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husband went out on boxing day - is that reasonable?

(76 Posts)
lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:36:00

So my husband and i have had a bad year in our marriage. We are trying to work things out but i am still upset he decided to go out last night. The basics are we have no local family and always spend christmas just the 2 of us and now with our 2 year old. My husband only gets xmas day off work as he takes 3 days over new year so we can go to my sisters. Yesterday he texts me from work to say his work mates are going out tonight and can he go- i say fine. Then later he texts again to say one cant make it tonight and they want to go yesterday, boxing day. I was not happy as this would mean he gets in from work and then an hour later goes out for the night (staying out as his work is half hour drive) and i am left in on my own with our daughter in bed. He knew i was upset but went anyway, now i cannot seem to get over it. After such a bad year in our marriage i wanted him to show me he cares about me and i cannot help thinking an act like this just highlights he will never put us first. He says it didnt feel like boxing day to him as he was at work and if he didnt see his mates then he wouldnt get another chance over xmas- and we will have 3 days at my sisters when he is off work to enjoy. I am not even sure why I cant let this go but it just feels like he doesnt care enough.

hotblacktea Sat 27-Dec-14 10:40:32

did you make it clear it would upset you and you didn't want him to go ? are you also planning to sit him down and explain all you mention in your post to him as well ?

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 27-Dec-14 10:43:39

He went out for a drink with his work mates. I may be in the minority here but it was one evening. If he was out every night over the Xmas period then yes, you would have every right to feel annoyed. You had agreed for him to go out on a different night but have now objected as it is Boxing Day. I think you are over thinking this and turning it into an example of him not caring or putting you first. Him turing down the evening to stay at home with you would have achieved what in the long run?

DrSethHazlittMD Sat 27-Dec-14 10:49:28

Does he have any family other than you? Seems to me he DOES put you first - he's taking three days off at New Year so you can go and spend it with YOUR sister, even if this means he can only have one of the two Xmas bank holidays off work. Does he see any of HIS family, other than you? I think it's a bit mean to begrudge him one evening to spend with his mates.

Ludways Sat 27-Dec-14 10:50:16

I'm with can'tbelieve, I don't see the problem. You'd already said he could go out one night, he just changed the night. He'll be home Saturday night instead of Friday night. I don't think it indicates his level of caring at all.

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:50:32

Yes he knew i was upset but i didnt want to tell him not to go as that is his choice- i guess i wanted him to make the decision it would be wrong to go himself. I think he thinks i am being stupid which makes it hard to sit down and talk about it- last thing i want is a row

VixxenPlusAllTheOtherReindeers Sat 27-Dec-14 10:52:39

Why can't he go out with his work friends?
I went out yesterday and I am going out tonight. Dp went out four times over the run up to xmas. Tis the season and all that.

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:53:06

Thanks for everyones replies- we saw all his and my family beofre xmas over a weekend as they live 150 miles away.

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:54:43

We dont have any probpem with each other gping out with friends, guess it was just coz it was boxing day. Only one of us can go out at once due to our daughter so it meant I couldnt do anything.

ElizabethHoover Sat 27-Dec-14 10:56:48

you sure there is no other woman?

hotblacktea Sat 27-Dec-14 10:57:52

this seems to be about much more than just the night out

you say you had a bad year in the marriage, are you able to give more details ? how does he treat you generally, and do you still love him ?

was there ever a conversation in which he agreed to always put you and your dd first, no matter what ? then i would understand why this upsets you so much

TheNewWitchOfSWL Sat 27-Dec-14 10:58:22

I don't know why you think going out on boxing day after work is any different than going out on the 27th?
Do you have the tradition to make a special Boxing Day Evening when he comes in from work?
Unless he comes back drunk and are aggressive I really can see no problem and he even asked you beforehand…
Boxing day is a normal day, specially if he is working anyway and you have no gathering at home.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 27-Dec-14 10:58:44

I think the thing itself doesn't sound so bad. It's the context that makes the difference; as you say, you feel he will never put his wife and child first. If they're his workmates he may not see them again over Christmas, but he's surely going to see them again in a week or so.

MinceSpy Sat 27-Dec-14 10:59:55

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable, he asked if you minded and you said no. It's one night with his mates then you are having three days together. Nothing to stop you have a night out with your girlfriends soon.

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 27-Dec-14 11:00:39

Yes he knew i was upset but i didnt want to tell him not to go as that is his choice- i guess i wanted him to make the decision it would be wrong to go himself

Now you are starting to sound like a bit of a martyr.

Only one of us can go out at once due to our daughter so it meant I couldnt do anything.
Is this the real reason you are annoyed?

GaryBaldy Sat 27-Dec-14 11:01:14

Wow Elizabeth that's a bit of a jump from one night out to an affair.

OP why can't you both go out? i know you have no family local, but that is the same for lots of people, they just find a local babysitter.

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 11:01:36

It is in the context of the problems we are already having- we have done the whole works, relate and everything. Things do seem to be getting better but little things like this make me wonder.

GraysAnalogy Sat 27-Dec-14 11:02:15

Don't see the problem really, sorry OP.

InfinitySeven Sat 27-Dec-14 11:02:22

You don't seem sure what the issue is yourself.

Initially you say that it left you on your own, because your daughter was in bed. Then it is because it's Boxing Day. Then it's because only one of you can be out at a time so it meant you couldn't do anything.

I think this could be something small that you are blowing up because you are generally unhappy?

TheNewWitchOfSWL Sat 27-Dec-14 11:04:07

Maybe you want to leave the relationship and is trying ti find an excuse/blame him?

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 11:04:40

Who isnt a bit of a martyr every now and again- i am aware of this! I wasnt cross because i couldnt go out but with some notice could have arranged to see a friend and take my daughter with me so i wasnt in on my own.

GotToBeInItToWinIt Sat 27-Dec-14 11:06:14

Elizabeth why would you leap to that assumption?? Man goes out on Boxing Day = having an affair?? Madness. I don't really see the problem to be honest, all he's done is chance the day. He's at home on the 27th rather than the 26th. It being Boxing Day doesn't mean there's an unwritten rule that he has to be at home. And as his friends had changed the day they were going out his options would be to go out with them on Boxing Day or not to go out at all, therefore I think you are being unreasonable I'm afraid. Have a nice evening together this evening instead.

ElizabethHoover Sat 27-Dec-14 11:06:47

What leads me to that idea? MANY threads on here!

ElizabethHoover Sat 27-Dec-14 11:07:31

it wouldnt be the first time other woman said ' well at least stay over Boxing Day night"

lizzie867 Sat 27-Dec-14 11:08:02

Oh, i ignored the affair comment! I dont wanna leave, things have been dificult for a year and we are working really hard at putting them right. The issue is we planned to have boxing day night in together with a film and baked cheese and at the last minute he went out. It was by this time to late for me to make plans so the consequence was also i was left home alone.

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