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How supportive and helpful was your DH/DP postnatally?

(11 Posts)
MrsMcTavish Fri 26-Dec-14 14:59:01

Mine was absolutely useless after the birth of our second child. Our second child is now two but I seriously feel that DH's lack of help and support in the early days has irreparably damaged our marriage. He can't see the problem.

After having our eldest child DH wasn't super-helpful and supportive but he was ok; not brilliant at doing stuff that needed doing but he did try.

After having our two year old, DH did absolutely nothing, and I am not exagerating when I say nothing.

I had DS on the Friday night and got home on the Saturday PM and from the moment I got home I was just expected to resume duties as normal in the house. DH did absolutely nothing housework-wise, not even unload the dishwasher, and did nothing to either help care for newborn DS or help with our older child. It was all left to me. If I asked him to do anything he just ignored me.

When friends have babies and their DH's do absolutely everything for a week or two so they can just focus on recovering and on their baby it makes me feel so envious.

emeline Fri 26-Dec-14 15:02:08

Mine was argumentative, irrelevant, pushy, demanding, and chuffed to fuck with himself. It's how I got to see more of who he really is.


slightlyconfused85 Fri 26-Dec-14 15:04:46

Brilliant with dD1. Dc2 is cooking still... I was very surprised because DP had been very nervous almost to the point of not wanting DD. As soon as she was here he was endlessly patient, rocked and bounced her all evening,, helped bottle feed and did as much housework as necessary. I like cooking so I continued this task while he minded dd. He had no end of patience with her crying and was emphatically superior to myself with a newborn! Poor you op, seeing as 2 years has passed You sound like you're finding this hard to forgive. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Is there more he could do now?

Twinklebells Fri 26-Dec-14 15:06:12

My ex was so bloody awful he ruined the early weeks and months - I ended up with horrific PND, his behaviour certainly attributed to that.

Sorry yours is being so awful - and congratulations on the birth of your DS. If he refuses to help and is ignoring you then he really needs to either change pronto or leave. Is there anyone else around who could support you?

Meirasa Fri 26-Dec-14 17:08:33

Amazing, when we were dating he took care of me when I had the flu. I decided then I'd like to marry the fella and have never regretted it even though there are moments when he's been less then perfect. I felt and still do that someone who could care for me when they got nothing out of it but possible flu was an all round good caring guy- we'd only been together for 3 weeks I think at that stage. I wanted a partner who would care for me and who would let me mind him. I have no regrets as I have had the roughest pregnancy in the world and he has been unbelievably supportive, and its made me love him more.

He's not perfect though, people aren't and I'm not!!! Does your DH have qualities in other areas that make up for him lacking in this area?

Mammanat222 Fri 26-Dec-14 17:23:13

Mine was absolutely (and very surprisingly) amazing!

He wasn't all that involved in the pregnancy - he said and did the right things but I don't think he felt any kind of real connection until baby was actually here.

From the moment baby was born OH was very involved and very confident. Again it surprised me as other than a quick cuddle with his niece / nephew he's had naff all to do with babies.

He would have baby every evening for a few hours so I could get some decent kip (OH worked, I was expressing) and he never shirked from getting his hands dirty.

OH is self employed and has had periods of being a SAHD so he is still now very hands on with our boy.

DD due next month and I expect more of the same but the main thing I want from him is to make sure DS is OK / not feeling neglected or left out etc..

AcrossthePond55 Fri 26-Dec-14 17:34:12

Mine was about a 7 on the 1 - 10 scale (10 = 'do it all Daddy'), but he did have his limits. Usually when our sons didn't 'soothe' or go to sleep fast enough. But it was more that he felt he 'wasn't do it right' than impatience. He also did nappy duty and bathing. Mostly what he did was 'stay out of my way' or 'find something else to do'. grin He did more housework or cooking, leaving me free to focus on the baby.

But mostly I remember how lovely he was to me. Saying how much he loved me and how grateful he was for the 'gift' I'd given him.

cookiemonster100 Fri 26-Dec-14 20:45:35

DH was ok, he looked after me great but lacked confidence with bubba. I had emergency c section so only really fed baby whilst hubby cooked for us.tbh he didn't do much else, no cleaning / shopping etc.
However I had a huge resentment for him as he told all & sundry how much he did & everyone ooh & aah over him. He also slept loads more which irritated me more. 2 years on I am still resentful about it but can't quite lay my finger on it what it is.
Have you talked to your hubby about it? Has something triggered you to look back?

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse Fri 26-Dec-14 20:53:44

Mine was great but that's neither here nor there.

He was horrible to you wasn't he. And he won't admit that he did anything wrong.

If I were in your boat and DH had behaved what way I would be taking it very seriously indeed. Because, I mean, I'd be thinking, well he doesn't even like me, does he. He doesn't care about me in the slightest.

So when you raise it what does he say. Just, I didn't do anything wrong there's nothing to talk about?

GingerCuddleMonster Fri 26-Dec-14 21:30:38

he was amazing, baby is bottle fed and we did night shifts on and off, alternating each night. He loves DS so much, a butt too much, if he is home I don't get any baby snuggles dad has him constantly!! DP helped with my recovery would help me in and out of warm baths, help me move around.

I would be really upset if he did nothing and would probably question our relationship in all honesty.

AliceInHinterland Fri 26-Dec-14 21:52:51

Does he think that it's a woman's role to do all childcare and housework? His behaviour sounds unreasonable under the most normal of circumstances. Was he at the birth, did he understand (!) what you had been through? Has he tried to see your point of view or is he straight on the defensive? Some of our partners will have done more or less than others, but literally nothing is extremely disrespectful - was he just sitting around watching? Mine would help out with anything I asked, but we were both exhausted so it was bare minimum stuff like cooking, dishwasher, nothing like 'proper' cleaning, but enough to avoid me having to do anything but feed the baby for the first two weeks.

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