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Verbally abusive ex - thought he might give it a break at Xmas!(11 Posts)
So ex and I have a DS who is 3. He had him for the day yesterday. Picked him up in the morning all happy and asked how I was etc.
To give some background: We're currently working towards Ds staying with him overnight. DS is really anxious and upset about the idea so it's obviously a concern and isn't happening as fast as ex would like.
Because he wasn't having him overnight I suggested him getting him early and getting him ready for bed and bringing him home at 8. I said just keep talking about when he does have a sleepover there, and getting him all ready for bed would get him used to the idea. He said good idea.
When he finally brought him home, he had a face like thunder, had a real go at me for being a crap mum who drags his son out in a car after 8pm when he could have slept at his. DS asked for the sweets he'd brought home with him and I said no it's bedtime, you can have those tomorrow. Ex then said I was horrible and should let him have them now. He then called me some names, told me I was ugly and he'd see me in court.
He forgot to bring his coat back so I had to contact him this morning to ask for it - he phoned me back and he's at work all day so I can't have it. I asked if I could collect it from the house, and he laughed and said best you don't, as his girlfriend would 'smash you up'. He then said if I was a bloke he would come round and smash me up.
Every time I try to have a grown up conversation about contact etc, it just ends in him insulting me, telling me I'm crazy/mental, lying about past events, and telling me he never loved me and no one else ever will etc.
It's so tiring and draining and I'm so careful never to say anything nasty back. He says he'll make sure DS hates me when he's older, that he's going for 50/50 contact. I'm going to have years of this, and I'm so worried that what he's like will rub off on DS who at the moment is such a kind loving little boy.
What an absolute twat your ex is.
Others may not agree with me but I would tell him until he can be civil he won't be seeing ds at all and go ahead and take me to court, you can then have it written down exactly when contact happens. If he threatens you, call the police, you could get a non molestation order on him. No wonder your ds is anxious, spending time with this wanker. It's appalling behaviour, shouting at you and calling names not to mention threats to 'smash you up'.
Was your ds there when he said/did this? Clearly you are NOT a bad mother, what sort of father brings there child out in December without a coat, so angry on your behalf.
You need to log his threats with the police as I'm sure they will be taken into consideration in court. I'm no legal expert but very much doubt he would get 50/50 contact, its another threat designed to upset you.
Why are you "working towards overnight contact" ?
I would rarely recommend this but I think you should stop all contact. Let it go through the courts. Document everything he says. Contact only through email. Talk to a solicitor, Citizens Advice and Women's Aid.
Your ds' anxiety at just 3 years old has rung alarm bells for me. Something is really not right here.
I would push for supervised contact. And def no over night access.
I agree with anyfucker. I would be working towards less contact not more.
Is that contact formalised? He won't get 50:50 contact. Diary all his abuse to you. Date and what names you were called and what (mundane) event triggered the abuse.
This is so text book, the "you're a shit mother" chapter in the Arsehole handbook. They all read that chapter I can tell you.
Thank you all, sometimes it helps to know I'm not crazy.
The contact he currently has is part of a court stamped consent order - although we've changed it slightly since then by mutual agreement.
I've been trying to work towards overnights because I keep reading that if we go to court, it will be given anyway, and I want DS to be happy to go there, not to suddenly have to do it because it's court ordered and then be traumatised. But I don't feel he's ready which is why it's not happened yet.
DS does enjoy going to his dads, he always comes back happy and ex is really good with him. However he is awful to me, and he will say it all in front of DS and doesn't seem to be able to control his hatred for me.
I'm at a loss to what is best.
To clarify, DS is happy to go to his dad but gets anxious if overnight is mentioned.
You are the best person to judge the effect of contact on ds. Keeping a diary is a really good idea.
Practical tips I can give you are to have spare coat/hat/shoes so that if you don't get stuff back, you don't have a stand off or have to keep him indoors til you get something back. I got stuff second hand as it is expensive to have duplicates. The less bothered you are, the less tension it creates, although of course it would be better if ex just got his shit together.
Try and keep handovers to a public place- the library, carpark, playpark. Having other people around should intimidate him from shouting at you. As you say its not just horrible for you, but very upsetting for ds, he may come to dread handovers if they are so unpleasant. If he has to come to the house, get ds ready for him early and act like you are just leaving too (go round the block). If he is dropping him off at yours there is less you can do but perhaps see if you can have a friend or neighbour hovering around in the background.
I find email for discussing arrangements much better as you have more distance. Phone is only for emergencies for us. Ex now sticks to this although in the begining I had to say, "Please email me instead, I'm going to hang up now" calmly as you can as he wouldn't keep to it. Ditto if he is discussing things in person in front of ds, tell him you will email.
If you have to discuss ex with ds, eg if he asks why daddy said XYZ, be clear to criticise his behaviour, not him as a person, because if ds loves him it will be upsetting for him.
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Your child is upset at the idea of overnight contact and still you are working towards it, and being accommodating wrt how long your ex has DS?
Time to start being a LOT less accomodating. Listen to your child.
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