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Why is he so defensive all the time

(12 Posts)
Lifesicks Wed 24-Dec-14 19:18:41

I'm not sure if it is me with the problem or him but I'm worn out and cannot face arguing.

This morning he thought he had lost his credit cards, they always seem to be loose in his wallet... I was trying to make suggestions but I needed to 'shut up' as he couldn't handle my nagging. I hate being told that so naturally got upset and swore at him. Under my breath I suggested he check the car and surprise, they were there. Apparently he would have checked there anyway without my interference.

Today at iceskating I suggested youngest DC needed a penguin to balance on, but when we got to the kiosk they had sold out, I suggested again that we wait and see if we could ask someone for theirs as they came off, granted this was cheeky, but again triggered wild gesticulation and DH telling me to stop being unreasonable and ridiculous, stupid etc. I wanted to leave I felt upset again but I couldn't 'storm off' as I needed to be there in case DC wanted to come off. So I sat there humiliated and wanting to cry as DH has had another outburst.

I am a nag and not perfect but it's wearing me down that he refuses to accept that I don't see things his way, I'm really fed up of his attitude and stubbornness.

I feel like we act like squabbling kids...does anyone have any advice to stop us acting this way?

HamPortCourt Wed 24-Dec-14 19:51:28

Well it isn't "us" acting this way is it? It's him. And no, you cannot control another persons behaviour.
Either he decides not to be such a wanker or he doesn't.

Fairylea Wed 24-Dec-14 19:57:04

It's not you, it's him. He's a controlling bully.

Lifesicks Wed 24-Dec-14 20:03:08

Thanks Hamport and Fairylea, how can I put my opinion across without being irrational and losing my cool?

I've told him it's bullying and it gets me down but he doesn't see it.

I don't want to walk away as everything else is great, problem is if I disagree with his opinion he will twist everything I say so that his argument is justified, it's like living with a fucking politician!

SageSeymour Wed 24-Dec-14 20:10:06

It's not a court of law so you don't need to present your view point in an analytical precise way.

You simply choose your moment and sit down with him. You explain how it makes you feel. When he tries to turn this around on you / blame you / tell you it's your fault as well / whatever .. you say something like ' I don't want to engage with you about this , I just wanted to tell you how I feel and that I'd like you to stop doing it. If you can't then maybe we should consider other options '

And mean it.

Lifesicks Wed 24-Dec-14 20:33:07

Thanks Sage, I've reached the end of my tether today so will try this when I've calmed down, we are currently not talking and in separate rooms as I feel his attitude stinks!

I can have my personality and attitude criticised but as he hates 'being told what to do' I cannot criticise him. His family are like that and I'm worried DC will pick up this negative genetic trait, I already have a battle of wills with my eldest DD.

hiphoplollipop30 Wed 24-Dec-14 22:46:59

Is this similar to gaslighting? I googled that the other day and seemed a lot like how my ex behaved.

Totally acceptable for him to snap at me or get personal, but the other way round, and on a lesser scale, my god you'd think I'd launched a full blown attack on him!

Nobody likes being told what to do, but there's just better ways of managing it isn't there? And you're not necessarily telling him what to do, you're sharing an opinion - which, as my ex always said, if its just his opinion, I can't get offended hmm

CogitOIOIO Wed 24-Dec-14 23:51:55

'everything else is great' ....... but it's never the 99% good stuff that saves a marriage. It's the 1% truly intolerable stuff that crushes the life out of it, and out of you if you're not careful.

MistressDeeCee Wed 24-Dec-14 23:57:17

When a person is a defensive, impentrable wall you will only wear yourself out trying to deal with it. Itll only mess with your emotional health eventually. No man is worth that. Let him live with his over-prideful stubborn self, he doesn't respect you anyway and I always feel where there's no respect there's no love

tribpot Thu 25-Dec-14 00:01:09

granted this was cheeky

You mean it would have been cheeky to ask someone coming off the ice if you could borrow/buy their penguin? Seems like a practical solution given they were sold out.

Why do you think there's a way you could express your point of view without it riling him? His response seems like a deliberate attempt to get you to shut up and stop contradicting him. Eventually it will work because you'll conclude it's not worth the aggro you get every time you speak up for yourself. He wants you docile.

His behaviour is not 'defensive' as you characterise it in your post title. He seems permanently on the attack. You call it defensive presumably because he makes you feel that you are the one attacking.

wasitsomethingisaid Thu 25-Dec-14 00:25:16

I've heard one way of dealing with it is to explain without emotion. EG

I want a penguin because I'm Worried the DC will fall over without one. The kiosk has sold out. I offer another option. I am called ridiculous and feel humiliated for the day.

I don't think he is going to "get it" immediately. But if you keep doing it, it might sink in slowly.

CogitOIOIO Thu 25-Dec-14 07:56:12

It won't 'sink in' because this man isn't a reasonable person. He understands the situation well enough. He's choosing to be petty and pick an argument over nothing for his own reasons. And I suspect the reason is that he wants the OP to shut up. It's bullying

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