Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I hate having sex with him.....(13 Posts)
Bit of backstory...
I'm 28, met 'D'P at 21, absolutely fantastic relationship, fell pg just under a year into relationship. All changed.
I was working full time up to 9 months pg, he was off work for a few months (subcontractor with no new jobs coming up) so I was stressed out about that. I put money aside every month, he did fuck all.
He started treating me like shit, fine mon to thurs, but as soon as it hit the weekend he would arrange to meet me after work (didn't live together then), call and say he was just having a few with his mates, can he come an hr later, when 2 hrs had past and I called to find out where he was, he would make me sound like a possesive freak, (shouting down phone that he told me he was going out with friends etc when he clearly had arranged to see me), rinse and repeat.
Should have left then, but I was scared. I did offer him the chance to walk away if he wanted to, but he said no he loved me et .
so DS born, we lived at my mums for a year, before getting our own place. same things continuing re going out, kept having strops when we argued, would always fuck off to his mums for a few days when we rowed. (Which always seemed to happen on the weekend. Put up with it for 2 years, then became pg again. He told me he didn't want baby, told me to get an abortion.
I said no, if he didn't want the baby, he could go. He didn't go. was so fed up of crying constantly, so after he went on a strop to his mums, I told him that was the last time. The next time he left that would be it.
So he did it again, a few weeks later, so I refused to let him back, bagged up his clothes, made him give back key.
so now he is absolutely resolute to get me back on the weekdays. constant texting and calling mon-thurs, then nothing for the weekend. Found out he was texting some girl he met while out, would say that didnt matter because we are not together, but then profess his love for me and the by then 2 kids.
It was relentless mon-thurs but fuck all at the weekend.
He said the reason we used to argue was because I was too messy, lazy etc. and that he hated our flat, please coukd we give it a another go, move to a new house fresh start etc.
Don't know why I did it. But I did.
So we moved, that was 3 years ago. for the 1st year it pretty much went back, but then after the last two years it has slowly changed.
He did stop going out so much, stopped spending so much time with the idiot friends whose thoughts and opinuins he had always valued more than mine.
But by now I had changed too. No longer the clingy gf, calling him constantly, and crying down the phone, I started turning cold. Never called him if he went out, never asked to do anything as a family, never asked him to do anything, was fed up with all previous rejections.
We had always had an amazing sex life, not as great after 1st baby, but after getting back together after 2nd baby it was horrendous. He would constantly complain about sex, every fucking day. Apparently our lack of sex was the cause of all our realtionship problems. When we did have sex, if I tried to snuggle he would push me off, saying he was too hot.He would complain that I was like a dead person and boring in bed. So basically complaing before during and after.
So fast forward to today. I hate having sex with him, every fucking day he will bring it up, telling me he feels rejected and that I dont love him. keeps threatening to leave if it doesnt change.
after a while i tried having sex more often to shut him up, just made him want it more.
He complains on the phone to his friends in front of ne that he hasnt had sex for months.
when I point out we had sex last week he tells me it was only a quickie so doesnt count.
Complains when we do have sex that I put him off because I act bored.
will only be nice to me when trying to get sex, then will get frustrated, shout about imaginary slights, or ignore me.
even if we have not argued, if i talk about chit chat, he will stare at tv and ignore me. I hate having sex, I hate talking about sx, I hate everything to do with sex. I hate him,
I have told him so many times that Im not happy and he should go. whenever he threatens to leave unless I 'sort it out' i always tell him to go. But he never does.
We had to move house a few months ago, due to problems with going back to work after 1st baby im SAHM now.
Our rent is peactically double now in new house, I cannot financially support my self, signed 1 year contract 6 weeks ago.
I can't afford for him to leave now.
I hate him, and I hate myself for allowing this to happen. Should have been stronger before.
sorry for bring so long winded, and so manyt mistakes, on my shit phone.
just sitting here crying writing thia, i hate it all
Oh shit. No one should have to face this. I wish I could give you some constructive help but all I can think of is that you should get out of this relationship sooner rather than later. On the plus side, MN is full of women who have been in your position and have escaped to a better and happier life. Wait for them to start posting and listen to what they have to say.
Your life can get better.
And you stay with this twat because ???
Sending you a big hug!
I think maybe because he treated you like shit earlier on, its natural for you to now get to a place where you're just over it. I think this is what happened with me too, I have my everything for the first year or two, then wised up and realised I wasn't getting it back, so I just became quite hard and not myself.
He sounds like a big baby, needs to grow up and realise what is important in life.
Interesting that he now goes on at you with his insecurities feeling like you don't love him - probably didn't give much of a shit when you were possibly saying that years earlier? Self absorbed arsehole.
You can do MUCH better than him, I think you know what you need to do deep down, listen to that voice, it is your gut speaking and gut instinct is always right.
Did you both sign this contract? What do you think he would say if you said you didn't want to continue this relationship and need to come to some sort of agreement regarding living situation - would he flip?
Don't put yourself down for not being stronger than before, from reading your post I can see you are already incredibly strong to have dealt with all this, much much stronger than he is.
I feel like I want to give you a great big hug and tell you it will be ok, you WILL survive, it WILL get better and you ARE worth so much more than this shit. Don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes - some huger than others. Trust me - I've made a couple of real drop-dead blinders. There's life, peace and happiness the other side. Hang on here for the collective wisdom of the women who've escaped and are now free - you CAN do it.
Thank you so much for you kindness, hearing that it's not my fault and I deserve better has made me cry again.
I think deep deep down I've always known it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
I was fooling myself thinking it wasn't because I thought I didn't behave like a typical victim. In my mind they bent over backwards trying to please their abusers, blamed themselves for partners behaviour, whereas I don't make any effort with him, always blame him for it all.
But I suppose anyone who has been there had their own excuses why their situation was 'different'.
I cannot afford for him to leave, I would have to claim housing benefit, and somehow top up 450 everymonth, as rent is more than the allowance in my area. all rents are practically the same, they've sky rocketed.
DD is 3, and in nursery half days.
I want to go back to work now, but alone by the time I pay childcare and top up, i would have nothjng left for food or bills.
Thinking if I wait until September when she goes full time childcare will not be so much, so maybe more practical? Can I put up with him until then etc...
Can't see rents going down, so looking for a cheaper place not viable unless I move quite a way away.
Can't drive, don't want to be isolated from friends and family, especially if I take plunge and go it alone.
I know what I have to do, it's the practicalities of doing it.
or that I will probably chicken out, just to preserve status quo.
I change my mind about it a million times a day.
Here is my input:
1: Double check contract for any break clauses in rental agreement- might be able to get out sooner.
2. See if you can find someone to take over rental agreement whether that will be acceptable - tried and tested method as landlords have to be reasonable. A lot of these rental agreements aren't actually worth the paper they are written on. Spend some time trying to positively change things by finding new tenants to take over rental agreement.
3. Read 'The Secret' - whilst sitting and typing this out on your phone may be temporarily cathartic it just means you end up wallowing in self pity and that won't help you. You need to attract positive change into your life - you are alive with two lovely kids and it's time you enjoyed your life and were appreciated. Give it a go and read the book.
It will all be alright in the end you are just on the bumpy bit of road in your journey. 2015 is your year of change x
Whatever the finances, you can't afford for him NOT to leave. You're miserable, struggling mentally and your DC will be suffering the fall out as well. Please get expert advice from Women's Aid, CAB and other agencies. Help is available but you have to demand it
You are a lovely, sexy, NORMAL woman. Tell this whinging, whining, immature, abusive TWAT to FUCK off! Enjoy your gorgeous kids, live your life and when you've had time to re-evaluate who and what you are, get with someone who is a real man and not a complete SHIT. Loads of hugs and love to you! xx
You have strength, intelligence and motivation. I can see how easy it is to be swamped by all his crap and feel powerless but you are not powerless and you don't have to live like this with this loser.
Good advice here. Keep posting. Start planning. You need to make it happen
I agree with ktd, good advice! Also, consider the possibility of a roommate moving in to help cover the rent.
No matter how you do it, you do need to get free.
So I want to be careful here, I do not want to upset you. You have all my sympathys being in a shit relationship with a prize shit,
BUT....... Six weeks ago you signed a lease. Did you need that heavy anchor before you began to think of getting out. Or did that act of signing and locking you together for another year with the prize shit trigger the lightbulb moment.
You are not the first to post in an abusive and bad relationship just a few weeks after moving house etc, etc.
If you really want to get out then you need to start planning your escape. This might take another 46 weeks until the lease is up and properly cancelled but this is entirely in your hands.
Plan your escape - whatever it takes - get advice from everybody, CAB, solicitor, RL contacts - just do it - and keep posting on here every day to let us know what you're doing and how we can help support you. Then this time next year you will be free.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.