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Mixed messages or living in hope???

(24 Posts)
Sogo1 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:38:07

Hi, I'm looking for some impartial advice as im not sure if friends and family are just telling me what u want to hear!!
To cut a long story short, my fiancée left me at the beginning of November and has since got a new girlfriend who he is moving in with at the end of the month. We have a 9 month old daughter. We had been together for 6 yrs when we split. He hasn't given me a real reason why we split (and he wasn't cheating on me), one minute it's because I'm messy, then because I hadn't lost my baby weight then because I didn't want to go out and leave baby. We had an argument the night before we split but nothing to cause a break up. He says he is happy with this new girlfriend but things keep happening that make me doubt what he is saying and these things are stopping me from moving on because I just love him so much.

There are loads of little things that make me question but the main things are these:
He still talks to me like he did when we were together. Whenever he picks our daughter up he chats to me about his work and his mates, he even told me things about this new girlfriend that she had told him in confidence.
He calls me babe sometimes, like a slip of the tongue. Normally it's when he is chatting to me in the phone but sometimes it's when he picks up or drops off our daughter.
A few weeks after we split he text me and said he wanted to get back together and that his new girlfriend wasn't me and he had needed a few weeks away to see what he had with me. He then text me a few hrs later to say he was drunk and couldn't remember sending the messages and didn't mean it. He also said he was constantly arguing with his new girlfriend ( after only 4 weeks) and it was awkward for him to see our daughter.
Then only 2 weeks ago when he was talking to me he told me that he really cared and thought about me everyday and if I ever needed him or wanted to talk about anything I only had to call him but he had to be careful because of the new girlfriend.
And lastly when he dropped out daughter back yesterday I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. He looked ready eyed (but he may have been tired). I asked if he was happy and he said he supposed so most of the time.
His new girlfriend found out about this and sent me an arsy message warning me away and he called me to tell me he hadn't told her what had been said, like he didn't want me to think he had told her.
It's all these things which make me think his heart isn't 100% in the new relationship and it's making me hold out for him. Friends say it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. I want to move on because I feel so miserable but if there is any chance we could try again i want to give it a go because I really do love him so much. I can't see clearly because I think everything is a sign he wants me back but if anyone can give me their opinion, whatever that may be, it might help me to see things clearer.


Fmlgirl Fri 26-Dec-14 22:54:58

He sounds a prince among men. Why would you want this asshole back? You and your daughter deserve so much better than someone disrespectful x

ArgyMargy Fri 26-Dec-14 22:57:57

What an arse.

HollyJollyXmas Fri 26-Dec-14 22:59:26

I didnt read past your first paragraph. He walked out on you and an eight month old baby last month and is now moving in with his 'new girlfriend'.

Either he DID cheat on you, and is a lying arsehole.

OR he is a moving in with a woman he has been seeing for a few weeks, and is an arsehole.

The message he has given you is clear. He is an arsehole.

The best thing you can do for yourself and child is to call his bluff. Get on with your life. He sounds absolutely pathetic.

Sorry you are going through this, but dont put up with this shitty, juvenile behaviour. You are worth more.

CalleighDoodle Fri 26-Dec-14 22:59:54

Stay well clear. He left you and showed you he doesnt care. He clearly isnt that botheres anout his new gf eiter.

Hesaysshewaffles Fri 26-Dec-14 23:00:45

Walk and don't look back. Ever

Sogo1 Fri 26-Dec-14 23:00:54

I know I do, Im not stupid and I know there is someone out there who will treat us better but no matter what I do I still love him and miss being with him

Kristingle Fri 26-Dec-14 23:02:54

What I think is

Yes he was cheating on you, otherwise why would he move in with someone he's known for a few weeks

He does know what he wants - he wants to be with his new GF but keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out

Your instinct to move on is right

WineWineWine Fri 26-Dec-14 23:20:24

Why are you waiting for him to decide what he wants? If he did come back, he wouldn't stay, he'd be off again in no time.
Stop waiting for him to decide. Make the decision yourself that this relationship is over.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 26-Dec-14 23:21:30

It sounds like he's keeping you as a fallback, in case things don't work out with the new girlfriend. Either that, or he's one of those people who must have drama in their life and is using you to make the new girlfriend feel insecure. It must have been him who told her you missed him. Who else would have known?

I think he was probably seeing her before he ended things with you. Even if he wasn't, what sort of man leaves the mother of his baby because she hasn't lost all her baby weight in nine months?

This is not a nice man Sogo.

Aussiebean Sat 27-Dec-14 01:50:09

There are not many women who would move in with a man who left a 6yr relationship with a 9 month old within a couple of weeks.

They have been at it a while, whether he will admit it or not. Although of he did admit it to you, I bet you would not even consider having him back. So he can't tell you that because he would not have his fall back (someone who will welcome him back with open arms and sex) if it all goes wrong.

Stop having the conversations with him. If he starts to tell you about a fight, stop him. His relationship is none of your business.

If he talks about missing you. Tell him to stop because he made his choice and he needs to live it.

Keep all conversation about your dd and nothing else. Not even about your life either.

Start moving away from him.

My money is on the fact that the moment you have moved on and he realises you aren't his back up any more he will up the manipulation. Or even beg to come back. But by then you can tell where to shove it.

ScrambledEggAndToast Sat 27-Dec-14 07:49:26

Don't hang on for him OP. Yes, he may come back to you this time. However, he will almost certainly do it again, plus no doubt you will always have the nasty memories of this period of time when you were just discarded whilst he disappeared with the OW. Don't do it to yourself, look to the future and hopefully you will find someone who deserves you grin thanks

Angleshades Sat 27-Dec-14 08:04:54

He's keeping you sweet so that if it doesn't work out with new DP he can come back to you. He sounds so selfish. You have to move on from him even though you love him. Reduce your contact with him, stop all these conversations with him about his new DP.. He should not be using you as his relationship counsellor. angry

Let him see his dd but keep your contact with him to a minimum. Otherwise you'll never be able to start rebuilding your life without him and will always pine for him.

What he is doing is so unfair to you. He's not thinking about your needs, just about his own future. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

bagelfiend Sat 27-Dec-14 08:22:48

He sounds like a complete tool and you're so much better off without him.

Anyone who leaves you after 6 years and blames it on you for not losing the baby weight is a pig headed arsehole. I'd like to see him have a crack at it!

Stay strong and be glad you got out of there!

MimiSunshine Sat 27-Dec-14 08:33:13

I'm sorry it's horrid but he did cheat on you. In 3 wks he moved fast to meet someone else, fall for them
and decide to move in together a few weeks later.

My guess is she put pressure on him to leave or she'd tell you, hence the silly argument and suddenly it's all over.

Call his bluff, tell him you know. If he says he doesn't know what you're talking about give him a steely look and say "you do".
He'll soon start babbling that 'nothing ACTUALLY happened' and it'll all come out.

The reason he tells you he'll always be there for and to just call is so he can feel better. If that argument had been really been the cause of the break up, you'd be on bad terms, instead he wants to believe everyone is better off.

Don't listen for hidden messages in what he says. Look at what he's telling you with his actions.
He left
He's with someone else
He's moving in with her
He won't be back unless she kicks him out

IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool Sat 27-Dec-14 08:39:08

He's so horrible! Please find someone nice. Yes he doesn't sound 100% committed to his new gf, but only because he doesn't care about anyone else, he has treated both you and her like crap and has no intention of being loyal to anyone. I agree he was cheating before - you don't move in together after a couple of weeks with someone who has a 9 month old. And the reasons he told you he left you, when you had a young baby together, are absolutely disgusting and hurtful - how could he say that to the mother of his baby? It's really nasty. You need to give yourself some time to get over him and see him for what he really is. x

Finola1step Sat 27-Dec-14 08:43:39

You are the back burner choice. The fallback. He is keeping you sweet to make life easier for himself. This works well for him in all scenarios. If he stays with her, you don't make demands of his time or finances. If it goes pear shaped with her, he comes back full of "I've made a terrible mistake. Please let's try again".

He is a selfish man who is only looking after his own needs. He's already dropped in the "it's awkward to see our baby" line. What? So that you feel grateful for any crumbs he throws the baby's way.

Please listen to the wise words in this thread. He did not suddenly meet someone after leaving you and oh so quickly get set to move in with her. He left you and the baby for her. Because life with her looked more appealing.

I don't use this word very often. He is a cunt.

jaynebxl Sat 27-Dec-14 08:51:42

Please close the door on him. Make it a business like arrangement for him to see your dd but other than that you need to stop having any kind of relationship with him.

Drquin Sat 27-Dec-14 08:55:22

Do you know what ........ You're quite probably right that his heart isn't 100% in the new relationship.
But, big BUT, that does not mean that the right course of action is you two getting back together.
Sadly, I suspect pp are correct - in that he more than likely was cheating on you. 4 weeks is such a short time to go from one relationship with a young child, to single, to meeting someone, to moving in with them.

Tough as it is, use this period to sort yourself out - get used to being a single mum, I know it wasn't your plan. Get used to dealing with ex-p for childcare arrangements, maintenance etc only. Don't entertain his stories of woe.

To answer your first question ...... He IS giving you mixed messages, whether deliberately or not. So, yes, you are living in hope. Live in the here and now please - it's much simpler.

Jackiebrambles Sat 27-Dec-14 08:55:30

Jesus Christ he sounds like an utter twat.

Please op you need to move on, he's out of your hair now so you are free to find someone who is a decent person and who appreciates you.

ThomasMaraJrsSubpoena Sat 27-Dec-14 08:55:37

OP, both you and the new GF are doing the Pick Me Dance. Google Chump Lady: her website is an eye-opener.

Take it to its illogical end: who really "wins" the Pick Me you're doing? Not you, not her, just him. And he ain't no prize, believe me.

And, yes, I agree: they'd been at it before he manufactured that fight.

Best way to snap yourself out of the love/hope rut is to get ANGRY. Who the fuck does he think he is making two women fight over him?!? How is this HIS choice? Why not your choice? What the hell is he doing, wasting your time?!? ... And any other thing you can think of.

Seriously consider taking this waste of oxygen out of your sweet baby's life entirely. Be strong, tiger momma.

financialwizard Sat 27-Dec-14 09:00:13

Don't take him back ffs

Sandthorn Sat 27-Dec-14 11:07:27

Totally agree with the others: he did cheat on you; he is keeping you dangling in case things don't work out with the other woman; even if you did get back together, he'd then know that you'll accept any old shitty behaviour, so why wouldn't he cheat again?

I get that you're still in love. That'll take time to get over, but you will get over it, as long as you listen to your head before your heart right now, and don't let him fuck with your mind.

You need to formalise your interactions with him. There need to be clear times for picking up and dropping off your daughter, and you should have her ready to go, so no time for chatting. If you've got a friend who'll keep you straight, have her there as a chaperone so it doesn't get over-familiar. If he texts you about anything other than necessary interactions about your daughter, delete it, and don't reply, not even to say "don't text me". If he starts telling you about his friends, say "we don't need to know these things about each other anymore." Don't talk to him about your life at all... You need to sever the intimacy before you can start to move on.

Vivacia Sat 27-Dec-14 12:10:14

This sums it up for me, Don't listen for hidden messages in what he says. Look at what he's telling you with his actions.

I really feel for you OP, I can't imagine how you must be feeling with such a young baby and all of this confusing game-playing going on, but you've got to snap out of it and not join in.

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