Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

(167 Posts)
kaylasmum Sat 27-Dec-14 04:18:10

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

butterfliesinmytummy Sat 27-Dec-14 04:22:58

How can it be your fault when he has been arrested for breaking the law? It's not your fault, it's not your kids fault and it's not the polices fault. It's his fault. I think this would be a good time to evaluate your relationship and personally I would be changing locks.

Sprink Sat 27-Dec-14 04:23:31

Is he the father of your children?

Whatever the answer, I don't see his arrest as your fault and urge you to end the relationship.

butterfliesinmytummy Sat 27-Dec-14 04:25:03

Meant to say, you don't want to put your kids through leaving him but tonight you put them first and called the police to protect them from seeing his rage. You need to do more of this and protect your kids from this long term. Well done, you've taken the first step in the road towards a better life for you and your kids.

ZorbaTheHoarder Sat 27-Dec-14 04:28:17

Hi Kaylasmum,
I'm sorry you've had such a horrible evening. Please don't think for a moment that it is your fault. Your DP's actions are entirely his responsibility and he has to face the consequences. You were acting in the best interests of your children in a situation that sounds as if it would only have escalated.

Please don't think that you "can't put your kids through that". You know already how bad the situation is, otherwise you wouldn't have called the police. This man sounds really, really dangerous - putting a pillow over your face could have killed you!!!

Your children will not thank you in years to come for having stayed with someone so aggressive, especially if they feel you only stayed for their sake....

Please take this opportunity to free yourself of someone who is already harming you and your children.

By the way, whether his aggression is due to a brain injury, alcohol or anything else is irrelevant. He is not safe to be around.

GingerbreadPudding Sat 27-Dec-14 05:48:24

I don't buy 'anger issues' as any kind of excuse. The mans a horrible piece of work

GingerbreadPudding Sat 27-Dec-14 05:49:11

Sorry - posted before I'd finished.

It's very sad that you feel it's your fault he's been arrested when, clearly, it's his and he has form. Pease get yourself out of this relationship, the man sounds awful.

FishWithABicycle Sat 27-Dec-14 06:17:22

Really sorry you're going through this but this is NOT your fault. Your DP is a grown up and is entirely responsible for his own actions. If by his own choices he becomes so drunken, aggressive and violent that the police see fit to arrest and charge him that is entirely his fault. Tell the whole and unapologetic truth in court and this will be helpful in the long run as a wakeup call like this could trigger him taking seriously his need to address his issues.

I once met a man who had been in prison because during a drunken brawl he hit a man who fell at an awkward angle and died, and this was considered manslaughter. If his wife had forced him to tackle his anger management issues a few years previously, by calling the police when he was violent, maybe his life would have gone an entirely different path.

ilovesooty Sat 27-Dec-14 06:23:40

Of course it's not your fault. He's responsible for his own abusive behaviour.

Perhaps you need to start seeing the positives in getting rid of him once and for all.

Littledragon13 Sat 27-Dec-14 07:58:30

Hi kaylasmum

I grew up watching my mums ex partner be violent and aggressive to her and other family members on a daily basis. It really caused lasting damage to me emotionally and took years of counselling to get me to wear I am now even though I still struggle in relationships.

Please think how your DPs behaviour is impacting on your children, I hope you all get this sorted soon flowers

Littledragon13 Sat 27-Dec-14 08:00:23


Hissy Sat 27-Dec-14 08:04:19

it's not your fault he's violent.

it's HIS fault he's violent.

you kids would not be devastated, they'd be relieved.

think about it: if he was 'innocent' the police would not have arrested him..

you are in a dangerously abusive relationship. so are your kids. please keep talking to us, call woman's aid for support and talk to the police dv team.

get away from this man.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 27-Dec-14 08:06:11

As soon as I read the thread title I thought "bet it's completely his fault" and sure enough!

How do your DC feel about seeing their mum be shouted at on a regular basis? I'd ask them what they'd rather: see dad less or see mum always on eggshells, and dad raging at her, and her blaming herself. sad

StillaChocoholic Sat 27-Dec-14 08:10:13

My dad used to be violent and aggressive towards my mum and blamed it on a motorbike accident he'd had which had given him head injuries. There's no excuse really though.
The best thing my mum ever did was get me and my brother away from him. You can do that for your kids, they will be better off. You will be better off. Don't stay with him because of some bullshit excuse.
You and your kids will be better of without him.

Lweji Sat 27-Dec-14 08:11:42

You know it's not your fault.
He should have been arrested before, from what you say.

Whatever the cause of his aggressiveness, if it's dangerous for you, he should be away. Perhaps in a mental health facility instead of prison, but not living with you.
Finally, do you really prefer the children to be subjected to his violence? Better for all if they are with him on his best behaviour, even if only once a week.
Children need good enough parents, not any parent.
Any upheaval will lead to more stability than they have now, so well worth going through it.
For their sake, don't take him back.

arlagirl Sat 27-Dec-14 08:13:25

He is a cunt.
You did the right thing.
Get rid of the spineless cowardly bastard.

GlitzAndGigglesx Sat 27-Dec-14 08:15:48

No it's not your fault. Violent thugs deserve to be locked up. What if he laid into your sons DP using his fists? Or turned on one of the children? Because trust me from experience of my own dad - it happens!

KatieKaye Sat 27-Dec-14 08:27:37

It is not your fault.
he is violent and abusive. that is his responsibility.

I certainly would not want him around my children.

Don't make excuses for him or try to lessen what he has done.

He is dangerous.

magoria Sat 27-Dec-14 08:31:14

Do you think your children would be more devastated by a separation and eventually happy home with their mother or their mother dead and father in prison for her death from a pillow he suffocated her with?

This is not your fault. Brain injury or not this man is incredibly dangerous.

Use all the powers available, tell them about his previous actions and use this as a start to a newer safer life.

saintlyjimjams Sat 27-Dec-14 08:33:31

His outbursts quite possibly are due to his brain injury. It doesn't mean you have to live with them or him.

Being arrested may result in him being given more support, it may well not. Perdonally if someone was prone to violent outbursts & holding a pillow over my face I'd be clearing off.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 27-Dec-14 08:34:15

It's his fault, not your fault.

Does he put pillows over the faces of his work colleagues? Punch walls in around shop assistants and friends?

Chuck things at random people at the street? Nope?

Just you, then.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 27-Dec-14 08:36:59

I also think you'd be hard-pushed to find a single child who was 'devastated' to be removed from a scary, giant, violent arsehole of a thug.

sugarman Sat 27-Dec-14 08:38:38

Wat would you tell your daughter if her partner was behaving like yours?

KatieKaye Sat 27-Dec-14 08:43:58

Given this happened after drinking, I'd say its possible the violence is more related to alcohol than to the brain injury.

Blu Sat 27-Dec-14 08:49:43

Kaylasmum, so sorry, what a horrible situation for you all.

If it is down to the brain injury, then that is a tragedy, but sad though it is it doesn't mean that you need also be a victim if that tragedy. You have beeniving in fear, with the suffocation attack hanging over you, and that is no way for any mother, child or family to live.

Also, what about people who put themselves at risk protecting you, like your DS's DP?

Don't focus on the immediate situation, the arrest, focus on the bigger picture; your life in fear, and the children's lives witnessing it.

The chances are that since no blows were struck (this time) they will let him go, possibly willl go as far as a caution) , but he will be home within 24 hours, I bet you. So, immediate situation done with, and you are back living with a man who cannot control his aggression and who is a threat, and causing emotional damage to your kids. And if you stay, loyal, strong people like your DS's DP will start to feel 'what's the point? ' unless they have specialist understanding of supporting women in abusive relationships.

Well done for calling the police, use your time to plan a life for yourself which is free from fear, don't add to the damage he has already done by wasting emotional energy beating yourself up.

Good luck OP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now