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Knock some sense in to me please. So badly want to kiss a colleague.

(26 Posts)
NoiseNoise Sat 27-Dec-14 15:22:53

Been working in a new department for a few months now, and there is a colleague there who I just want to kiss. I know it's wrong. I'm married, he has a girlfriend and kids, so why am I feeling this way?

When he comes into the room I work in and there are just two of us there, I feel myself going bright red, and stumble over my words and feel there is a bit of an atmosphere between us (or I might be imagining things?). I'm not sure if he realises how I feel, or thinks I'm a jibbering idiot.

Last week when finishing for Xmas, he came in to see me and some of our other colleagues as he was finishing that day and went to give my colleagues a kiss and hug. In between this, I went to use the loo, and came back just as he was leaving, and my colleagues had left the room at that point. He just mumbled Merry Xmas rather fast, bit of an awkward moment ensued and he then left. In one way I was relieved we didn't kiss or hug, but not in another iyswim.

FGS, I feel like a chuffing 16 year old !! Slap some sense into me please sad

Fullpleatherjacket Sat 27-Dec-14 15:40:51

You know it's wrong.

You don't really need strangers on the internet to slap sense into you but in case it needs spelling out limit your contact with him to professional matters only.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 27-Dec-14 15:55:54

From what you say, he possibly does realise how you feel and you're making him uncomfortable, which is why he didn't hug/kiss you as he did your colleague. You're imaging 'what if's' because they're unknown and it's safe for you to do that. It doesn't mean for a minute that he has any interest in you as anything more than a colleague.

You need to stop this, you're behaving like a giddy teen and you have responsibilities. I'm not referring to his responsibilities as there's nothing to suggest that he's in any way about to compromise then - but you are considering it. You could make an extremely big fool of yourself if you don't get yourself together.

You can still recover this, be professional and nothing else. You will hugely regret this if others get wind so don't let that happen.

Sharp enough slap for you, OP?

NoiseNoise Sat 27-Dec-14 16:12:13

Hi full, I needed to get it out of my system more than anything, as there is only me that knows about it (and maybe him). It's like now. I'm thinking about it while off work, which is as unhealthy as the way I'm behaving. Taking up far too much headspace. We speak professionally about 85% of the time, the rest is just laughing and joking with other colleagues there, but I daren't look him in the eyes sometimes in case he sees a potential bunny boiler...I hate myself.

NoiseNoise Sat 27-Dec-14 16:21:43

That's exactly what I needed, lying, thanks.

Wrapdress Sat 27-Dec-14 16:36:20

Don't hate yourself. Work place crushes are normal. The key is not to act on it. Don't talk about it. Don't seek him out. Work talk only. It's okay if a tiny bit of it is floating around your system until it fades away or gets replaced by something else. It makes the day go by faster. It's just an exercise in self control and you can do this. You are in control of yourself.

sanfairyanne Sat 27-Dec-14 16:38:12

you're probably just bored. take up an interesting hobby. or just use the frisson of excitement to liven up your love life at home.

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 16:43:57

Hiya, first of all, you are having these feelings because you are human. You are married, not dead from the neck down. This is going to happen from time to time, so please don't beat yourself up for having sexual feelings towards a colleague, OP.

What matters is what you do now. My Gran was once asked how she had managed to stay happily married to my Granda for so long, she said 'If you don't want to fall off the edge of a cliff, don't go playing near the edge.' It was sage and very practical advice which I have had to take to heart myself more than once.

In other words, a/ recognise that the path you are on leads to a very serious and very steep drop which will cause hurt all round ( well done, you have already done that) and then b/ get the hell out of there.

That means try to see this person as little as you can until your feelings subside (give it 6 months if you can), NEVER be alone with them, give them your personal email or mobile phone no, meet them outside work, or voice your feelings about them to anyone else. Because the moment you do any of those things, you start running towards the edge of the cliff and it will get harder and harder to stop.

So please don't minimise those kinds of actions and trust to your will power alone. Willpower is fallible and sexual desire is very strong. It works much better to just make sure you stay the fuck away from the edge of the cliff.

Once your feelings for the other person subside, think through if anything is missing at home and take steps to strengthen any weak spots you can. Once this has happened once or twice it stops feeling like such a big deal tbh, its just 'oh look, I have a big ol' crush again, that just shows I am a red-blooded human being and it's now time to work those steps again'...

Brandnewstart Sat 27-Dec-14 16:54:17

This is how it started between my husband and the woman he works with. They went on to have an affair. My marriage is broken and my kids no longer have a full time father. Do you want to be that woman?

GlitzAndGigglesx Sat 27-Dec-14 17:04:24

It's not worth the title of a home wrecker in a years time. Fantasise all you want but leave it at that. A man at work declared his "love" for me which completely ruined things. I saw him as a friend and he obviously got the wrong impression. We're both in relationships with kids too. Maybe he sees you more as a friend too?

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:09:17

Please be reassured that if you work the steps, those feelings DO subside and you probably WILL catch yourself looking at your partner a few months to a year from now thinking 'Wow, he's great. I am so glad I didn't screw this up'. In fact, if you are anything like me, you will probably be through the worst of it in 2-3 months.

My DH and I have been together over 15 years and I have had crushes as big as yours about um..about 3 times?blush But have never yet strayed.

The trick is to just be ruthless about cutting down contact (or cut it out entirely if you can) and to realise that your brain WILL try and play tricks with you to get you closer to this fella because you fancy the pants off him. So give yourself no opportunity whatsoever for this to go any further and it WILL fade. Honest!

NoiseNoise Sat 27-Dec-14 17:47:28

Brandnew, No I don't want to be that woman. Thanks for that perspective.

Sanfairyanne, Yes, maybe that's it, the bored bit. I do have hobbies, but I think spicing up my love life is something to look at.

The rest of my marriage is fine, and would hate to lose what me and dh have. I feel better putting all this down, got a lot out of my system. I can see where it could end up and I don't want that. Looking forward to these feelings fading. Wish it'd bloody hurry up ...

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 18:00:10

Hard physical exercise (if you can face it) seems to burn off some of the frustration IME. Good luck OP.

It probably doesn't feel that way now, but your DP is lucky to have someone who is honest with herself about her feelings and deals with them. Rather than just drifting onwards because it feels impossibly exciting!

Plenty people just make excuses for themselves or refuse to admit what is happening...until they end up in a big sticky, hard to get out of mess. For what it is worth, I think you are pretty admirable.

NoiseNoise Sun 28-Dec-14 09:59:27

Thanks Ocelot, I feel better now. Glad I have got it out of my system now, and not to the colleague in question. smile
Thanks also to all who have replied thanks

vestandknickers Sun 28-Dec-14 10:03:58

Stop imagining what it would feel like to kiss him and imagine the aftermath instead. Do you want to have to face your husband knowing you've let him down? Do you want to ruin this man's relationship? I'm sure you don't, so you need to get a grip!

NoiseNoise Sun 28-Dec-14 11:18:32

Vestand - Thanks for your reply smile.
Now I've got it out of my system here on MN, I am confident that it will all come out in the wash very soon, with no damage done to either party thanks

vestandknickers Sun 28-Dec-14 11:50:06

Sounds good Noise. Hope you're over this soon.

It can be quite nice fancying someone but knowing you're not going to do anything about it!

Superfly Sun 28-Dec-14 13:38:15

Oh blimey this could be me. I was going to post the same asking for a virtual kick up the backside.
Have been knocked for 6 by my crush - so reading this good advice is a great help. I keep trying put myself off by imagining the embarrassment if I made my feelings known - what makes mine worse is that I am a good few years older and he is expecting a child with a long term partner.
Am just going to have to sit it out and wait for it to fade just as the advice says on here...

NoiseNoise Sun 28-Dec-14 13:57:26

Superfly, I feel a lot better for putting it on paper, or should I say MN? I feel a great weight has lifted now smile

It has helped get it out of my system, put it into perspective and think of the consequences. (after all, you have to keep it to yourself don't you, which in turn makes the situation doubly worse in your head).

The saying 'a problem shared' certainly applies in this case thanks

You can use my thread if you wish to let off some steam x

Superfly Sun 28-Dec-14 16:32:46

NoiseNoise - you are so right. Even posting about it in here has made me realise that it's quite ridiculous. Although when you are in the midst of it, it seems anything but.
I know it won't ever go anywhere, it can't - even if the opportunity arose (which is very unlikely anyway given the circumstances) but reading the replies to your post has really helped me put things into perspective.
Thank you flowers

ocelot41 Sun 28-Dec-14 17:20:20

I am actually very surprised at how shocked some posters were about anyone finding a colleague really, really attractive. I thought that everyone got crushes sometimes? And by crushes I mean seriously heated, X rated thoughts that persist for quite a while? Or maybe it is just me?

I used to work in a place that was rife with affairs. While I was working there (4 years), 3 marriages were broken up due to affairs in the work place, and several friendships were broken due to switching girlfriends/boyfriends. It was never dull! (I didn't get involved, btw) But made working there somewhat uncomfortable sometimes.

IF you need further evidence that being unfaithful is a major fuck up, have a read of this thread for further proof: - then put yourself in the OP's position.

attt Sun 28-Dec-14 18:10:00

ocelot - How do you control the x-rated thoughts though? Don't they make things worse?

I'm another one with a work-related crush. I'm single and his marriage is rocky but I would still never tell him how I felt. I don't want to be the other woman and I don't want to be with someone who would cheat on their partner. But I made my situation worse by having fantasies about having sex with him. This really screwed things in my head and bought me close to confessing how i felt. In my imagination we are now closer that we are in the real world and I get jealous at the thought of him leaving his wife or cheating on her with someone else (not me). Ridiculous I know.

How do you separate a nice fantasy from real world feelings?

ocelot41 Sun 28-Dec-14 18:26:48

I can't speak for anyone else. I just found that for me, the thing that works is to go nowhere near them for a very long time! Keep it to work if you have to see them and never be alone. Then be patient and realistic.

I dont know how long you guys have been with your respective DPs but isnt it down to earth to expect at least one person to totally blow you away in the space for a few decades with the same person? So why beat yourself up about it? Just be practical and stay the f away!

ocelot41 Sun 28-Dec-14 18:31:07

Never drink around them either. You do NOT need your inhibitions loosened. Just generally treat yourself as a weak, fallible human being who should not be put in temptations way rather than trusting to your will power or morals ( which can do a vanishing act just when they are needed) and I reckon you will be finewink

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