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Please help - Should I divorce him?

(20 Posts)
nickyangel Sat 27-Dec-14 07:44:52

I have found myself in a very sad situation and I am hoping I can get some help to tell if I am being unreasonable. I am new here and feeling very emotionally fragile at the moment so please be kind.

I am 37 and have been with my now-husband for four years. We got married in July, so obviously not a long marriage. I knew he was bisexual from the beginning and this wasn't a problem for me. However, after the initial phase at the beginning of our relationship, he has pretty much refused to have sex with me more often than very grudgingly once a month.
Sex has always been important to me, and while I am a bit overweight, I am not huge or hideous. I take good care of myself and I do not look my age. I was disappointed and it did, if I am honest, impact my self-esteem when I realised how uninterested in sex he was, but I tried to 'rationalise' it and just make the best of things as he was nice to me and in other ways we were happy.
After we got married, he said he wanted kids. He even said he would consider leaving me if I could not or I refused. I pointed out that I am 37 and we should probably try, then. He agreed, but the sex was only more grudging. Afterwards, he would shower immediately and took off to the spare room. When I confronted him, and told him it hurt my feelings, he just shrugged. I then looked at his computer ( wrong to snoop, I know) and found that he continually watches gay porn of men around 20 or so ( he is 34). I also found suggestive comments on pictures of young gay men in topless poses on Instagram that he had made, and that he had a Tumblr which was following mostly pictures of the same.

I took screen shots of this and I asked him wth was going on. He told me that it was not because they were men, but because he finds sex 'stressful' and doesn't enjoy it. I offered to watch porn with him, and he refused, telling me it was a 'private thing'. I asked what I could do to make sex less stressful, and he said 'nothing'. He denies that he finds me unattractive. I don't think I believe him, though. I have spent about three years trying to be understanding about his 'low sex drive' but now I think it was all just a lie.
I do feel unattractive now. I also feel tricked, as we have been actually ttc! I hope I am not pregnant. To cut a long story short, we have had a horrid Christmas and though I have tried and tried to be an understanding person and sympathetic, I now just feel used, and completely confused as to why he demanded we have kids.
I feel so devastated. I have actually been on antidepressants for about a year and have thought there was something wrong with me. I don't know, now. I have often felt gaslighted and he has told me it is all my fault.
I was so desperate for a baby and wanted this to work but now I am alone in our bedroom ( I kicked him out to the spare room) and I think I should separate from him. This will be hard because I was made redundant in October and have no money, and I feel a fool and I am so afraid. But how can I stay?
Please, any thoughts would be good. Sorry this has been so long. Thank you.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Sat 27-Dec-14 07:48:52

I think he's probably gay and doesn't want to admit it and that's why he has blamed you for his lack of interest. I don't think he sounds very kind.

Archduke Sat 27-Dec-14 07:54:46

Oh love, he's gay you know.

I think you need to separate. What a horrible situation for you, I'm so sorry.

RonaldMcFartNuggets Sat 27-Dec-14 07:58:45

He's a selfish prick for marrying you. Get an annulment and move on x

Schoolaroundthecorner Sat 27-Dec-14 08:03:49

If he shows such a strong interest in gay porn and such a lack of interest in you I think that tells you what you need to know. He isn't being fair or honest with you and clearly isn't bothered about working on any issues he has, or you both have in the relationship together. He's shifting all the blame and this isn't a true partnership.

I think you need to focus on your long term happiness OP. Put yourself first. If this relationship isn't fulfilling your needs then move on and don't let yourself be made miserable.

Squeegle Sat 27-Dec-14 08:03:53

Yes definitely.
Nothing you have done or otherwise. He has been selfish.

nickyangel Sat 27-Dec-14 08:07:06

Thanks for the replies so far. I do agree this is what it looks like. But I have asked him and asked him. I have no idea why he would marry me if he knew he was gay, not bisexual. I wondered if I was just an 'easy' way to have kids. That makes me sad, but it looks like it's true.

I don't feel like he had anything to lose by telling me the truth and finding a man. I am bisexual myself and he has never been secretive about his sexuality. So this seems even more bizarre.

I don't know what on earth to think. I don't even want to look at him right now.

Singsongmama Sat 27-Dec-14 08:07:59

Yes divorce him. You deserve so much more. He has stolen 4 years of your life when someone else could have been really loving you and trying to start a family with you for all the right reasons.

Take back control and kick him to the kerb. He is living a lie.

Good luck flowers

PurpleWithRed Sat 27-Dec-14 08:13:04

Did he suddenly change after your wedding? Whether he's bisexual or gay, your marriage isn't working and you can't stay.

Windywenceslas Sat 27-Dec-14 08:30:12

It certainly sounds like he's gay. But gay, straight, bisexual, these are all labels which don't matter, the only label that matters is crap husband. That's what he is and you should seriously consider whether or not you want to stay in this, it won't get better as he sounds disinterested in your needs. Sorry

KlepTheHallsWithBoughsOfTronic Sat 27-Dec-14 08:50:07

You're not getting what you need from this relationship. You should have and give love, support and respect. It sounds like all three are missing here and so you need to extricate yourself from an unloving relationship.

scarletforya Sat 27-Dec-14 08:56:46

He's gay and is using you to have children op.

scarletforya Sat 27-Dec-14 08:57:32

Sorry, posted too soon. Please divorce him. And quickly!

SeasonsEatings Sat 27-Dec-14 09:09:15

Keep him in the spare room, throw yourself into job hunting. Use the joint account to get some new clothes for interviews and go see a good solicitor about divorcing him. You need some fun, have some girls to go out with?

Quitelikely Sat 27-Dec-14 09:11:36

I know you think he was honest with you but he wasn't really being honest with himself IMO.

Now he has to face up to a situation where he cannot maintain the norm because IMO it isn't his normal.

Even if he isn't gay, he isn't making you happy and I don't think he's very happy either.

WildBillfemale Sat 27-Dec-14 09:18:55

Don't waste anymore of your life in this destructive situation because he can't come to terms with his true orientation.

He's gay. You are young enough to start again.

AndreaKaren123 Sat 27-Dec-14 09:22:59

Sorry to read what has/is happening to you. Best to call it a day. Before he destroys what you have left if any of your self esteem or confidence. I wish you well x

RaisingMen Sat 27-Dec-14 09:29:35

Please leave OP. Don't waste any more years being so desperately happy.

Could getting married and being desperate for children be a smoke screen so people don't realise he's gay? Could he be scared to come out and therefore be trying to be the 'perfect' family man so people don't suspect?

I hope you're ok, but like another poster said - it doesn't matter what label you put on it, he is making you miserable and has no consideration for your feelings. You deserve more than that.

nickyangel Sat 27-Dec-14 10:36:46

Thank you, all.

I never thought it was a smokescreen, because he is quite 'out' as bisexual and has never lost an opportunity to mention it on Facebook...joins forums for bisexual people and so on. This is why it is so weird...I have no idea why he would go after me in the first place, if he was looking for a man. We met on a dating site, and he made all the moves.

It seems very likely he was just using me for a baby, though. We did have unprotected sex recently (again, very grudgingly on his part...he actually told me he 'needed to do the ironing'!!?) , and so I am not sure whether or not it is too late for the emergency pill. I have no idea what I would do if I was pregnant.

This is my second marriage, so it is extra sad and I feel like I am a stupid failure. Though like everyone has said, I have talked 'at' him and tried to work things out and nothing ever changes, and he never gives me any answers, just talks around the subject, or makes excuses to stop talking, like he's busy, or tired, and we can't get counselling because he can't afford it, but he can afford most other stuff he wants, like expensive takeaways, Sky telly and so on.

I don't know. I'm coming up to 40 with nowhere to go. I'm not sure what I should do and I never imagined things turning out like this but there doesn't seem anything else I can really do but leave.

HollyJollyXmas Sat 27-Dec-14 11:50:55

He is clearly gay. Maybe he feels more comfortable with the bisexual label, but if he finds sex with his wife unbearable and is secretly looking at gay porn...that speaks volumes, really.

Yes, you should leave him. This sounds like an unhappy, sex-less marriage lacking intimacy and totally lacking any real honesty and integrity on his part.

I can only imagine how difficult this all is for you, and my heart goes out to you...but the alternative is to stay in this miserable marriage and spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to touch you and who obviously has some very deep issues around his sexuality and identity. That will be TRULY miserable and a waste of your life.

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