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How do I stop thinking/hurting about husband being with OW?

(19 Posts)
iwashappy Sat 27-Dec-14 15:27:47

I have posted elsewhere about finding out my husband had been having an affair for nearly a year with a woman I was friendly with.

He ended the affair when I found out and because I thought it was out of character for him and we had a good marriage I spend some time weighing up whether to end my marriage or not.

I eventually asked him to move out as I needed space to think, word got around what had happened and one of his friends mentioned that his first marriage had ended because he had cheated on her too. She found out from catching an STD off him. This was thirty years ago, I didn't know even though we have been married for 25 years as he lied to me about why his first marriage failed.

I realised then that both the cheating and lying were not out of character for him and I told him our marriage was over. It has subsequently come out that he has cheated on me before with at least half a dozen women.

He got back in touch with the OW the day I ended our marriage. He is moving into a flat we own when it becomes vacant in January but in the meantime he is staying with the OW at her house. It is tearing me apart thinking of them together. I don't want him back, I know without doubt that I have made the right decision but it hurts like hell that he is with the OW.

How do I deal with this? I can't stop thinking about them being together. Will I stop caring what he does? What sort of timeframe before it stops torturing me? Is there anything I can do to help myself not feel like this? Thank you.

Sickoffrozen Sat 27-Dec-14 15:33:35

It just takes time. There is no right or wrong timescale.

Just picture the day he cheats on her because he will. He is a cheat by nature. Some people make the odd mistake but some are just born cheaters and he is one of them.

It's going to hurt for a while but she hasn't won 1st prize....she has got the wooden spoon in this race!

HamPortCourt Sat 27-Dec-14 15:33:58

I think you should feel sorry for her. She thinks she has some kind of catch and all she has is your shoddy cheating cast off.

You don't want him - who would?

Instead of thinking about him start thinking about you - what are your plans? What steps do you need to take to improve your life?

aeon456 Sat 27-Dec-14 15:35:15

I would try not to put pressure on yourself to stop thinking about him/her. If thoughts come into your head, recognise them as a natural part of the process ie the anger and grief needs to come out before you can then focus on other things. Sometimes writing your feelings down can help, or destroying an object connected with the partner eg a gift - it can help to get rid of the adrenaline that builds up.

Roomsdoom Sat 27-Dec-14 15:56:07

So sorry for your pain. I haven't been thru what you have but I have supported a close friend through a very similar experience to yours.

What finally helped her truly move past the events was finding her own new life. She joined a craft group and an exercise group which have her a new social circle who knew her as herself and not as one half of a no broken partnership. So there was no shame or pity and she discovered so much about herself she had never for chance to during her marriage (a live of walking and travelling and her very great talent for making new friends).
She eventually met a new partner via the walking group and they are beyond happy. She now realised she wasn't genuine thriving in her marriage altho she would never have thought that at the time she was in it.

Her ex husband also moved in with the OW but she soon got bored of him and he flitted into several other short relationships,none of which were ever that fulfilling and he now lives alone, a rather sad lonely individual if I'm honest (he stayed in touch with my DH)

It's heartbreaking at the time but you can get through it.

Drumdrum60 Sat 27-Dec-14 16:00:58

I have read your other posts and you don't seem to heed the excellent advise given. You have been delusional about your Dh throughout. You have him on a pedestal for some unknown reason and keep believing him and keep getting hurt.
He is now using you as his excuse to be with OW.
Why is it hard for you I don't know. How can you still love this man or miss him ? Sounds like you never knew him anyway. I would be very angry indeed. Hope you find the strength to move on soon.

worserevived Sat 27-Dec-14 17:18:29

The brutal reality is you'll deal with this, because you have to. To have to be tough with yourself. It's the only way. The kinder reality is it gets easier with time. One day you'll wake up, and you won't care. You'll see him as an old pathetic man (because he is one). You'll see her as deluded and feel sorry for her, as after all what has she gained? Nothing more than someone you have rejected as not good enough (because he isn't).

Right now though, focus on keeping yourself physically well, as that will keep you mentally strong and act as a distraction. Eat well, get fresh air and exercise, keep busy. Meet friends for coffee, lunch, drinks, dinner, whatever works well in your routine. Talk about the ordinary stuff, and have a laugh. Relish the freedom! You're free! Free to do what you want, when you want, without pandering to any of his needs.

This is such a hard time of year, even the toughest get maudlin over what could have beens. There is no weakness in finding some days hard, but focus on the fact that every day you will heal a little bit more.

iwashappy Sat 27-Dec-14 17:46:06

Sickoff one minute I think he probably will cheat on her and it won't last between them. Then I think that because she's a lot younger than him and he's late 50s that he might get a bit past all of that at some point and behave himself.

I know it's down to him what happened and that I ended it with him, but it does feel like she's got one up on me even though, as you say, she's won the wooden spoon. She does know his history, she bloody well knew more than I did about his past so I would think she will worry that he might cheat on her.

HamPort I can't feel sorry for her. I hope he hurts her as much as he has hurt me. She knew he was married, she was friendly with me knowing that she was sleeping with my husband. They were friends and I felt an absolute idiot when I found out they had been having an affair under my nose.

I do intend to do more socially in the New Year. There are hobbies of mine that I am going to get more involved with and I have been seeing friends more than I used to. I am also going to redecorate what was our bedroom too. Thank you.

RaisingMen Sat 27-Dec-14 19:34:10

I remember your previous posts. He's done you a favour, he really has. You'll see it eventually, but until then just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

iwashappy Sat 27-Dec-14 22:56:56

Aeon thank you, I know it's probably part of the process of grieving for my marriage but it just hurts so much thinking about them together. I was just seeing if there were any other ways that might help me to stop thinking about them while it is so raw. I have been writing my feelings down on here which does help a bit.

Rooms thank you what you say makes a lot of sense. I will be doing more in the New Year and it would be nice to know people who don't know him or pity me. You know people are gossiping about you and I hate that. I am hoping it will be easier in the New Year when all the holidays are over and he will move into the flat so he won't be living with the OW.

I don't know what will happen long term with my husband and the OW, I hope it fizzles out but she is apparently smitten with him and I don't know what he wants anymore. I can get through this, thank you.

Drum I have taken onboard all the excellent advice and help I have been given. I know I haven't gone with some of the advice that I have had, but I have acted on some of it such as getting my husband to leave sooner and organising it for him rather than leaving it to him to sort out. I realised on the day that spending Christmas Day with him would have been a big mistake which everyone had told me, but in the event I had told him to stick Christmas anyway.

I know I have been delusional about my husband. It is just that through most of our marriage he had been, on the face of it, a good husband. Up until a few months ago I had only ever seen that side of him so it has taken a hell of a lot of adjusting to realise that I have got him wrong. Yes he has treated me like shit and shown me a total lack of respect with his cheating and lying and I absolutely hate him for that. He might be a selfish, unfeeling bastard but he is not a nasty piece of work. If I accept that he is a total all round shit then what does that say about me and my judgement that I never realised in 25 years of marriage. It is easier for me to think he has some redeeming qualities.

I know he is using me as his excuse to be with the OW by saying that he is only with her because I won't take him back. I can't stop loving him overnight, I miss the marriage I thought I had. I clearly didn't know him as well as I thought I did, but I miss the man that I thought he was. I am angry, but I am sad as well. Thank you.

Drumdrum60 Sat 27-Dec-14 23:07:35

I fully understand and think you are wonderful but sadly he is not. When you are ready you will start to think about yourself and not be as bothered about him. He most definitely won't be happy with her. Think he's lost his marbles.

Tattiebogle Sat 27-Dec-14 23:12:54

Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. It will take time to get over what had happened. When you find out the life you had isn't the one you thought you had , hits you for six. Please consider counselling if only because moving on from a man like your husband is way more involved than moving on from Joe Bloggs who had an affair. These serial cheaters are a different kettle of fish entirely and there will be way more to him and how the years with him have affected you and how you are thinking now.

Thewalkingdread Sun 28-Dec-14 01:15:32

Iwas I have followed all your previous threads but never commented as you were getting such amazing advice.
I have been through similar experiences, my husband had an affair with my daughters best friends mum and left me, lied about where he was living and moved into her house that she had shared with her husband, it was excruciatingly painful almost physical. I tormented myself about what they were doing how much fun they were having on my misery. I can remember kicking his car, it was like talking to an alien that had possessed my previously lovely husband. They lasted 2 years before he found out she was 'mad'. He has now moved onto another lady and been with her for 7 years, but last year he asked if I'd take him back after 15 years apart, says all the time it was the biggest mistake he made leaving me.
Anyway when he left I felt I needed to keep him as a friend, mainly for the children and maintenance, but it was so hard, having to see him and knowing he was going home to her sharing what we had together, and there I was all alone and suffering badly. It is I'm afraid one day at a time, until you get there.
I know you don't want to do it but no contact is the best way forward.
I went onto meet a man a year after my husband left and had 10 years together. 4 years ago the love of my life, the man who I thought was my true love, someone who made me so happy and had so much fun with, the man that promised he would never hurt me like my husband had, did exactly the same. He had an affair with a work colleague, he was 52 she was 26. I did the chose me dance for 8 weeks while he decided who he wanted (yep i was a total fool) He finally made his decision and chose her, I found out he was doing all our future dreams with his new much younger girlfriend, it hurt more than I can ever articulate.
That break up nearly killed me, and yes that might sound melodramatic but that's the truth, I had to seek help from my gp and I also got counselling, it was a long hard struggle, and the only way I got through it was going no contact, I tried to stay in contact with him but I wasnt helping myself both mentally and physically and I could see I wasn't going to move forward unless I cut him out of my life. I took it one day at a time and when I didn't think I'd get through the day I'd get through an hour before thinking about getting through the day.
I know you won't believe it but one day you won't care what he gets up to, he won't be able to hurt you anymore but it's going to be a long hard roller coaster ride but I promise you you will get there. X

whyMe2014 Sun 28-Dec-14 01:30:23

The answer is 'I don't know' because my husband left me for the OW and some days all I think about is them being cozy together and playing happy families with my children. It rips me apart.

However, I do take strength from all the others on mumsnet that have been there and got through it and I know I have to ride it out to get to the other side no matter how painful. x

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 28-Dec-14 01:44:03

I am so sorry for you thanks

No matter whether he is a serial cheater and/or an ar5e, it much and only time will make it better for you. You don't just stop loving someone.

I'm 15 months on from my STBXH leaving to be with his OW. They are still together. It still hurts me now and again but I have made so many changes to my life that I am almost unrecognisable.

Take your time to grieve. When the thoughts of them enter your mind, push them out almost physically. I had to say loudly, "enough cotton, enough".

It will get better for you but you must go through this awful time in order to move forward. If you feel really low though, please talk to your GP.

Isabeller Sun 28-Dec-14 01:49:39

I identify with a lot you say. It is now many years since I split from exH. Unfortunately I'm not as over it as I'd like to be but I do try hard not to give the destructive thoughts headspace.

Good luck x

stickydate65 Sun 28-Dec-14 14:13:31

"I was" I know exactly where your head is! My H walked out for OW about 3 months ago after 24 years of a very happy marriage and I can't bear the thought of them together. Christmas was awful because I kept imagining them celebrating together whilst I struggled to make Christmas happy for the children! I try really hard now to push him away from my mind because to think about him hurts like crazy. My only consolation is I had my lovely children with me on Christmas day and he 'did' Christmas with them on Christmas Eve lunchtime in a pub because he won't even tell his children where he is living! It's easy for other people to say you haven't taken their advice or to forget them! I think we all know in our hearts that the day will come when we feel stronger but at the moment it seems impossible. Be strong and know you're not alone! it's very obvious by reading all the posts on here that we are not alone! Big hugs for the future we all deserve.

iwashappy Sun 28-Dec-14 22:15:14

Worse thank you your post was very helpful. I do wish I could fast forward to when I don't care though. Yes he is a pathetic old man and although I find it hard to ever imagine feeling sorry for the OW I don't know why she would want to be with a serial cheat.

I know what you mean by saying it is important to keep physically well. Up until I found out he was back with OW I had been sleeping better than when I first found out about his affair and it was easier to deal with than when I was not sleeping well.

I am eating too well, but probably not too healthily. I need to cut down on chocolate! I used to go for a walk most days and I went today and really enjoyed it. It was lovely just getting into the fresh (cold) air and getting away from everything for a few hours. It cleared my head a bit. I am going again tomorrow. I have made an effort to get out more with friends. My sister has been a great support to me and I see a lot of her. Talking about the normal, ordinary stuff is good, I need to do more of that as too much time is spent talking about him still. Although I need to talk about him, it would probably help to switch the conversation away from him too. Laughing is a good distraction too as well as making me feel better for a bit.

There are positives to him not being here so I need to focus on that. It hasn't helped it being Christmas. I am better off without him I just need to believe it. Thank you.

Tattiebogle Mon 29-Dec-14 02:14:50

Iwas, the OW may not know he was a serial cheat - yet. ;)

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