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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Inappropriate comments from hubby to relative

25 replies

Nicki1983 · 27/12/2014 12:44

Hi all,
So during the Christmas period we had family round, enjoyed a lot of alcohol and was very merry' my hubby decided to tell my auntie in front of my family how she's still got it and is fit for her age, it got to the point where my cousin asked my hubby " if he was hitting on his mum' I was so embarrassed! Anyway brought if up the nxt morning and his response was I don't remember saying that, it was the drink etc. this is now the
2nd time he has been innaporiate, first time being via Facebook, msging other girls, although this happened 5 yrs ago but I only found messages last yr! I'm so peed off but then think maybe I'm over reacting. How would you handle this, any advice greatly appreciated x

OP posts:

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GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 12:47

Your husband is a perv with little respect for you, for his marriage, or for the women he chooses to objectify and embarrass.

Is this who you want to remain married to?

MrsBertMacklin · 27/12/2014 12:48

I think he needs to apologise to your aunt, in the first instance.

WildBillfemale · 27/12/2014 12:50

Your husband is a perv with little respect for you, for his marriage, or for the women he chooses to objectify and embarrass

Is this who you want to remain married to

Fucking hell this is ridiculous. OP your H had too much to drink, he made an arse of himself, no-one will care. At worst he will be the 'dodgey uncle' everyone jokes about, every family has one. It's no big deal.

BolshierAyraStark · 27/12/2014 12:52

He sounds delightful...

He clearly has no respect for you, why would you accept that from him?

WandaDoff · 27/12/2014 12:55

You are married to Uncle Nobhead.

ItsGonnaBeCoolThisChristmas · 27/12/2014 12:55

well it depends - if this is the kind of comment he is making to women all the time, your H is probably a sleaze bag.

But a couple of drink fuelled incidents in 5 years, I'd just write off to him being a bit pissed. He probably thought he was giving your aunt a compliment.

I find many men of a certain age, think they are being 'charming' when actually they are being a bit (or even very) sleazy.

Only your know your H to know what camp he falls into - if its the latter, I'd point it out to him and let him know it's a bit off, but certainly keep a sense of humour about it.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 12:57

Oh hi Bill, spreading your message that people should stay with inadequate and disrespectful partners again, are you?

Was OP's husband also festively drunk and playing the part of the dodgy uncle when he was messaging other women, perhaps?

Who the heck wants to be the wife of the pervy uncle uncle anyway. The pervy uncle has no respect for his wife, his marriage, or the women he objectifies and embarrasses. You can't laugh off the pervy uncle when you're married to him. Or getting your ass grabbed by him at the family reunion. Pervy uncle is NOT an endearing old sweetheart.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/12/2014 13:00

Waiting for someone to come and suggest you LTB....

He was drunk and said something he shouldn't have. We've all said regrettable things whilst uti. Just remind him next time to control his mouth

Nicki1983 · 27/12/2014 13:02

Thank u for your options, it was very sleezy to listen too, however I seem to be the only one offended, my auntie said it's a compliment when u get to her age! I just feel like he said hes sorry and im expected to just move on, again!! Really appreciate all your comments guys x

OP posts:

stardusty5 · 27/12/2014 13:07

It would be ridiculous to leave your partner over a cringey drunken comment. If he does it all the time, then that's different, but we all say stupid things sometimes.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 13:10

This is clearly about more than a drunken slip of the tongue.

There's a reason you feel uneasy about this Nicki. Do you want to tell us more about his messaging of other women?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 13:12

Has he expressed remorse and embarrassment about peeving on your aunt? apologized, either to you or her?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 13:13

*perving

Pensionerpeep · 27/12/2014 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBillfemale · 27/12/2014 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WildBillfemale · 27/12/2014 13:17

There's a reason you feel uneasy about this Nicki. Do you want to tell us more about his messaging of other women

lol at the pond feeders trying to make themselves better at someone elses expense. Hey Nicki tell her all your problems then she won't feel so left out and shit about her own life!

Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 13:20

drunken comments are at best not on - but messaging other women. Why do you think this is acceptable OP? In my mind that is a very big deal and I would ltb over it.

Nicki1983 · 27/12/2014 13:45

Yes agreed, cheering my aunt up with a compliment is fine, but continuing with "she's still got it" and who wouldn't try it on with her" etc just took it abit far for me! Plus everything else she said he would take in to a sexual context/ ie she said her partner was taking along time to come, to which he replied" I don't have that problem! this is his auntie inlaw for gods sake! The messages i found was from 09 but he had forgot to delete, a line has been drawn under this, talked through- he said it was a distraction, my mum was dying at the time so very stressful time, not excusing it!
He is a decent man, despite this, but just feel really embarrassed and can't help but think is he like this when he's out etc.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 17:35

Fucking hell this is ridiculous. OP your H had too much to drink, he made an arse of himself, no-one will care. At worst he will be the 'dodgey uncle' everyone jokes about, every family has one.

Maybe that's why you are like you are, because you have no understanding of appropriate boundaries.

AMumInScotland · 27/12/2014 17:52

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he looks to others when he gets drunk and does this, and how embarrassed you are both for yourself and your family, and on his behalf.

How he reacts to that will tell you if he is prepared to take responsibility for his actions. If he is, then maybe he needs to ease back on the drink on family occasions - if he can't recall what he did the next day, that's quite a lot for a family Christmas (by my standards, anyway )

If you're right that he's a decent man, then he ought to feel bad about behaving in a way that, at best, will have him labelled as the family 'dodgy uncle' - no decent man would want to be seen in that way by his friends and family.

If he minimises it, despite you making it clear how unpleasant you found it, then I think you need to consider how you are going to respond next time it happens. Calling a taxi and leaving - with or without him - would make the point though spoil your day too. But would that spoil it worse than staying there while he embarasses you? I expect you didn't want to 'make a scene' by telling him off in front of everyone, but sometimes that does make people more aware of their actions tha if everyone just blushes and tries to pretend it isn't that big a deal.

Nicki1983 · 27/12/2014 18:40

Lol @ funkyboldribena, clearly we share different standards of what is acceptable, I care, that's the point!!! good to know if it was your partner you'd be laughing this off as ridiculous!! Thanks for taking the time to comment though. @ muminscotland bang on, thank you so much. Sometimes you just need someone to confirm what you already know :)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 18:46

nicki, when you decided to have a relationship with this guy if you knew he was the one who was going to humiliate you and have people feel sorry for you because of his behaviour would you have gone ahead ?

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Nicki1983 · 27/12/2014 18:52

No of course not.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2014 20:02

Then don't ever feel bad for not tolerating it now

vitabrits · 27/12/2014 23:56

If he knows how uncomfortable it makes you, he shouldn't be doing it. Hopefully he won't do it again.

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