like time to enjoy things for themselves. Suggest make this very clear at the start - a non-negotiable fact !

If you move abroad & it does not work out, do you have an escape plan ?

Good luck

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Dec-14 23:32:04

Please make sure you understand the rules of the country before you have a child with someone in another country. There are plenty of women on MN who can advise you as they are witnessing the harsh reality of breaking up with a man and being unable to leave the country the man lives in with their child.

CheeseBuster Sun 28-Dec-14 23:45:23

Erm... What? Sorry but... What? Seriously? You are planning your future two years in advance and a baby with a man you're not even with? You plan to move in with him to another country after staying with him for two holidays? You plan to be a step parent after living with the child over the school holidays?

It sounds like he is shipping in a new wife to play mummy and you are worried about your eggs getting wrinkly so jumping on the nearest available man. Sorry but you sound unhinged and rather ridiculous. Like a school girl dreaming about her crush and planning her wedding.

overslept Mon 29-Dec-14 00:02:37

I moved in with my DP after spending a total of about 40 hours together 4 months before, then not talking for that entire 4months. He found me on skype, I had to move house, he said "come and live with me". I moved from a couple of hundred miles across the country, he came to collect me in a van, we packed up all my stuff and off I went. Best thing I ever did! grin Do what ever you like if you think it will make you happy.

Wrapdress Mon 29-Dec-14 01:57:20

So, are you asking if it is okay to call dibs on the guest room before it gets turned into a playroom because you want it in 2016?

SavoyCabbage Mon 29-Dec-14 03:54:09

The whole thing is utter madness but to answer your question, I think the room should become a playroom and then if you still want to move in in 2016, you can talk about the finer details then. Reserving a whole room in a family house that you are not going to use for over a year seems unnecessary.

however Mon 29-Dec-14 04:24:33

Overslept, presumably there were no ex partners or step children involved. You were young(ish) and relatively baggage free?

I fell in love inside a week, and it was a lovely healthy amazing relationship, and one I don't regret. But we both came to the union unencumbered and in a similar (healthy) emotional position. You can't compare this situation to the OPs.

It may work out, but it probably won't.

BlackDaisies Mon 29-Dec-14 07:01:33

I would echo everyone else and say slow down. You think you're moving slowly but you're really not! You're not even in a relationship yet, but you're talking of having a child. He's going to be in a very vulnerable, confused place if he's just getting divorced. Shelve the moving in plans. Have a few weekends together. See how it goes. Keep his children out of it for the first year while you get to know each other as a couple and find out if you're compatible first. Being friends with him from a distance throughout his marriage is very different to being in a relationship. You can't assume you can just slip into that role. It might work, but it might not. While there are children, and a move abroad to consider you need to be far more cautious.

springlamb Mon 29-Dec-14 07:18:30

Something's just not right here. I don't know what it is, and in reality it's not my business, but something is setting off my spidey senses. Is it that his ex and his sister and him all see this as a nice cosy ending for him, all the loose ends tied up, at a timescale to suit them etc.
what would they all say if you said that 3 months is a realistic scale for packing up your life here so if the plan is for an Easter 2016 move, you'll give a final decision next Xmas after developing the relationship beyond a long-distance emotional affair for the next year.
Do you fancy this man? Are you in love with this man? Something's just not quite right. It's almost like you are being brought in as the booby prize housekeeper.

musicalendorphins2 Mon 29-Dec-14 08:54:19

I think IF things do work out between you after he is free, that you would be better off if he sold his house and bought a larger one. You are not unreasonable to want your own space, and you also want to have a baby, and so you will need a larger place. The rent money you will get can contribute towards a larger place. I'd think that means at least 3 bedrooms, a playroom/familyroom, an office or den, or whatever you like to call it, and 2 bathrooms. Or, perhaps his current house could have an addition?
You are an organized person, so don't put yourself in a situation that is bound to make you crazy from the turmoil of children, toys, crowded bathroom with and untidiness.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Mon 29-Dec-14 09:39:54

its too soon to ask for your own room. let him convert it into a playroom, its over a year away that you might need it...

my dh is also a neat freak, he has his own room in our house just as you describe, sort of like an office. but he never uses it, so at some point we will do something different with it.

AliceinWinterWonderland Mon 29-Dec-14 11:53:18

How long have they been separated? Your "emotional involvement" with this man didn't, perchance, begin prior to their separation, did it? hmm

This all seems a bit odd IMO. Why the rush?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now