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The day after Christmas as a separated family

(17 Posts)
wifeontherun Fri 26-Dec-14 12:02:56

Just checking if its allowed to stay in bed having a cry on the day after the most heartbreaking but surprisingly fine first christmas as a separated family. The grownups behaved themselves the children seemed happy and I came home to my empty flat and today stretched out with no plans. A pity party for 1. Jeepers I sound pathetic. I know the decision to split (apparently all mine) is the right one but holly shit on a rock it feels harder than ever today. Oh and I have a horrible cold. Right sad rant (sant?) over. Anyone else negotiated a new 'first' christmas?

avrilinca Fri 26-Dec-14 12:52:18

It was my fourth so I'm not strictly who you are appealing to but it was lovely, and sad. It was probably weirder for his family who wouldn't be able to see why we're not 'together'. We get on very well, I think it's true that there's no residual bad feeling even after a horrible, apparently unilateral breakup (me). It got me thinking that maybe 'together' isn't such a black and white notion - we don't sleep together, we don't live together but we love each other very much and make all decisions regarding the kids together. He has a girlfriend who is lovely and I am looking forward to getting to know better - the kids love her and she got them wonderful, thoughtful presents. It's sad but best for us - we had between us too many jarring learned behaviours that we couldn't escape in the traditional institution of marriage, so this way is better for everyone. I can't say it's not confusing, though, when all the best things about each other are now allowed to shine through! As long as the kids aren't confused and it wasn't too weird having me shacked up at Daddy's for two nights then I feel excited and proud about how we've managed things and what a constructive base we've now built for their futures. I hope that's an encouraging post - it's bittersweet but feels safe and so much less of a knife-edge than when we were trying to cling to a path that didn't suit us as a pair at all. Have a cup of tea or coffee, get nice and warm and set yourself up on the sofa watching something distracting. Enjoy the peace and the order of having no kids around, get an early night and wake up excited about forging ahead in your new future. X

wifeontherun Fri 26-Dec-14 13:29:42

Thanks avrilnca. Just. So. Sad. Trying to reconcile the decent, nice, vulnerable man yesterday with the seething, difficult half crazy person I have been dealing with to differing degrees for the past however long is impossible to do. I get that we can't live like we were, it couldn't carry on and we need to negotiate this new way. Your post is the best possible outcome for us in a few years and is what I desperately want. Haven't made it out of bed yet, but any minute now. Why if we can be so nice to we spend so much of our time behaving like dicks? By we I clearly mean he. x

Ohbollocksandballs Fri 26-Dec-14 13:35:46

This is my first too. There was a few tears after DS went to bed yesterday. He is with ex today. I feel a bit shit, but trying to keep busy.

avrilinca Fri 26-Dec-14 13:41:12

Over time you will with any luck notice that the dickishness settles at the perfect level - not too much to impact hugely on your life (school uniform aside) but enough to make sure you always keep in mind why you broke up! People are strange, that's for sure. It's amazing that you managed to do Christmas all together and make it lovely for your children and you should give yourself a massive pat on the back. It is bloody sad but it's less sad than clinging on to something nobody wants for fear of the unknown/judgement/independence and breaking it so irretrievably that you can no longer co-parent. IMHO. (ps I fucking love independence) Our first Christmas was about three weeks after he moved out and they have got easier and easier ever since. Do you have any friends who can come over tonight?

avrilinca Fri 26-Dec-14 13:41:22

Over time you will with any luck notice that the dickishness settles at the perfect level - not too much to impact hugely on your life (school uniform aside) but enough to make sure you always keep in mind why you broke up! People are strange, that's for sure. It's amazing that you managed to do Christmas all together and make it lovely for your children and you should give yourself a massive pat on the back. It is bloody sad but it's less sad than clinging on to something nobody wants for fear of the unknown/judgement/independence and breaking it so irretrievably that you can no longer co-parent. IMHO. (ps I fucking love independence) Our first Christmas was about three weeks after he moved out and they have got easier and easier ever since. Do you have any friends who can come over tonight?

Lloydcolestilldoesitforme Fri 26-Dec-14 13:54:19

My comments are similar to those of avrilinca. It sounds as if we are at similiar points in the journey. It is my fifth Xmas since we split and yesterday was the first one I have genuinely enjoyed for the first time in a long time. It does get better, what I realise now is there is an actual grieving process to go through. If not for the marriage then for your hopes for how your marriage was meant to work. I spent yesterday with my ex and his lovely wife, our children and their baby. Didn't feel weird at all, it's actually nice to see my ex happy. I feel we were meant to be family but not as husband and wife. Prior to yesterday though i have definitely had my dark Christmases (Xmas of 2011 will go down in history). I think you have to be kind to yourself and apply that favourite mantra - it will get better and not all years will feel like this. Choose your company carefully. Sharing your kids at any time of year and especially holidays is sad (makes me feel homesick sometimes) and people who are not in this situation often don't get it. For every happy family picture you will see there will others feeling as we do. You are not alone in feeling like this. Well done you for yesterday , do what feels right today and sending best wishes.

wifeontherun Fri 26-Dec-14 14:16:49

OBB well done for getting though your first new christmas reality and kudos on keeping busy. Im still in bed although I did get up to make myself a bacon sandwich its important to eat apparently.
Thanks Lloyd, your Christmas sounds surreal and I hope there was someone handing out medals to all of you. I know, time is what is needed here. And it is SUCH a loss, a lot of it in my mind but also just a really sad loss. It is as you say, a mourning of hopes and how I wished my life to be.
Thanks Avril as well, all that fear kept me hoping and clinging on for the longest time and no matter how shit and scary this is it is not as bad as last Christmas for example. I do look forward to saying farefuckingwell to the monster that was 2014 and welcoming a whole lot of new exciting things in 2015, where I am in charge and yes the independence will be so liberating. I don't think I want anyone else, virtual comforting strangers are better than real life pity at this stage I think. Big pats on the back all round. xx

TrixieD Fri 26-Dec-14 14:27:57

I spent Christmas morning with the children which was hard work and pretty difficult as my children are acting out a lot due to the break-up but I'm not ashamed to say the afternoon I had to myself was bliss. I know I'm in the miniority here.

quirkycutekitch Fri 26-Dec-14 14:36:30

Our 1st split Christmas too - I was surprised I wasn't more upset. But had a brilliant morning with my DS & then a nice quiet afternoon spending too much money online shopping it all gets easier with time!

wifeontherun Fri 26-Dec-14 14:51:03

No, I know the quiet is nice. Sadly no money for actual shopping but I have £100s in baskets at various internet shopping institutions. It could be worse!

Brandnewstart Fri 26-Dec-14 14:57:02

My first as a separated family. It's hard. He came round for 2 hours yesterday and has taken them today. Thank God my mum and dad are here, although I am rubbish company for them...

Get them back tonight until the 29th then I am going for a couple of days. It's only been a month so still in shock really but at least the kids enjoyed it as much as they could.

Dwerf Fri 26-Dec-14 15:02:58

You're not alone Trixie, yesterday I had my kids here and dd1's dp and their two kids. My girls were agumentative, the grandkids were whingey. Today the house is quiet and peaceful. i've got dr who to watch and a book to read, I've got grown up food and alcohol and no work tomorrow. I love my kids but these days I have without them, I do cherish my time. A little time to be the person I was before kids, a bit of practice for the person i'm going to be when they are grown. These days alone get easier, and occasionally, they get to be awesome.

Yikesivedoneitagain Fri 26-Dec-14 15:03:29

My first one too. I want to feel happy and free, but am back in bed, with my baby, who is 5 months and too young to go to daddy's with his siblings yesterday. Thank god for my baby. I think I'd probably get pissed alone if he weren't here. Finding it hard. Nice to know I'm not alone although sorry you're finding it tough.

I'm going to get out of bed now. Thanks for the inspiration those who have been through it X

wifeontherun Fri 26-Dec-14 15:37:14

Brandnewstart, good name, and that is what it is. Its hard but its also done, first christmas survived. I really do use all these difficult things that i successfully do as ammunition to do the next thing. Like taking a stone from behind me to put intron of me so that I can carry on crossing this river. I'm getting out of bed now too. 1, 2, 3...

Brandnewstart Fri 26-Dec-14 18:31:28

wifeontherun thank you. You're right, every step is a step forward with a little more armour!!

arlagirl Fri 26-Dec-14 19:23:51

Our children found out yesterday we are divorcing.
Tough day.

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