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I can't control my temper because you're a fucking bitch

(149 Posts)
ConciselyConfused Sat 27-Dec-14 13:32:29

That is what my dp just said to me when I told him he couldn't control his temper and needed help.

I want to take my baby and go and stay in a hotel for the night. Am I overreacting? I don't want to be near him right now and I have nobody in real life I can turn to.

Hopingforpeaceandgoodwill Sat 27-Dec-14 13:42:16

That is an awful thing to say. You are not over-reacting to want to get away from him. Do you feel you are in physical danger from him right now?
Perhaps give WA a ring for some advice/help.
Hand holding until others come with practical advice.

Joysmum Sat 27-Dec-14 13:42:46

Classic blaming the victim behaviour.

This gives him permission in his own mind to react however he wants to you.

Hell, there are people who have had family members kied or attacked but wouldn't get in a temper with the person responsable because they choose to behave differently.

If they can keep control, what are you doing that is worse?

Truth is that you aren't and he's the one with the problem. If you aren't bringing out the best in each other then you are best off apart if you can't be like that.

dunfightin Sat 27-Dec-14 13:43:12

No, you are not over reacting. Find hotel, find credit card, wrap up your baby and some stuff to keep you both happy and walk out that door. Have a peaceful afternoon and night. His temper is his responsibility, if he can't control it he needs to go. Sadly, you telling him won't make him change, only he can do that.

ConciselyConfused Sat 27-Dec-14 13:46:05

No he has never been violent towards me but his temper is violent if you see what I mean. I'm in another room right now.

I'm going to take me and the baby out for a walk and see where our nearest hotels are.

gatewalker Sat 27-Dec-14 13:46:07

No reasonable person says this. No reasonable person blames someone else for their own behaviour. The only time I find this excusable if it comes out the mouth of a child, and even then I make it clear that no-one is 'making' anyone do anything.

You're not overreacting. Please do whatever it is necessary to protect yourself.

Justwanttomoveon Sat 27-Dec-14 13:47:42

How does his temper manifest itself? Is he violent and/or emotionally abusive towards you? Blaming someone else for his outbursts is really not good and a major red flag in my opinion. You have a baby, you don't want your child growing up around someone who blames others for their lack of self control, what about when your child gets older and is difficult to deal with (as all children are at some point or another), will it be your child's fault as well?
You are not overreacting, protect yourself and your child from this man.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Sat 27-Dec-14 13:54:47

I once had a boss who was a right fucking bitch. She really was a piece of work, she was horrible, wind up, nasty blaming awful terrible person.

Guess what, I managed to control my temper around her because if I didn't, I'd be in danger of being sacked. I didn't feel entitled not to control my temper.

Your DP is abusive and refuses to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour. He's told you what he is. He's telling you that one day, he will be violent and it will be all your fault because he's told you he can't control his temper because you're a fucking bitch and therefore, you mustn't be a fucking bitch so that he doesn't lose his temper. You must now spend the rest of your relationship walking on eggshells round him so that he doesn't lose his temper. Except that it won't be possible because eventually no matter how much you avoid "setting him off" he'll blow one day anyway because he feels entitled to.

He's setting you up. Don't let him.

Custardo Sat 27-Dec-14 13:57:44

I have had this conversation with DH. I told him his actions and reactions are his responsibility as mine are mine. In the short term you should be looking at your options re money, housing Tec. Research research research get your facts. Only then can you know your options.

ConciselyConfused Sat 27-Dec-14 14:03:50

Thank you everyone. I think I do wind him. I don't know what to think or do. I'm scared I am overreacting but I'm sick of all this and I need a break.

Wolfiefan Sat 27-Dec-14 14:06:34

People often wind me up. I am an adult and choose to exert self control. Me losing my temper would be my weakness and my fault.
Please protect yourself and your child.

VitalStollenFix Sat 27-Dec-14 14:07:46

So who else in his life does he talk to like this then?

How many times has he yelled at his boss that it's their fault he's lost his temper because they're a bastard/bitch/whatever?

Twinklebells Sat 27-Dec-14 14:08:38

why can't he leave? Would you phone Women's Aid for advice. I would also log this with the police too tbh.

VitalStollenFix Sat 27-Dec-14 14:08:38

meant to say - you are not overreacting. He does not have the right to talk to you like shit.

If he can't control his temper that's his problem. There is no reason you should stick around to be his verbal punching bag.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Dec-14 14:11:17

You do not wind him up and you are not responsible for his actions.

Please talk to Women's Aid today because they can and will help you leave this abusive man. People like this man feel they are entitled to abuse their chosen victim and you will never be happy so long as he is in your day to day life. He is also no kind of decent role model to his child if he is treating you like this. Also such men like this one hate women, all of them.

Justwanttomoveon Sat 27-Dec-14 14:11:31

You may well 'wind him up' but he chooses his reaction to it. Please get out now before his behaviour escalates further (and it will).

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Dec-14 14:11:52

Also log his abuse of you with the police too.

Vivacia Sat 27-Dec-14 14:14:44

You are not overreacting. Nobody should ever use language like that towards you. You deserve to be safe.

Authentique Sat 27-Dec-14 14:18:28

I feel that if your partner is having a temper problem, that's his responsibility not yours. I have a temper problem myself though I rarely show it to my husband (then again I reside in a mental institution so not with him). I come from a dysfunctional family too where I was told I deserved hurting becaus eof the temper problem. This is not true, but I did deserve my parents and sister to walk out on me. Do find a place to stay for a short while. He needs to realize he is responsible for his temper not you. It took me years to realize this but I eventually did (which doesn't mean I don't hve a temper problem still). That opens the doors to moving forward. He may not be intentionally harming you, but he is acting hurtfully anyway. Unintended abuse is still abuse.

specialsubject Sat 27-Dec-14 14:19:27

leave now and never return.

your partner should be someone that you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you. When you are together you enjoy each other's company.

these things are the foundation of any relationship. If they aren't there, you are wasting your time. And in your case, in danger.

good luck. Be single for a while, get yourself and your child safe and sorted, and remember not all men are like this.

heyday Sat 27-Dec-14 14:26:43

If you are such a f***ing bitch then why is he still with you? He should leave if you are so terrible but he won't, he prefers to blame you rather than take responsibility for his actions.
Relationships are a two way street. When it isn't working then couples need to split up.
If things are this bad then what chance is there of a happy future.
If possible you need to sit down with each other during a calm moment and find a way forward whether that be together or separately.
It's worth talking to someone at women's aid to see what they suggest.
For your own sake and that of your baby this destructive relationship has to drastically change or end.

AnyFucker Sat 27-Dec-14 14:35:20

and so you are now on to the stage of having been warned so your options now are...

1. stay as you are waiting for the fist in your face

2. totally change yourself into a person that complies with his orders immediately and without question, never standing up for yourself and your kids

3. take your warning and act accordingly by leaving or forcing him to leave

what would you advise a friend to do ?

ConciselyConfused Sat 27-Dec-14 15:54:55

He apologised for losing his temper. I said it wasn't good enough. He said I've been pushing him and pushing him. I said you can't blame me. He said if I go away for the night we are over and he's telling everyone what I'm really like.

ConciselyConfused Sat 27-Dec-14 15:56:26

I left the house but I don't know where I'm going or what to do really.

AnyFucker Sat 27-Dec-14 15:58:49

parents ?

friends ?

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