Sorry my first post on here will be a negative one. I am 25 with no kiddies yet.
I'm alone in my flat after spending Christmas day in a black cloud of negativity and tension.
For as long as I can remember, my dad has been a mentally diapered manchild who had such a quick hop from his mum to his surrogate-mum wife (my mother) that he never found the time to grow a sense of social accountability, or experience any real consequences for his actions.
He is an intelligent, loving, accomplished man, but for one reason or another he gets into these moods where he feels like he needs to dominate the situation in petty, horrible ways. He gets off on throwing his weight around in the form of put downs and snide remarks. I think he is lazy and undersocialised, and feels resentful that he doesn't have the kind of life he wants. In the last few years all he's done is hang around the house, and it's making him worse.
If he loses something (phone, keys, etc) while I'm there, I tense up, because I know he's going to take out his frustration out on the whole house, blaming my mum, cursing out loud, stomping and shouting and banging furniture around. Car journeys were always a nightmare, because it was a case of waiting for the almost inevitable row. Wed be trapped with them in the car, not knowing if it was going to be passive aggession or screaming rows this time around. Almost every time, he panics afterwards and tried to act super nice in any way except to talk about what happened and try to resolve it. I genuinely think he's not in the least bit manipulative, just impulsive and immature to the extreme.
Although we never felt physically threatened, it would make my little brother and I sick with worry when we were young. We didnt know when the next fight was coming. We are both emotional wrecks as a result of it, and have has problems with anxiety and depression, but our parents never made the link, or never cared to.
Mum is in total denial. She lives in a total fantasy land where everything is fine. She looks down on people who've had divorces, because sthat could never happen to her, its something that happens to other people. Screaming rows are "forgotten about" and never spoken of again. No matter what he says to her, the minute he calms down, it's like none of it ever happened. She thinks she is being very clever by "ignoring" his outbursts, when really all she is doing is giving him a free ticket to storm about terrorising the house with no consequences. On the other hand, she does literally everything for him around the house. He would be a lost wreck with out her, like a lot of men from that generation.
Because everything would always be "forgotten about", I never felt I was "allowed" to acknowledge that the bad stuff ever happened. It's like I was made to question my perception Of reality. Mum was really bent on making sure I was a doting little fantasy child who adored her parents without question. Neither or them understand why my brother and i keep our distance these days, rather than smothering them with kisses every second of the day.
I am very blessed to have grown up, sorted my head out, and formed my own set of behavioural standards with my partner.
Anyway... Christmas day was a disaster. It was like a stream of negativity coming out of his mouth. He slung insults at the people on the telly, the people on the radio, the people in the newspaper, and generally made an atmosphere. He needed to look for batteries at one point, which led to a huge noisy scene where he stomped around cursing the house, his life, and my mum for "moving his stuff" (if she didn't tidy his stuff away occasionally, the house would be a tip). It got to the point where he was shouting sarcastic questions at mum and taking the piss when she didn't answer. She was working hard in the kitchen, but he acted as though she was just busy out of spite (he thinks meals appear by magic). Me and my brother hid upstairs in our rooms like frightened kids - it was ridiculous.
He only just managed to tone it down when my brothers gf came over for dinner.
At the end of the night, he suddenly moved on to slinging insults at my mum directly, in front of me. He was trying to push her buttons by turning the telly up too loud. When she mentioned it, he turned the sound off altogether and smugly waited for a reaction. When she refused to say anything, he leant across to me in the silent room and said "just look at her face, [my name]. Huh, merry Christmas, eh?", trying to involve me in the game. I couldn't take any more, so I made my excuses and went to bed early. I have no idea what happened between them after that. I just sat in my old childhood room and cried my eyes out. I am 25, and I felt like a frightened kid again. How ridiculous! I feel utterly disrespected.
I think mum guessed I was offended, but I suspect she'll find a way to "forget" this, too.
I'm tired of being expected to play the part of the loving daughter and somehow "tune out" the negativity and never react to it.
I am desperate to do something about it. I need to be convinced that they are not my responsibility, I am not their nurse maid. Do I confront them, or are they a lost cause? I love them, and they're fascinating to talk to, but right now it feels like I'm grabbing snatches of interaction in between the bitter snipes.
Oh gosh, I splurged way more than I meant to. Sorry about the long read.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Christmas with toxic grump parents. Tell me it's not my job to fix them, please!
rainbowmash · 26/12/2014 22:15
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