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Best Xmas Day ever..but so sad :(

(42 Posts)
Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 21:59:18

Just back after a fabulous day with my wife ( we separated in July due to my infidelity..long story) Bring on the flames) and kids.
It was a lovely day & probably the best we've
shared for many a year.. Xmases usual ended up a stressful event, with neither of us enjoying the day due to both being stressed to the eyeballs ( both suffered depression and anxiety) As I was tucking my youngest into bed he said I was the best Daddy ever..after I left the room I just broke down...it hit me so hard.. I'm so sorry for hurting them all and pray I can repair the damage caused..we're due at Relate in the new year..once my own counselling finishes ( I suffered a breakdown prior to my affair..I've discovered via counselling that this was caused by non disclosure of the abuse I suffered as a child) I make no excuses for going to OW...My marriage /relationship was very intense and troubled for many years...but it's fact I was in no state of mind to make rational decisions...I just feel so heartbroken tonite..( I know my wife is heartbroken also by my actions) I miss them all so much and want the family back together.

NoRoomAtTheGin Thu 25-Dec-14 22:09:17

Thats what happens when families break down. You have a nice day and think it will all be OK if you got back together. But it wont. For your own health you need to move on.

Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 22:11:37

Can't be better if we go to Relate & agree to work on our differences?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Thu 25-Dec-14 22:13:30

It might be better, it might not. At least you are willing to try. Whether your wife can trust you again is something you can't predict though.

I wish you all the best.

Yuleloglatte Thu 25-Dec-14 22:15:51

Are you still with OW? You should probably have some time alone before making any serious decisions. Your wife deserves not to be messed around. A good Christmas Day does not make a happy life.

drudgetrudy Thu 25-Dec-14 22:20:33

If OP is prepared to put in the work and is genuine I think there is some possibility of things working out-it depends on his wife's feelings.

Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 22:23:04

I had a two month fling to honestly escape the darkness inside my head.. I wished I'd had the courage and respect to talk about my issues to my wife.. But I felt in a hole.. We'd grown totally apart over past three years..I left my wife to escape/ runaway I feel..was with the OW for 3 days and thought WTF are you doing.. Get this sorted out.. I stayed moved out at wife request & have been seeing a counsellor since...she has also been seeing a counsellor re her past and our issues.. We will go to joint in 2015

queenofthepirates Thu 25-Dec-14 22:28:25

I wish you well, it takes a big person to take on such large emotions and deal with them. We all make mistakes but it sounds as though you are tackling them and acknowledging your pains. I hope 2015 brings you happiness.

OutsSelf Thu 25-Dec-14 22:28:45

Just notice for yourself that the best Christams day ever happened when you and your wife were cooperatively coparenting OUTSIDE of your marriage. Being married to her was so stressful and intense for you both that you couldn't enjoy Christmas. Your son has enjoyed this day because your non-functional relationship was not clouding it.

Today was not an example of "what could have been" or "what you lost;" it's what you have, now, with your ex and son. It sounds wonderful. Why do you want to fuck it up by thinking it should have meant something else or happened at another point in your family's life?

Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 22:40:32

Good question Outself..I guess the way I see it is that my wife and I had a co-dependant relationship based on past..We also had an amazing bond and connection that was lost overtime..usual life strains..kids, work, family etc.. I have hope that when we finish our own stuff we can have clearer minds for joint stuff..I believe we can have a fantastic future together.. That's what I want..Iv been a fucking mess for years & today was great cos were addressing our issues.Sometimes you have to smash something up to start again and rebuild frame something better?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 25-Dec-14 22:58:50

Is your wife a user of Mumsnet ?

Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 23:03:10

Don't think so AnyFFAMP.. Why you ask?

jasper Thu 25-Dec-14 23:07:55

good luck OP
I hope you all make it back to happiness together

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 25-Dec-14 23:11:51

I just wondered because your posts here, and previously, have the look of someone trying to get a message across to someone

heyday Thu 25-Dec-14 23:23:55

Who knows what the future may hold for you both. You have acknowledged your mistake and shown willingness to try to work through the problems in your relationship with your wife. I think you both have a rocky and painful road ahead but With honesty you may well find a way forward together. If not, then it sounds as if you have a very solid base to be good friends and loving, supportive parents and that is something that so many separating couples never achieve.

Namaste100 Thu 25-Dec-14 23:32:48

No messages as such AnyF...
I'm fairly new to MN and felt ( as previously
noted) that folk who contribute here say what they see..but I am reaching out to the MN community as feel really isolated if I'm truly honest..I feel positive some days and think I can do this..then others I feel my depression gets hold and I need reassurances..so your not your far off I guess..is that wrong of me?
Heyday..if we can't work this out we will always aim to be fantastic parents to our boys..and treat each other with care & respect I hopesmile

Deserttrek Thu 25-Dec-14 23:48:11

OutsSelf

Merry Christmas.......sad(

We wouldn't want him to try to rebuild his relationship would we??

Deserttrek Thu 25-Dec-14 23:54:05

Namaste100

You sound like a good man.

Follow your heart.

drudgetrudy Thu 25-Dec-14 23:58:26

Yes-a lot of negativity in some of the responses-it always surprises me that people are prepared to stick their necks out and offer such definitive advice to people they don't know about issues that are crucially important in their lives.
Wish I had all the answers like some posters on here.
OP-its possible that this can't be repaired but its possible it can-if you love your wife and family its worth trying.

SoleSource Fri 26-Dec-14 03:13:55

The counselling may also prove that you are better not being in a romantic relationship and leave you both stronger to move on and hopefully be amicable.

NewNameforChristmas Fri 26-Dec-14 08:29:41

I had a lovely day yesterday with my XDP and our children. But never in a million years would I let him live with us again. But maybe you have a chance to claw things back, maybe not. Do your best.

Vivacia Fri 26-Dec-14 09:08:52

What's the alternative Drudge? smile 20 replies saying, "well, I wouldn't like to say, and won't share any thoughts or experiences on this. You're possibly right or possibly wrong. Er, bye".

Timetoask Fri 26-Dec-14 09:15:47

Op I wish you the best of luck in trying to rebuild your life with your lovely family. It seems your are taking the steps in the right direction. You sound like a good man that acknowledges a mistake. Keep working on it and hopefully your wife will see the change and forgive you.

DustBunnyFarmer Fri 26-Dec-14 09:21:35

Seems a fair point to suggest it might have worked well because they were separated. My parents managed to spoil most of our family Christmasses once I hit my tweens/teens by generating an atmosphere you could have cut with a knife. It was certainly less stressful once they separated (though problematic for us kids in different ways).

JollyJingle Fri 26-Dec-14 09:31:46

I think MN relationships is not the ideal place to start. You will get more negative responses here than anywhere else as lots of projecting going on and men rarely are given the benefit of the doubt. You are expected to be perfect like women!

Of course cheating on your wife when she is in a bad place too isn't going to help any situation but at least you are accepting responsibility and recognising the reasons and the damage thats been done.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I appreciate your honesty and wish you and your wife well with the counselling. I can't honestly see your marriage surviving this and the hurt you have caused your wife and most particularly your children is probably going to be the deal breaker. It will take a particularly strong and loving wife to forgive you and contribute to the rebuilding you want.

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