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Is my behaviour affected by my past?

(4 Posts)
Givesyouhell Fri 26-Dec-14 16:46:26

I was brought up by an alcoholic parent who's moods were changeable and who used physical punishment on occasion. I then had a relationship when i was 16 to 22 which was very violent and abusive. I married after this, again a controlling relationship with my husband who was mostly kind, but did force me to have sex on occasion and once ripped my coil out by force. Over the years I became stronger and divorced him 5 years ago. I've had short term relationships since. One of those involved someone who turned on me very sharply. No harm came to me but it damaged my confidence in my own judgement very badly.
I've now met a lovely kind gentle man. He's been nothing but wonderful. His kids are happy, loved and well adjusted - they're also happy to be cheeky and tease him at times so have no fear of him at all. He cares for his elderly dad, seeing him daily and doing his shopping. He never speaks ill of anyone. No red flags at all that I can see. However, I keep having nightmares that he's turning on me. I find myself becoming anxious if he looks in a bad mood (when I know in reality he's probably just mulling over what we need from Tesco! ). I also - and this is the problem I think - provoke him. I'm not ever nasty or argumentative, and never have been. I'm a pretty kind and peaceful person myself. But what I do is tickle him, poke at him, blow raspberries on his neck, jiggle his elbows when hes trying to do something, and I can do it constantly. To be fair, i would have become angry long ago even though its just annoying and childish stuff. He's given me a big hug several times and said he feels like I'm trying to provoke him and test his patience. He's also said it's fine, he doesnt mind and that i never need to worry that he'll become angry or hurt me. The thing is, I mind. This isn't fair on him. I didn't realise how damaged I was until now.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How can I lose this anxiety? Will it just go in time?

AskMeAnother Fri 26-Dec-14 16:52:38

Get counselling.
Stop being irritating to the nice man.
Relax and enjoy knowing someone nice.

Givesyouhell Fri 26-Dec-14 17:00:15

The top one i can do, though I'm not great at opening up - found posting here hard. The second and third not so easily, I understand how silly that sounds and I would love someone to explain to me why I do it. I think it's something to do with being hugged and held close to stop me annoying him. I'd love the nightmares to stop. I don't know how to make that happen.

warysara Fri 26-Dec-14 17:02:54

You need to get some counselling if you can.

Life repeats itself, and you are trying to provoke this person to be the nasty person all the others have been. Not good for him or you.

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