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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Today he pushed me

41 replies

MsFriend · 27/12/2014 10:36

Wrote a thread earlier about my partners awful behaviour to me. Constantly putting me down or picking on me. Today things stepped up a gear.
I woke up with a box of razors for a throat. So I'm not well at all... Even though he says he is going to do the kids breakfast I end up doing it. I then sit on the floor where he asks if I would like a cup of tea.. Which I agree would be great. Then for the next ten minutes while I wait for the cup of tea he is saying things like

Why can't I be like a normal woman and prep food. The key to being a great wife is prep
My Christmas dinner was shit because it was over cooked
A normal woman would know what we were eating today and so on...

After 10 min of listening to this shit I told him he was starting to piss me off and to stop. He didn't. As he wasn't even starting to make me a cup of tea I got up and started to make it myself... Giving I slammed the kitchen drawer shut in irritation at him. Suddenly from behind me he pushed me into the kitchen unit. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I promised myself I would never not fight back again.. So I pushed him back to which he pushed me again. I just stopped and told him if he ever did that again I would call the police. He just twisted it saying I shouldn't be slamming drawers and be in his way. I've come upstairs crying. My three year old was in the room next door. I actually hate him I'm going to have to tell him it is over. He makes me feel like shit. I feel heartbroken

OP posts:

Report

nozzz · 27/12/2014 10:43

This doesn't sound a healthy situation at all. Are you planning on staying together?

MsFriend · 27/12/2014 10:43

I'm going to tell him it's over. I am still crying upstairs in shock.

OP posts:

afreshstartplease · 27/12/2014 10:44

No one who makes you feel like shit deserves your time of day, make a plan and get rid

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 27/12/2014 10:46

I'm glad you realise you have to tell him it's over.

You know he's an abuser don't you?

End it now. Call the police and have him removed, he made it very clear that if you defend yourself against his violence, he will up the ante and inflict more violence. You're not safe with him and you need it documented that he is violent man.

Long term, I would call Women's Aid and ask to go on their Freedom Programme. It will teach you how to spot the red flags so that you can avoid this sort of man in the future.

MsFriend · 27/12/2014 10:48

Thing is. We have been together a decade and he has never done anything like this

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 10:49

Time to call it a day before it escalates. Neither of you sound particularly happy.

afreshstartplease · 27/12/2014 10:50

He's done it now though op

MinceSpy · 27/12/2014 10:52

Have you got somewhere safe you and your son can go to whilst you make plans for your future?

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 27/12/2014 10:55

No, he's spent the decade grooming you to minimise it the first time it happens.

And then it will escalate.

That's how abusers work. He has been undermining you, making you feel like shit, telling you your work is worth nothing and then the final blow is that he pushes you and when you push back, instead of realising that he'd crossed the line, he ups the ante and makes clear that he's prepared to be very violent to slap you back into line.

Please do not minimise this. It's classic. Abusers don't start punching you the day the meet you, you'd call the police immediately and dump their arse if they did. They work up to it, sometimes it only takes a few days, sometimes weeks, months, or years. In your case it has taken years for him to feel safe to do this to you.

And they don't start punching you, breaking your ribs and stabbing you. They start with minor attacks like this one - a couple of shoves. A push here and there. Walking into you. Standing on your toes "accidentally". They push the boundaries further and further out.

He's started with a couple of shoves. That's how far he can go atm. If you don't show him that he's gone too far, he'll just push the boundaries further. He may stick to shoving for a few weeks or months. But not forever.

Please, take this seriously. Call the police.

MsFriend · 27/12/2014 11:05

I'm getting up and taking the kids out. I need some space to plan how to do this. I don't even want to look at him right now

OP posts:

dorasee · 27/12/2014 11:09

The push into the unit is one of many awful things going on here. It's time to leave. No need to analyse or debate or wait for things to improve. He sounds like a luxury sized prck! He may never do more than shove you. He may never actually become physically abusive. But isn't the verbal sht enough to go on though? Is that not in itself a deal breaker?

tribpot · 27/12/2014 11:17

He may not have physically abused you before today but if today's verbal abuse was a sample of what he's been putting you through, you have more than enough reason to end this relationship.

He has a fixed idea of what a woman has to be. Make sure you are your own person.

Sandthorn · 27/12/2014 11:18

Dorasee, I agree that the verbal shit is quite bad enough, but he has become physically abusive.

OP, no one could blame you for shoving back, but it's not the smart way to fight back. Get yourself and your child out of the house, to a safe place where you can think, and work out how you can safely get out of this.

MsFriend · 27/12/2014 11:41

As predicted. I have come downstairs and he approaches me saying "are you going to stop acting like a psycho now"
I told him that I am sick of him being emotionally abusive to me which he laughed at. Totally trying to sweep it under the carpet and make out I am in the wrong. I told him it is over. He has gone upstairs hardly taking any notice of what I have said.

OP posts:

antimatter · 27/12/2014 11:45

You don't have to explain yourself to him.
If you feel insecure in your home you have right to protect yourself.

wallaby73 · 27/12/2014 11:47

Seriously. Get. Him. Out. Otherwise he is going to successfully minimise this, laugh in your face and carry on "reducing" you, invalidating you. And growing more powerful by the minute. This is crucial. You need to act decisively now, for your own wellbeing and safety, and that of your children.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 27/12/2014 11:51

Agree this is a watershed moment.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 12:05

Totally trying to sweep it under the carpet and make out I am in the wrong.

Well, he is hardly going to say 'yes - I am an abuser, you are so right dear' is he?

What is the house situation? Yours, his, joint? Rented, mortgaged? Do you work?

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 12:24

Ring the police, get it logged.

I agree with the poster pointing out that if it had happened earlier on in the relationship you wouldn't be minimising it. You've got used to accepting his abuse.

Loubylou19 · 27/12/2014 12:30

Sounds just like my home! I would love to think he's just a grumpy shit but he's not. His moods are his power and then the rest. I've been with him for 11 years. He stopped for a while but then started again. Apparently it's all my fault for not being the person he wanted to be with. He has a hang up about previous partners etc. I tricked him into our relationship.
I would love to say to you get out now, before he gains more power over you, but I know how hard it is. They manage to make it seem small and make you believe that it was nothing, that you would be silly to leave for such a small incident. I now have a 6 and 2yr old. I feel so trapped.

Vivacia · 27/12/2014 12:31

What's your advice Louby?

RaisingMen · 27/12/2014 12:34

OP I really hope you take the advice you are being given and leave, although I suspect you won't until it escalates - and it will.

Is this the sort of environment you want your children in? If your best friend had written your post what advice would you give her?

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GoatsDoRoam · 27/12/2014 12:53

This may be the fist time he has pushed you, but you had a decade of put-downs to go with it. This is not a one-off: this is who he is, and how he feels entitled to treat you.

You know that this is a deal breaker. You know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, and you also know that you can leave and start again.

You deserve better than this, love. He won't change, he doesn't want to see how wrong his behavior is. Go.

Loubylou19 · 27/12/2014 12:56

My advice is leave before it gets worse vivacia

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 27/12/2014 13:25

Whoever said actually don't wait for it to get worse, surely it's bad enough as it is right now, had a point.

Even if he hadn't pushed you, this relationship is awful.

Flip

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