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Is it me? He's chatting to his stalker?

(79 Posts)
bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 19:50:26

In comparison to some of the big problems on here, this question feels a bit juvenile and insignificant but I am genuinely not sure what to do.

I'm mid 30s. My confidence was knocked after coming out of an LTR with a man I thought was wonderful / sweet / honest and beyond reproach only to find out 4 years in that he was a lying, cheating nasty scumbag who ate me up and spat me out. Found out he was on sex dating websites and screwing hookers behind my back. Really bad and I was devastated. I feel really insecure over my judgement with men even though that bad relationship was over 14 months ago and I've had counselling.

I have been seeing a guy for 4 - 5 months who I really like, and who says he really likes me. I can't fault him when we were together although I hear from him that I pushed him away a lot and I know he felt concerned I wasn't over my past BF.

I moved away recently, and I ended the relationship before I felt because although I liked him a lot and would have liked a future, I felt like a long distance relationship wouldn't be the best thing for me.

When I moved, he was lovely to me. Took the day off work to help me get the boxes in the van and loaned me money when things were tight over moving month. He was really kind and lovely and supportive.

I've been gone two weeks and miss him a lot and the more I thought about it the more of a future I started to see with him. He has been messaging every day to say he was sad and down since I left and he missed me. Then he told me he loved me, and he didn't want to lose me.

I was all set to say "ok" and try giving things a go, then he texted me last night with this story about some girl who is apparently younger than me and very attractive who has been stalking him off his old POF profile and came into his work quite a few times to see him and has been calling his work. She's also stalked him on Facebook and told him she'd been viewing his photos and it culminated in her sending him a naked photo of herself.

I'm clearly older, she's a size 8 and I am a size 14 and I clearly feel really insecure about all this. But what really, really annoys me is that he'd actually engaged in conversation with her.

I understand it's not his fault this woman is doing this, but I feel like if he was interested in me in a genuine way and had fallen in love and missed me so much like he said, he'd surely not even have replied to this nutter? Instead he's chatting with her.

He says I am over reacting and it's because of what my ex put me through that I have a jealousy problem, and he also says because I ended the relationship that he was basically free to message people if he wanted to and I can't have my cake and eat it.

I feel really miffed because I was just on the verge of saying "ok" to giving things a go and trying really hard to trust and let go, and he's done this which has made me feel like he's not trustworthy or that bothered about me.

I have lost all!!!!

CatsClaus Thu 25-Dec-14 19:53:38

she's not a stalker...she's his next conquest.

you're not in a relationship with this guy, he's still dipping his toes in the water to see what bites.

FelicityGubbins Thu 25-Dec-14 19:59:46

My way of reading it is that you have blown hot and cold towards him, and he is now going all out to make you jealous to see if you will get back with him.
To be fair to the bloke you broke up with him so he can message who he likes....

dickiedavisthunderthighs Thu 25-Dec-14 20:02:00

Nobody sends a naked picture of themselves unsolicited, and nobody puts their real name on POF so how did she find him on Facebook? I'm sorry but there's way more to this than he's letting on.

tethersend Thu 25-Dec-14 20:03:52

I'd put money on this girl not existing.

He sounds as if he's trying to make you jealous.

zippey Thu 25-Dec-14 20:14:39

Calling her a stalker is a bit harsh. She may have been overly eager to get to know him but her attensions are obviously reciprocated. You can't really blow hot and cold then complain when your victim starts seeing someone new. Your insecurities are not his to help you with, just wish him well and move on.

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:17:50

He says he had talked to her briefly before he started seeing me and he told her his name and where he works. Before I left he'd told me the girls in his shop (he works in a superstore) told him a pretty young girl had phoned and popped in a few times to see him and but he hadn't known who it was
So I think she does exist. I just don't get why he would be messaging a girl who'd sent him nude photos if he's in love with me. He knows all I have been through and I feel like he should be trying harder to be trustworthy if he really cared. He's making out that I am out of order

tethersend Thu 25-Dec-14 20:22:36

I still think she doesn't exist.

The question is not "why would he do this?", but "why would he tell me all about it?"

My guess is that none of it happened, she doesn't exist and he's trying to make you jealous.

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:23:16

I called her a stalker because she has come to.his workplace / phoned it unsolicited, posed as a customer and talked to him and then sent him random naked photos. So to me that's not courtship, that's a weirdo. He'd not arranged to meet her

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:25:34

And calling him my victim seems nasty. He was my boyfriend, not my victim. And my insecurities are part of me. If I cared about someone I'd be sensitive to those and try and help the person overcome them. I went through an awful time with my ex. These things have an affect on you I am.only human and scared of being hurt

JuanDirection Thu 25-Dec-14 20:26:39

That backfired on him, he told you about her to make you jealous, it worked, but not in the way he hoped. I think your reaction is right, if he was that interested in you he wouldn't be checking his 'old' POF account, adding someone on FB from it, chatting her up and swapping naked pics! I wonder if she actually exists too. Maybe it's time for a totally honest make or break conversation - you've got nothing to lose. Find out if she actually exists or whether he made it up as a misjudged attempt to get you back.

SanityClause Thu 25-Dec-14 20:27:32

You split up with him, and he has tried to talk you round, despite your decision that splitting would be better for you.

Now he's switched tactics to try to make you jealous about this nonexistant woman.

I think he's playing you. sad

FolkGirl Thu 25-Dec-14 20:27:40

Dear, oh dear. She's not his stalker, she's a girl he's chatting/flirting/sexting with. He's telling you because he wants to talk about it and see what reaction it gets from you, because he's preparing you to be dumped, because he's callous and he doesn't care, because it amuses him... who knows for sure.

Unless he's deleted his account and blocked her and got the police involed due to her turning up at his workplace, then she is not a stalker!

He doesn't love you. Or care about you. He wouldn't be doing this if he did.

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:36:56

His story is that she messaged HIM on Fb not on POF and he says he chatted to her because he was curious. He says he told me because he thought it was a funny story confused
Honestly I am at that point of just thinking all men are dicks.
I don't get how you can entertain messaging on Fb with a person who's sent you a naked photo and then try and say there's nothing to be jealous of.

JuanDirection Thu 25-Dec-14 20:38:54

Cross posted with you OP. If she exists, he has been (at best) stringing her along as a second option all the time he's been with you. He's given her enough information about himself and enough encouragement to to turn up at the place he works (why did he need to tell her which branch of which chain he works at), fb friend him, and send him naked pics - they have been doing some serious getting to know each other! If you are minded to give this relationship a go, at least have a look at the FB messages between the two of them leading up to the naked pic, and his response to her. I suspect he won't show you, because she is not a stalker (if she exists!), she is his other girlfriend.

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:39:14

But then my ex tried to pass of sleeping with prostituts as my fault too...

JuanDirection Thu 25-Dec-14 20:40:39

Not all men OP, but this one is. Raise your standards and try again with someone else. x

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 20:48:01

Well thanks for the feedback. He made me I was overreacting. I was just about to call him and tell.him id give "us" a shot but if he acts like this after two weeks apart I can't see it working

TheVioletTinsel Thu 25-Dec-14 20:49:11

Whether this lass actually exists, sounds like he is trying at best to make you see him as desirable to others or at worst punishing you for dumping him. Either way, is he really worth the mind games

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 25-Dec-14 20:51:15

He's taking the piss out of you - don't fall for it. You've moved away so now's the time to make a fresh start. Leave this prick to his little fantasy and concentrate on you for a while.

FolkGirl Thu 25-Dec-14 20:55:37

Look, she'd have to be really fucking stupid to send out speculative naked pics of herself, wouldn't she?

Not all men are dicks. But a lot of them are! And the internet just gives them more opportunities.

bigbrownshoes Thu 25-Dec-14 21:18:21

She would have to be really stupid. And if it's true as a 35 year old man he's pretty stupid to message back.

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 25-Dec-14 21:25:54

Your instincts are right - whatever effect he is trying to have, his motivations are a bit twisted, to say the least, and you are better off ending things completely and looking for a new person when you're ready.

Your previous ex sounds like a scumbag. Take some time to heal.

There are people out there who would send stupid pics etc but not many.

The thing here is he is talking to her.Nothing to do with you as such,but if she was so weird and stalky then no sane person would be talking to her.So he clearly either has made it up or he's enjoying it or entertaining the idea.

That means he's either trying to make you jealous,or he's a complete and utter idiot,or he's had more involvement than he says,OR he's a total pig who is playing games with her.

None of the above make him particularly attractive,do they? The first one is the least worst but still..

FolkGirl Thu 25-Dec-14 21:29:12

My point was that she didn't send speculative naked pics of jerself. Either it's all nonsense, she doesn't exist and he's just messing with your head for fun, or she does exist and they've been sexting/are seeing each other. I don't believe his version of events for a secomd and I think you're a fool if you do.

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