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AIBU about FIL and is this a stupid solutions(25 Posts)
Basically as a pre warning I'm in my 3rd trimester with first dc so I am a hormonal mess.
Since we bought our house together 4 years ago DH and I have always spent Christmas together at my parents for dinner and then driven the 160+ miles to his parents on boxing day.
I've always felt uncomfortable around his parents and it's been a strained relationship. DH is the baby of the family and his parents babied him which was never a problem as we lived 70 miles away in the town where we met and as they wouldnt come to visit i rarely saw them.I don't actually think his parents thought the relationship would last with his mum even admitting that she wasn't keen on me because I was quiet and spend the whole weekend crying when she came to visit us in the house we bought.
Anyway 5 years ago we moved further away to my home city and DH came with me, we bought our house and got engaged and Christmas has been as described since then. Ive done it so Dh would see his family although I usually dread every minute I'm there due to his dad. He's not a horrible person he's just very awkward and is a my way or the high way type man which all of his family bow down to not to mention incredibly racist and homophobic.
Unfortunately his mother passed almost 3 years ago and since then his dad has gotten progressively worse to the point I find it extremely stressful to be around him.
Last boxing day was just so awful I told DH I was leaving a day early and getting a train home myself, DH to keep peace told his dad he had been called to work and we had to leave early and came with me.
Now I should point out that in the 5 years we have lived here has dad has visited twice. Once when we bought the house and again for our wedding.
I've had a very difficult pregnancy and find myself in a great deal of pain daily so DH managed to grow a pair and convinced has dad to come to us for Christmas. He's been here since the 23rd and I've gotten more upset, stressed and teary as the thr days have gone on culminating in me crying most of yesterday and today as all I've done is run around after him and DH and put up with racist comments. I feel like a stranger in my own home.
Fil isn't due to leave until Sunday with DH doing the 6 hour round drive to take him home.
I've spent all of today in the baby nursery crying I don't know how I'm going to spend another few hours with fil never mind days. I'm ready for blowing and DH won't say anything for fear of upsetting his elderly father.
I can't do this next year myself never mind with a baby. I don't want fil here and I don't want to go visit him on boxing day. I know Dh will be upset by this as he feels responsible for fil and won't want him to spend the holidays alone. Add to the fact DH two siblings who live far away also will throw in guilt trips.
So I'm thinking of telling Dh that for the sake of our marriage thr best thing to do would go back to how things were before we bought the house in that he spend the festive period with his family and I spend it with mine.
Am I being crazy to think of suggesting this?
Can't your dh contact his siblings very soon and say that he and you will be doing Christmases on your own once the baby arrives so they need to visit?
Don't they come over at all? (Assume they are abroad).
As for now, go to bed with movies or a book and get your dh to make your excuses and bring tea at regular intervals.
Slightly confused by post. Could you explain why you would 'spend the whole weekend crying' when your pil visited you ? and 'most of yesterday crying' ? Sounds awful but what did they/he do to cause such upset.
Sil was meant to be coming this Christmas but when she found out about the baby she decided that the flight money would be used on flights to come over when DC is here.
Bil usually goes on boxing day too however last year he didn't want his dad to be alone and so spent Christmas with his dad and his wife and teenage kids came the day after boxing day.
Unfortunately I don't think us saying we won't be going isn't going to go down well with DH siblings and i honestly dont think DH has it in him to tell him he wont be going. He feels obligated through duty and guilt.
There's a massive age gap between them so whereas our family is just starting their children are almost grown up with the youngest being 18 next year so in my eyes they are in a different situation from us. They don't agree though.
Kitten I meant that Dh mum spent the weekend crying when she came to visit us when we bought her house. I think she felt I was taking her son away and the relationship was serious as we had now bought a house together.
His dad is just a nightmare. I've had to run around after him cooking and making tea. He's forgotten how to use a kettle. He's been overtly racist and homophobic since he arrived and pretty dismissive of me as though I'm getting in the way of him spending time with his son. He cooked breakfast yesterday for them both. I wasn't included.
He sat back and watched me run around preparing and cooking Christmas dinner without so much as offering a hand even when I had to go be sick or take strong pain killers because my back had gone. Admittedly DH was at fault here too and I played war with him over it.
Fil did nothing but complain about the food and then was abrupt and rude with my parents. So much so they left early. He then proceed to have digs about them until I eventually had enough and went to bed.
OP, is he racist towards you? I'm struggling to think how he can be just making racist comments all the time. I'm not disbelieving you, btw - he sounds absolutely horrible.
I don't understand why you are going everywhere with your DH instead of sending him to see FIL on his own. Doing all the cooking like a martyr is really a problem between you and your DH.
Envy time he makes a racist comment, call him out on it, when he's rude, tell him he's rude, stop running around after him, if he makes food for dh and himself, get a plate out and take some off their plate, or take your dhs plate. Stop allowing him to treat you this way and stop allowing your dh to let him treat you this way, just cos he's old, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.
He sounds like he is quite blunt and rude so you can perhaps be similarly straight forward with him. Stop running around after him. Go out sometimes. Go and lie down or watch to in another room. Announce that you are off for a lie down with your book and leave them to it. Your dh needs to do the entertaining and fetching the cups of tea. Try not to get so worked up about him it is only a few days.
FIL cooked breakfast for everyone but you? In your own house? Are you kidding?
Did he think you were asleep or something?
Your husband sounds like more of a problem. Why isn't he making tea or Christmas dinner? Fil sounds like an idiot too, but I think your issues start with your husband.
"Add to the fact DH two siblings who live far away also will throw in guilt trips."
Well, either they should visit their father, or they should invite their father to join them. They don't get to abdicate all responsibility and pass it to your husband.
Personally, I woldn't have run around after him, or at least no more than I would for any guest. And if you were sick and in pain - your husband should have taken over. He is the one at fault there.
Have you and DH talked about this at all? How you feel about his father and his father's behaviour?
Stop being a doormat and stop running around after everyone. You do not need to make tea or cook.
Let your husband do it.
OP I get that your heavily pregnant but I don't understand the tears and martyr behaviour. Your problem is with DH not FIL.
It's your DH! How could he sit down to eat and not invite you? Spineless little sap.
And why the hell cook and slave for the two of them? Assholes.
There us a reason why the siblings don't have FIL around and that is because he is a racist bigot and their spouses provably will not put up with it.
Nor should you. When he is in your home call him out each time.
Another problem us your DH whose behaviour is just as bad. The cheek of him to let his father make breakfast for two! That is highly disrespectful to you.
He needs to put his pregnant wife before his cantankerous and unpleasant parent.
To be honest I think you need to grow a backbone and call him out on the things he says and does.
When he says something racist or homophobic I would say "excuse me I find that very racist/homophobic and I'd rather you didn't speak that way in my house".
When he cooks for himself and DH I would say "there's not much there for three, oh well we'll all have to have a smaller portion".
If he's rude to you I would tell him he's a guest in your house and you'd appreciate it if he would treat you with a bit of respect.
Idiots like him are enabled by the silence of the rest of the family. Just don't be a silent enabler.
Rather than crying to yourself in a bedroom, take some power back and establish some ground rules for being a welcome guest in your house.
Put your foot down. Tell your DH that he must either speak up to his father when he's at yours or in future DH can visit him on his own. That you will no longer tolerate being treated like the hired help or disrespected in your own home. You certainly don't want your child hearing FiL's diatribes when he/she is old enough to understand what he's saying.
I agree with PP who said that FiL's company should be spread amongst his children. If it turns out that they will not be around him because of his views and behaviour, that's should speak volumes to your DH!
Sorry you've had such a crappy christmas & appreciate you're suffering with pregnancy symptoms, but, I just can't imagine a situation where you would allow someone to be so rude to you in your own home
Kick DH into touch & get him to speak to fil and everytime he does or says something rude, tell him not to!!!
Your problem is your DH not your FIL.
I wouldn't expect a guest in my house to do anything unless specifically requested. I would expect a spouse to do half of everything though!
I agree you do not have a FIL problem you have a DH problem.
Why are you running around after anyone when you are pregnant and in pain? They should all be runnign around after you. Nobody likes a martyr.
If DH has so little respect for you that he allows you to be treated like this in yoru own home then yes, I would say FIL is no longer welcome.
I bet DH won't want to spend Christmas without you though, he won't want to put up with FIL alone. Tell him he can go up there on his own if he wants.
The issue is your husband.
He is a lazy spineless, selfish man.
He is watching you run around after his father and he is doing nothing. He should be the one running around after him.
He watched his father cook two breakfasts, he scoffed down his and effectively said up yours, do your own.
His father is a bully and a pig and your husband says nothing?
You stand for this treatment.
Take a moment to look deeply.
Unless you put your foot down, that will be your long term goal.
You stop running around after them. Your husband can do everything. He wants to old racist man there he can deal with him. He can also make you cups of tea, food, massages and anything else.
The put downs, the comments, you say something. Tell the husband he is either behind you or on Sunday he can stay and live with the man who is respects so much.
I agree with others. Stop sitting around crying, woman up and call him on it every single time he is racist, homophobic or rude. Tell him this is your house and you won't have it. Yes, it will probably lead to a lot of shouting and sulking, but is that any worse than what you're putting up with now?
So why don't you scrub the doormat sign off your forehead and give them both a good bollocking. Assert yourself, no one is going to do it for you so hurry up and do it. You will feel nothing but satisfied for putting them down a peg.
How dare your fil treat you like shit but how awful that your dh is too, that would just kill me. Stand up to them and show them you will not be a meek little woman only good for making tea and dinner.
Bloody pigs, the pair of them.
I'm guessing that you don't feel comfortable with confrontation OP, which is why you've let this man be rude to yourself and your own parents in your own home. Think about what the worst could be if you stood up to him and told him to be polite and respectful in your house or leave? He will be rude and angry and shout at you no doubt, maybe he'll (hopefully) storm of in a huff and swear that he'll never set foot in your house again. It would certainly be distressing for you at the time to have it out but I think it would be a positive move on your part. I sense your distress but where is your anger? I would be furious if my FIL was rude to my parents, let alone myself. As for DH, he needs to stop playing along in this unhealthy family dynamic that he's raised in.
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