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Domestic Abuse - My Poem I have just written

(53 Posts)
Happyandsimple Thu 25-Dec-14 22:55:06

I have been married for 3 years. And have never been able to put the words down about my situation, feeling very ashamed and confused. I spoke to womans aid the other day and everything seemed clearer.

Today I read a thread " dear husband" It was emotional reading, and i realized, I needed to write something down. because I have been silent for so long, I have become unable to put down in words how I feel.
I am not a poet, but this is how I feel in words. And if anyone has ever felt like this, or is feeling like this. Your so strong. The reason its called my face is fine but my mind is injured, is because for months I have been doing tick sheets online to find out if I am with someone abusive, I began to feel like what I was going through was a non issue, because I am not suffering physical violence like some of these people are, I suddenly became more hidden, because I felt I was making a fool out of myself to ever share what is going on. On speaking to you guys on here who suggested I try to call womens aid again. I was shocked, she knew everything , as if we had spoke before everything I was going to say, about what he does and the reasons for it, she knew. I can tell you on that lunch break I cried, for the whole hour, suddenly a weight lifted over my shoulder. This isnt in my head. People will believe me if i tell someone. One day I will open my mouth to someone in real life. and that day will be a beautiful day. But this is a big step for me writing it down like this, my heart felt lighter. Even if no one reads it, the fact I have let this out to the world when I am so scared people will tell me , its no big deal stop being silly. Ive grown up with the whole " put up and shut up your husband is your husband, you married him so deal with it" .. This is what I have heard women around me practise, so I wondered why I found it so hard to be the forgiving wife that I needed to be, the accepting wife of all her husband actions. Why was I this brat who couldn't stop being overly sensitive? Why did my husband seem to say he had no control over his actions? Why does he say he cant help saying certian words because its just the way he talks, why can i only speak to my husband at certian times and he constantly says " write it down" when its 2 words. I realise that I am not perfect. But its not all my fault. that I am relieved about.

My face is fine, but my mind is injured.
Every day, it gets harder and harder.
To dream that things will ever get better and better.
I’m struggling, I’m suffocating, and I’m drowning in side.
Trying so hard to hide what’s on my mind.

He says I’m mental.
Then the next minute he’s gentle.
He makes me feel uncomfortable, sometimes he thinks he’s untouchable.
He knows il never leave. Because I made a promise. And I believed,
It would be forever, not constantly hurting my heart, when did this start?

You can’t see the suffering that goes on every day, everything I say nothings every okay.
I try to change, and yet things are still the same.
I’m always at fault, wish things would just ground to a halt.
I pretend like everything is fine, but I wish people would just read between the lines.

When he touches my back, it makes my skin crawl.
When he refuses to let me talk it makes me feel small.
I cry every night wishing someone would save me.
Then I wake up and I remember the reality.

I sometimes wish the scars were visible to see.
Who would say something so twisted and unreal?
I’m walking on egg shells scared to ask a question.
Everyday I’m trying too learn a new lesson.

He snaps at me for asking “ is there nappy’s in the bag”
He makes me feel like a bad mum and makes me feel so sad.
I worry, how he will act when were around other people.
He lies about simple things, he is so deceitful.
But how can he be so bad?
When he cooks and he cleans?
Perhaps the real problem lies within me?
Have I got high expectations? Do I ask for to much?
I try not to hold a grudge.
I draw the line from the night before.
Then morning comes and I’m ready for what’s in store.

You hide my medication when you think im to independent.
The things you do are to much to mention.
You say you need nobody else but me.
And how lonely you would be.
If we were ever to part. So then I feel I don’t have the heart, to run to my freedom.
There are just so many reasons.
Why I am still here.
Am I isolated, lonely, no family around?
Does he control me act likes he owns me, knocks me down?
Grabs me, hurts, me injures my face?
Hurt me so bad I cant walk for days?

But he lies to me, makes me question myself.
So overwhelmed by all the things im doing wrong.
Make me feel like I don’t belong.
Makes me cry, makes me lie about things that happen.
Change the story, make things up, cry the victim, make me the villain.

He says;” I’m not interested”, “I’m not listening”, no one cares. And it’s just not fair.
I deserve to have a voice, I deserve to have a choice, of when I want to talk.
I shouldn’t be shut down. And only allowed, to talk when he is free.. Because it’s not just about him, what about me?
I often get confused, because I see what they call abuse in the media.
What he does to me doesn’t sound like abuse to me either.
Because I do the tick shit asking what he does.
But the results come back and then I feel like I’m just making a big fuss.

I feel like I should stay because he doesn’t lay his hand on me. There’s no damage you can see.
Yet my mind has been destroyed, and now I avoid, everyone that I know. Not because he makes me, but because I feel like less of a person.
Deep down I’m seriously hurting.
I wonder if this is my fault, am I not a good person?
Is it all in my head and am I the one with the problem?

Am I being abused? Would the tick sheet say yes or no, because I need to be sure before I go.
My face is fine but my mind is injured, even though there is no proof that can be pictured, how I can prove that this is real. Not a figment of my imagination. To ruin his reputation. Because I am the one who bosses him about, everyone says I’m so lucky to have him around.
I did think my face was fine, but actually, there is some signs. I never smile anymore, unless someone’s looking at me, my eyes are so dead and so red, from all the tears.

Okay I changed my mind, am I allowed to do that? Because sometimes I feel I can only stat fact. Without being shouted at.
What I’ve decided is, I may not have bruises on my face, but my scars still last for days.
Even though you may not see, my toxic relationship is real, and dangerous for me.
It’s hard for me to admit, that I am in this situation. But I wrote this poem to show you’re not alone. Please pick up that phone and speak to someone. They will believe you, because abuse is abuse.
Maybe one day I will be free, but till then build strength with me.
If you’re in a situation that you’re not happy with. Forget the label of what this is.
Believe in yourself that you deserve better. Maybe one day Il do the same and you will get an updated letter.

For now this is goodbye. Writing this has made me feel free, no more lies, no more trying to hide. Speaking the truth, will bring out the strength I need, to flee and find peace.

Happyandsimple Thu 25-Dec-14 23:00:49

Sorry that isnt profanity that was ment to say tick sheet not tickshit sorry dont know how to edit.

Jenda Fri 26-Dec-14 00:15:52

That's a brilliant poem. I can hear it being read by someone like Hollie McNish. I'm so sorry you have had the experience to be able to write so eloquently. I hope you find a way to leave thanks

pog100 Fri 26-Dec-14 00:31:06

Lovely, honest, articulate and utterly believable. You will have, you do have, the strength to remove yourself and your child from this.

ladybird69 Fri 26-Dec-14 00:31:54

Happy your poem is wonderful and really explains the abuse so well. I spent 27 yrs convincing myself it wasn't abuse that I was going through. It isn't until you talk to another woman who has gone through it that you get any release, you feel like people in RL wouldn't believe it. I used to wish my house was full of cameras so that my friends and family who thought he was the best thing since sliced bread could see the 'real' him and what he would say and do to me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will.......... Scar me for life and totally destroy me!
Sending you strength and thank you for your poem x

emm0371 Fri 26-Dec-14 00:33:46

I am sorry for what you are going through. I like to tell you that there is hope. I left my abusive husband and now live in a womans aid shelter with my 16 year old son, and have done so for the last 7 months.
I am free. Like you I was scared. I also thought no one would belive me after my husband abusive bahaviour for over 6 years. Emotional Abuse is now considered a criminal offence and what you are experiencing is abuse.

Talk to your local Womans aid, you can find it on their website. Talk to people who have been throug it and you will find strength you thought you never had. You do not deserve this and T=there is hope out there.

saturnvista Fri 26-Dec-14 00:45:36

I've taught creative writing and would be excited if this was given to me by a student. It's real, it's going somewhere, I can sense the big picture through what you're saying and you have a lovely feel for rhythm. Now you need to apply all those abilities into your life choices - I wonder if a counsellor might be able to help you do that. flowers

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:20:29

Saturnvista wow! you teach creative writing! Im really touched , I typed it in the dark so i didnt make to much noise so I didnt think it would make any sense!

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:21:00

Emma- Im sorry for what you went through, what a strong woman for making it out, your amazing.

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:22:06

I know its super long, I think poems are ment to be straight to the point , but once it started pouring out, I couldnt stop. I used to write poems at dificult points in my childhood. But havent in years, it really helped me doing it today.

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:22:41

Pog- thanks so much

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:24:13

Ladybird- and thank you for reading, i really apreciate it, and that really hits home. I sometimes say to myself , go ahead and ask questions infront of people, why should i try to hide what hes really like.

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 01:44:39

Jenda- Wow that is such a nice thing to say! As if it that good, your making me feel really good.

RandomFriend Fri 26-Dec-14 01:58:58

Happy, I think your poem is wonderful. Some of the rhymes and half-rhymes are brilliant.

Keep writing and building strength and self-esteem. I hope that you will soon be out of the situation.

kittybiscuits Fri 26-Dec-14 02:05:58

I hear you. I believe you. I know your pain. Your poem says it all. I am free now - it took years and years. Keep taking small steps. You're on your way x

ladybird69 Fri 26-Dec-14 02:22:47

Happy, men like him know what they're doing that's why no one else sees its just they are that controlled. It took the help of an old friend that I hadn't seen for over 25 yrs (isolated from friends) to show me a way out. She found me on FB and came for a coffee. She'd worked with abused women and as we said goodbye she whispered into my ear I know you're being abused. She said as it got nearer to his home time I turned from relaxed woman having a laugh to a huge ball of anxiety! He didn't like me seeing anyone, he expected his tea on the table when he walked in and he hated being disturbed. I was made to pay! That was 2011 the year I managed to escape and if a weak scarred woman like me can do it so can you. It is wonderful to be free. Im beginning to find myself again and live without fear and second guessing all of the time. My wonderful friend said 'your the opposite of weak you're strong you've survived his hell' stay strong Happy x

sandysbrain Fri 26-Dec-14 04:45:21

Well done and thank you for taking the time to express yourself so well.

iloverunning36 Fri 26-Dec-14 06:48:32

What a good poem. Totally puts into words some of the stuff I've never managed to articulate. Emotional abuse is so insidious it takes a while to even realise some of what's happened. I left in October and he is still manipulating the truth of what happened. I mainly feel upset I didn't realise sooner. I hope you find the strength to leave soon. flowers

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 06:56:47

I love running- wow some of this seems familier? I'm so proud of u for leaving. I know you don't know me but it brings joy to my heart that you've escaped this

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 06:59:09

Ladies . Your making me think my poems good ha. I had a dream last night that I published my poem or something and managed to make money to leave.but not leave with nothing.I felt my heavy heart lighten...i woke up thinking it was real..till I heard his snoring in the next room.dam lol

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 07:00:42

Kitty. God thank you for saying you believe me. That really helps xx

iloverunning36 Fri 26-Dec-14 07:04:17

Yes totally familiar. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? How many kids do you have? I also beleive you and hope you can escape soon. flowers

Rollercola Fri 26-Dec-14 09:45:55

Your poem brought a lump to my throat, it's fantastic but so sad. I also recognise much of what you said. My exh actually said to me 'but I never hit you' he thought that meant he wasn't abusive. My answer to him was 'no you never hit me..but you were abusive in so many other ways'

I just want to say that life without him is wonderful. Please consider leaving him. You already know it's bad but if you can leave him you will understand just quite how bad it was. I have a totally free life now. I can do whatever I want without fear. It's only now I'm away from him that I realise quite how awful it was, every day I remember something else he used to say/do and it just makes me so grateful I could get out.

Keep writing. You have a real talent and you write from your heart. I'm sorry your poems come from such sad circumstances but one day I'd love to read one about how you got out and how you're enjoying a new life.

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 17:23:51

Iloverunning- Hello, I havent read any books apart from uni books, and before that harry potter! I have 2 kids hun. Still babies. What is the book about?

Whats making everyone say they believe me? how do you know thats the biggest thing im scared about? i just suddenly feel like a human being who might be taken seriously, I just cant believe this. In a good way, but its just a shock.

Happyandsimple Fri 26-Dec-14 17:30:26

Rollercola- Wow it bought a lump to your throat! and thats like my partner! Hearing you say it sounds similer to your ex, makes me feel better because I always listen to his excuses, but its real, and others are like him.

I really am considering leaving him, infact i will 100percent. I have no money at the momment because I've given it all to him when I bailed him out of debt. But I have my own account. I already have 2 jobs so cant take on a third, but I am going to try and find an online job like transcribing, or see if anyone has any odd jobs for me, I am going to get enough for a deposit on somewere. He thinks I wont leave because he knows I have no money, but he will be shocked. I dont know when I will leave. but this momment I am sure I will. I hope i stay sure.. I wish I had someone to hold my hand. to tell me , and push me to get out and tell me how. Or rescue me! But that must be the imature side of me? I never thought I was imature, but why do I want someone to rescue me? Why dont I want to rescue myself? who do I think I am? thinking someone will come and help me?

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