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Ready to kill my opinionated DB....Xmas and bereavement related

(37 Posts)
CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 10:49:11

This thread is about me and my brother, with whom I have a complex love/ 'hate' or should I say love/ clash relationship. We are both strong fiery characters but have clashed big time over the past months, with things being currently at an all time low.

My lovely granny died earlier in the month and we've only just had her funeral. Before she died we were both power of attorney for health and welfare and now we are both executors.

He has stayed in my home for 5 days over Xmas- since the funeral. He finds where we live very parochial compared to his London lifestyle but he doesn't drive so he was pretty much stuck in our semi rural home.

He has such an extrovert, big, opinionated, loud personality. He has a naturally show offy nature and can be very condescending. He tries to impose his tastes on others and is very very messy. He is a great cook but makes a huge mess and rarely clears anything up. He is like a man child, loafing around drinking vast quantities and acting like a big kid. I have loads of affection for him, but can only take him in small doses.

I did the lion's share of the funeral prep and feel that dh and I were deprived of family down time between funeral and Xmas.

By the time Xmas day came I was ready to murder him, tbh.

We now face the new year as joint executors and trustees of my gran (moderate sized) estate. I am simply dreading it. Most of the estate will be held in trust till my mum dies with us deciding on investments!!

He badgers and persists when he wants to state his view and he always makes snap decisions. I am a deep thinker and much more reflective, wishing to take time over big decisions ( eg deciding whether gran had lost mental capacity) and we clash routinely over decision making.

How on earth am I going to survive the next few months? How will my relationship with my bd survive?


CheerfulYank Sat 27-Dec-14 10:56:28

Not a lot of advice but a lot of sympathy.

I have a difficult relationship with my own brother so I really feel you. He is my only sibling and I love him but he is also much better in small doses.

Best of luck and I'm sorry for your loss thanks

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 10:59:41

Thanks cheerful. We do have two other brothers but they are not executors, but at last they can help with some of the discussions.I'm still dreading it, though.

I have already decided I'm not having the bd in question next Xmas as he just dominates too much. How lovely to just be dh and the dc!

InnocenceAndExperience Sat 27-Dec-14 11:05:40

I share POA for my mother with my brother and all I can give you is my sympathy. It has been nothing but a nightmare.

FWIW I would suggest getting an independent FA to help you make decisions - it makes it less personal.

This hasn't worked for me because my brother pushes his own agenda anyway and has taken to arguing with the advisor, while refusing to put forward any alternative suggestions except for one completely unfeasible idea which every single person we've turned to for advice has told him is unsuitable.

MinnieOnceUponAChristmas Sat 27-Dec-14 11:07:24

Would it help to ask him to only e-mail re the executor stuff. You could put it that it is to have a record of everything and it would give you space to reply. Refuse to discuss it when he brings it up, keep telling him put it in an e-mail.
I do sympathise, it can be tiring dealing with such a blustery character smile smile

anothernumberone Sat 27-Dec-14 11:08:34

This is a huge responsibility. My father has just been through the process on behalf of a family member with no trustee and it took a long time. The added complexity of your situation is very daunting. It is not feasible that you both argue over every decision if that is what is likely, nothing will get done. Are you comfortable that you both will be able to fulfill you legal responsibility to act in the best interest of the estate even if you do not necessarily agree with each other what that best interest is? If so then I would divide up the responsibilities and take it from there.

InnocenceAndExperience Sat 27-Dec-14 11:10:56

Agree about sticking to email.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 11:19:17

Thanks everyone. I think email will be the way to go, as dialogues so often revert to an unhealthy pattern, based on the roles we seem to have within the family.

It's just so complex as the main asset is our substantial childhood hone, where gran still lived when she died. He doesn't experience the same emotional attachment to things as I do, so it's going to be money making pragmatism all the way for him, with me agonising over the sentimental side if it.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 11:19:40


CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 11:19:59

There will be about 1 million to invest.

InnocenceAndExperience Sat 27-Dec-14 11:21:32

How do you get on with your other brothers? Perhaps they can help with the emotional side of things, and things like clearing the house (if you have to do this).

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 11:36:55

I get on my better with the other brothers, and it will insist that we all share in the house clearing etc . Tbh I am massively resentful of always doing more than my share.

MrsTawdry Sat 27-Dec-14 11:40:50

Nightmare OP. But at least you're calm. I've had a massive shouting and swearing row with my brother. He ruined Boxing day at my Mum's and I never want to speak to him again.

At least you're talking to yours.xx

mwalimu Sat 27-Dec-14 12:18:30

Why don't you hand it all over to your brother, and wash your hands of it?

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 12:26:35

Mrs tawdry, I did have an argument with him on 23rd and he stopped complaining about the lack of transport after that. Yes, we may be on speaking terms now, but for how long...

Mwalimu, I couldn't do that as I've promised my gran. I owe her a debt of gratitude.

mwalimu Sat 27-Dec-14 12:55:45

I'm sure your gran wouldn't want this to be continued if it is going to cause a family rift?

Joysmum Sat 27-Dec-14 13:00:15

You need a good independent financial advisor.

My DH and DSIL had control of dfil's affairs when he fell ill with dementia, and were joint executors of the will when he died this year. They are both on the same page regarding their efforts to comply with his wishes and very respectful of each other, never had a disagreement, even so having a great independent financial advisor has made their lives so much easier. It's a stressful time and even the closest of siblings benefit from things being made as easy as possible by having sound expert advice.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 13:06:50

She would definitely feel let down. She was very especial and influential in my life but...She was big on duty and fulfilling obligations. Tbh I haven't really even got my head around the reality of what she has decided in her will.

My mum is also executor but really really flaky and my gran didn't approve if many of my mums life choices. My mum gets the interest on whatever we do with the estate, investment wise. No one can use any of the capital until my mums death, I think because gran wouldn't want mum to have a fee reign to spend it.

I get to manage a trust, long term, that is bound to cause big arguments. Hooray! I then get to inherit when The kids are grown up, rather than when it might be actually useful! I don't want it to sound as if I'm too focused on the money, but this is such a headache.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 13:09:13

Oh joy, my brothers all think they're experts at everything so that'd never ask for advice! To be fair, they are quite successful business people, as is dh. But I think gran named me as the sensible thoughtful one, to avoid risky/ rash investments.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 13:09:58

'Free rein'

wallypops Sat 27-Dec-14 13:18:02

We have a rule for this stuff. All correspondence is by email and everyone (4 siblings) are always copied in to everything. No exceptions ever.

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 13:23:22

Wally, do you never have actual dialogue then? I can see that email would be liberating. No more a young heated debates. I think we need a face to face conflab in the new year then email thereafter.

I'm also going to suggest that we come up with a list of jobs linked to the probate type stuff and sign up for doing a particular thing. I'm SO sick of doing more than my share in this family.

InnocenceAndExperience Sat 27-Dec-14 15:38:06

You all have to take into consideration that this could be a very long term arrangement so it has to be set up in a manageable way. You don't want to have endless meetings and decisions to make.

mwalimu Sat 27-Dec-14 15:50:43

I think you need to step outside yourself for a moment; and look at what you are complaining about

CosySlipperSox Sat 27-Dec-14 15:55:34


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