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to think there is never an excuse for violence no matter how much somebody is "provoked"

(73 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

PuddinClub Thu 25-Dec-14 23:02:01

Without going into full detail I am having a very bad time with my father in law and how he speaks to my DS2. It´s hard to explain like this but every time we visit (usually once a month) there are comments about my son´s lack of ability at school, how he doesn´t speak clearly enough, how he acts like a baby, how he doesn´t eat enough amongst others. DS2 is 5 by the way. FIL has an obvious preference for DS1 and makes this very clear when we visit.

I realise this might not sound like such a big deal, but it is every single time we go there and the older DS2 gets the more it will start to affect him.

Such constant negative comments over the years have become too much for me to take and I have had countless arguments with DH who refuses to challenge his father as he will "take it badly". In fact all of DH´s family have this attitide, they creep around him, say best leave it be, don´t create bad feeling etc. Well, I have had a gut full and last visit you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

Anyway, today I was about 20mins from wanting to serve lunch. DH has just bought a webcam and was testing it out with his father supposedly so that the children could chat to him on Christmas day. I politely asked DH to leave it as I wanted to set the table and serve dinner. He was sitting at the dining table. DH took no notice and carried on with his "chat".

At this point I admit I saw red and said in a loud voice that I couldn´t understand all the sudden fuss in order to speak to "nasty man" and that the children weren´t even bothered as they were too busy playing with their toys.

At this point DH blew up and hit me twice on the arm and pushed me into the door.

Please don´t think I am being weak when I say he is not an agressive man, he absolutely isn´t but his reaction today has left me devastated. I don´t see how there can be any going back from this.

He came to apologise about 5 minutes later saying it was hurtful for him, as it´s his Dad and the Childrens´ grandfather. He was genuinely sorry.

Today has been awful and I am sitting here crying now. I feel so alone and I don´t know what to do. I don´t even live in the UK and have nobody to talk to.

TooHasty Thu 25-Dec-14 23:08:52

What you said in his father's hearing was unbelievably rude and nasty. I can well understand your DH being furious with you, but no he absolutely should not have hit you

Galvanized Thu 25-Dec-14 23:15:40

If he hit you once he will do it again. Leave.

ilikebaking Thu 25-Dec-14 23:18:21

Christ, you snapped, and he hit you.
Who was being unreasonable HERE? The person who lashed out verbally or the one who lashed out physically?
I hunk you know the answer.
Once would be enough for me. Unacceptable. I would be asking him to leave.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 25-Dec-14 23:27:51

Your FIL is being nasty to your ds, this is going to create issues if not now, perhapse later on. Your DH is refusing to defend his ds, and takes the side of a nasty toxic adult. Not surprised you snapped, he hit you! I can see where his family comes in the pecking order. He obviously values his father and his feelings above tgat of his ds and wife. I would have a serious talk to him, if he refuses to acknowledge anything wrong, think about a future without this man. H is enabling nasty bellying behaviour towards your ds and you.

SaucyMare Thu 25-Dec-14 23:28:26

Violence is never acceptable. But neither is saying that in front of the kids.

I am of the camp that if adult children wont stand up to their parents, it is the other partner's job to stand up to them, in cases like this. (when they are not around)

And heck if he gets nasty you can just avoid them.

BigChocFrenzy Thu 25-Dec-14 23:29:13

There is NO justification for hitting you.
Are you in a country where domestic violence would be taken seriously by the police ? If so, phone them now.
If not, do you have transport / money / passport to take the DCs and leave ?

WellnowImFucked Thu 25-Dec-14 23:29:16

Never ever ever ever.

He HIT you not once twice. In serious extreme other universe once is explainable (never fotgetable) twice is abuse.

He HIT you for something you said

If you feel able please call the police. I get that today of all days you will want to brush it off. But that's hoe it starts.

Please look after you

SaucyMare Thu 25-Dec-14 23:30:44

And if standing upto his dad, kills your marriage it deserved to die.

But i dont go for the one strike rule, if he shows real remorse he might mean it. If it happens twice that is it OUT.

BigChocFrenzy Thu 25-Dec-14 23:32:10

Hitting you, especially in front of the DCs, is several orders of magnitude worse than being rude to FIL in front of them

Aeroflotgirl Thu 25-Dec-14 23:32:27

He could turn more aggressive if you refuse the children to see their grandfather. You have to protect yourself and your dcs.

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 23:40:27

He is an aggressive man, because he has just assaulted you. What you meant was that he hadn't been aggressive so far.
He hasn't apologised for assaulting you. He blamed you for the assault. Bad news.
This was virtually in front of the children, if not actually in front (it's not clear in the OP), but again, more bad news.

You are right in not knowing how you can go back from this. Any assault is virtually always the first assault. And his reaction to it, again, is bad news. If he was genuinely sorry, he wouldn't have found an excuse.

You will be walking on eggshells from now on. What if something you say will "trigger" the next assault?
If you let this one pass, you will also let the others.

So, what do you do?
You know what you must do.
Are you prepared to do it?
How to go about doing it?

Do you have bruises? What is the local law like on domestic violence?
Are there support agencies? (google them)
Would he be prepared to leave the house for your and the children's safety?

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Dec-14 23:41:46

YANBU at all. It's very worrying that your husband sides with his abusive father after you, and has now been violent towards you. He may have learned unhealthy behaviours from his father, which might explain it but certainly doesn't excuse it.
How is your marriage apart from this? If it's otherwise good, I suggest a temporary separation and couples' therapy (although it sounds to me as if he could do with individual counselling). But if there are other issues, or if he refuses to do therapy with you, I think you have no choice but to leave him (or ask him to leave). For the sake of the safety, well-being and happiness of you and your children.

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 23:44:02

Also, you may want to ask to get this moved to Relationships.

PuddinClub Thu 25-Dec-14 23:48:59

Thanks for all the comments.

I know it makes no difference whatsover to what happened but I wanted to point out that what I said and what he did was NOT infront of the children. They were in their bedroom at the time playing with their Christmas presents.

I thought our marriage was good but having said that the problems with his father have been having a very negative effect even though we only go there once a month or so.

I know deep down what I have to do just wanted some other perspectives. It´s not easy though, I have no support here and I have no family of my own in England.

PuddinClub Thu 25-Dec-14 23:49:45

Good idea Lweji, thanks. I don´t know how to though

Tinkerball Thu 25-Dec-14 23:51:52

Has he ever hit you before? There is never an excuse for domestic abyss if any description, and that includes emotional abuse to. Of course he's sorry - until it happens again.

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 23:52:50

I reported the thread, and you can too and ask to get it moved. It may take a while.
Or you could copy your OP and start a new one in Relationships.

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 25-Dec-14 23:53:44

Just hit the report button on your post Puddin & it will give you a message box to MNHQ so you can ask them.

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 25-Dec-14 23:55:17

Sorry x-post!

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 23:57:32

Can you hint at where you are (continent, for example)?

It is rare that the first hits are in public, but the children were awake and in the house. They could easily witness it. And the next may well be in front of them and may put them in danger.

But, more importantly, the whole different dynamic between you two will affect the children.
He felt he was entitled to hit you and hurt you, to put you in your place. That shows how he regards you in the relationship. sad
He later realised what he did and what he might lose. Hence the apology, while still blaming you.

MidniteScribbler Fri 26-Dec-14 00:05:35

Well, I do think you were out of line. If he had been talking to someone you liked, would you have been so insistent about the table being set that very instant? Would you have said such things about the person he was talking to? That said, there is absolutely no justification for his behaviour and it needs to be addressed.

qazxc Fri 26-Dec-14 00:11:04

No there's no excuse or justification for violence.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Fri 26-Dec-14 00:11:19

I don't care how much you were out of line, your FIL is completely out of line to be constantly carping at your son, his DS is completely out of line not to stand up to him and then to be hitting you.

Your out of line-ness pales into insignificance before their's, please remember that when anyone tries to pretend that it matters as much or nearly as much.

2 issues:

1. He hit you.

2. His father is a bully whom he is still too afraid to stand up to. To the extent that he will allow the emotional abuse of his son by this fucking horrible man and attack his wife when she points out that the man is horrible. I suspect that his sudden violence came from guilt about his failure to step up to the plate with regards to his son and his shame that his wife has expressed the resentment and anger that is the right response to having your child treated so horribly by someone who ought to treat him with love.

You have 2 major problems there. Please don't focus on your rudeness, it really isn't the issue here.

TheNoodlesIncident Fri 26-Dec-14 00:13:07

Why does your DH think his father's comments about his DS2 are forgiveable but your remark about his dad is not?

I wouldn't put up with negative remarks about one of my dc, especially not to the child's face. He's only five fgs. Not that it would matter if he was older.

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