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This is what happened, for my own clarity

(34 Posts)
stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:16:17

My partner and I just can't stop arguing. He always twists everything to make it my fault. But sometimes it is actually my fault. Like last night.

We sat down to a drink and a meal and at some point he started going on about his sexual conquests from his colourful past. He seems to think he's with one of the lads and forgets he is with me. This is a middle aged man, not a twenty year old.

I am open minded and don't care what he did in the past, but don't want to be reminded of his sexual exploits. But he pressed on regardless. So we ended up arguing - most likely instigated by me - and come bedtime ended up in separate beds.

Today we made up, told each other we loved each other and it's been great all day. We were supposed to go to my sister's for Christmas but I had flu so stayed home and it's just been me and him.

He's looked after me and it's been really nice. He made a huge effort to get everything and prepare the Christmas dinner and it was a lovely day/evening. Until he started to get drunk.

Because I've been ill I've been sober every night he's been here, and tonight I noticed that he got aggressive after a few drinks - not physically but in terms of his attitude and the things he says.

I did not rise to it and overlooked it. Finally, about half an hour ago or so, we decided to go to bed and he fell asleep and started snoring.

Perhaps I should have quietly got out of bed and gone to the lounge to sleep on the sofabed without waking him, but I said softly "Darling, you're snoring". At which point he got out of bed and stalked off to the other room saying "I will sleep in the f****ing spare bed then".

So I got out of bed and said "No, I will sleep in it, you go back to bed."

He refused. So i then said, "Well let me make up the bed for you." and he said something like "I will sleep in the sofabed, just like I do every f**ing night.

I had my young niece and nephew staying over last weekend, then on Sunday came down with the flu, so he has ended up sleeping in the sofabed some four or five nights.

I am stubborn and argumentative too, so I said, "No, I will sleep in it. Go and sleep in my bed." and he walked off back to the bedroom muttering and swearing.

I have just had enough and something snapped in me. A month ago I ended it and was determined that was it, but he begged and cried and pleaded with me, saying he loved me, and wanted another chance. So after two weeks of being bombarded with calls, angry texts, tearful voicemails, emails and even Skype calls, I gave in and said I would give him another chance.

I do love him. But when he turns nasty I feel as though I hate his guts.

When he lost his temper tonight I just saw red. I took the cheque he wrote me as my birthday present (£300) and said "I've had enough. And you can stick your cheque up your f**ing arse" and ripped it up in front of him.

I realise that sounds abusive and nutty. I feel nutty. In fact, I am nuts.

I am typing this as I sit in the sofabed and he sleeps like a baby in my bed. Tomorrow he will be tearful and full of remorse. But I am so tired of his nasty temper, of the rows and of always being painted as mental/ a villain/ the cause of all our ills/ unstable etc.

I am not asking for advice. I just needed to get this out.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:21:03

Sorry, I meant that the cheque was my Christmas, not birthday, present.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:22:45

You are not nuts. Just maybe the end of the road for you. Flogging a dead horse?

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:27:15

Thanks for replying SoleSource. Yes, perhaps you are right.

After the row last night, he sat on my bed this morning and I asked him if he wanted to split up. He said "I don't know".

I suggested we take a break and he said, "What's the point?"

Then tonight he was telling me repeatedly that he loved me. Maybe this is just the way things end, with lots of confusion all round.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:34:10

In my experience of relationships they have always ended confusing and messy as in back and forth emotionally. If I was you I would dump him. Do you have children together?

It is emotionally hurtful, confusing and people can be full of doubts.

The best thing I did with that last guy was dump. I made the decision for him, his I don't know reply is messing you about.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:34:54

Do you love him?

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:36:43

Hi Sole. Yes, I love him. But I can live without him.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:37:46

Sorry, forgot to add, no we don't have kids together and don't live together.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:38:05

Make the decision for him!

Star thanks

Do you have financial ties together?

AdoraBell Fri 26-Dec-14 02:39:29

Don't ask if he wants to split up. He doesn't have the right to decide for you.

You have already ended it and given him another chance. He has continued as normal, for him, because that is who he is.

Do you want to continue in this cycle or would you prefer to be happy?

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:39:52

Bag his stuff, tell him it is over.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:44:46

AdoraBell, I am so tired of fighting. As for being single, will it make me happy? I don't know. I do know that it will bring me peace.

I've threatened to end it so many times and you are right - he just carries on the same way.

He has treated me like a queen, and is really protective towards me, and I really thought this time it was different, but he has a drink problem and is very bitter about women.

He suggested that we go to counselling in the new year, which I was prepared to do. But just feel now as if I hate him

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:46:40

Sole Source, we have no ties of any description together, marital or financial. It should be a clean break in that respect.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:49:22

Being scared is not a reason to sta. Breaking ties is scary but you need to. See a therapist to get you through when you have ended the relationship.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:53:36

Hi Sole, I am not afraid of ending it at all. I am afraid to stay in a dead end, going nowhere relationship.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 02:55:34

Then set yourself free. New
Year, new life to create.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:59:56

Yes, thanks - that's an inspiring thought.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 03:08:13

He is trying to hurt you and bring you down by talking about his past sex life. Trying to feel better because you ended it and his ego is dented. He is also passive aggressive and rude regards to the sofa bed remark. He seems unable to cope without you and is a bad communicator. Stuff him! Get rid.

When did you last see him have contact with him?

Do you have plans together soon?

Meerka Fri 26-Dec-14 08:38:41

but he has a drink problem and is very bitter about women

Im afraid he needs to sort himself out before he can be a good partner in any relationship. It sounds like he is mostly a nice man basically but sadly, until he can sort these two things out he's just too much trouble overall

It's no way to live, all these arguments.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 08:41:26

Hi solesource, he is here in my flat now sleeping in my bed, and I am on the sofa bed. We have plans for new year's eve. He's booked a restaurant for us.

He's recently reestablished contact with an old mate from years ago and has been talking about going on a lads' holiday with him to the US, where they both used to work.

To which I have said nothing. But if I had mentioned going on holiday without him there would be hell to pay.

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 08:47:47

Hi meerka, he has been tremendously kind and generous towards me, and last night I saw how he changed after a few drinks.

We both drink too much but I have been cutting back. He has said he would give up drinking for a month in January and I am totally on for that. Before I started dating him I had cut my drinking down to a minimal level where I didn't drink much at all.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 26-Dec-14 09:21:02

He presses your buttons and then blames you when you react.

What is there to like with this merry-go-round?

ftmsoon Fri 26-Dec-14 09:24:18

You have no ties to him and he doesn't make you happy. How can you consider staying together when 'there would be hell to pay' over anything, if you don't have to?

Timetoask Fri 26-Dec-14 09:30:18

Sounds like the problem is alcohol, which is easily fixable? (Unless he's an addict)

stargirl04 Fri 26-Dec-14 10:32:57

I think the alcohol is a big issue also. I told him that in the new year, when we do this "month off the booze" thing, I was seriously thinking about continuing that indefinitely.

He looked away when I said this and changed the subject. He doesn't want to stop drinking. His month off the booze idea is to convince and reassure himself that he doesn't have a problem.

Just to be clear, it is not awful all the time - when it's good I am happy. He is always there for me, always puts me first, does everything for me and goes out of his way for me. It isn't black and white.

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