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Love is lost, I really need a little help!

(23 Posts)
LostandHurt13 Wed 24-Dec-14 14:39:25

Hello, I have been happily married with my wife for 14 years now and finally we had a beautiful baby girl. We struggled with all the new issues that parents have to go through, sleepless nights, constant care.

We both love and care for our little girl very much, but during this process our personal relationship has suffered, at first its to be expected, no time to hug, kiss or simply feel a love for each other. Now we are approaching 3 years. My wife has a routine every day, she even still sleeps with the baby, i mean during the day and night. Basically thee is nothing beyond taking care of the kid and don't get me wrong that is very important part of our lives.

I just feel there has to me more to our marriage than this. I feel hurt and unimportant. Thinking about where this is going I feel sad and I know the child always suffers.

I have tried to express the importance of having a loving relationship, she simply does not seem to be interested enough to make it a priority. I know there are so many books out there, maybe someone can give me some advise. This Christmas feels so joyless when i should be happy!!

Can anyone please offer some good advise on this matter, so we can finally be a familly again.

Thanks in advance, Lost and Sad Dad.

GingerbreadPudding Wed 24-Dec-14 14:52:05

If you look on Amazon there are plenty of books. I've got one called 'baby shock' that seems good. I'm eight months preg with our first and very keen not to lose my relationship along the way. Not least of which because I believe a strong parental relationship is important for a child.

It strikes me as worrying that your wife sleeps with 'baby' still Is she using this asa barrier for you two?

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 15:07:00

'the kid'?

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 15:10:25

These threads really annoy me. Come to a load of 'mums' to get them to say your wife should have sex with you? If you were treating her properly and providing a life she could enjoy, she'd be demanding sex, you wouldn't need us to offer hints as to how you can persuade her. You'd love us to condemn her, wouldn't you? Search previous threads, there's lots of advice available.

JuanDirection Wed 24-Dec-14 15:33:46

Are there any signs of affection in your relationship? Do you talk kindly to each other, say I love you, say nice things? Do you pay each other attention (do you know what she watches on tv, what book she's reading)? Do you do anything for each other (make tea, do any household chores the other one doesn't like)? What do you have/do in terms of physical affection? What would you like ideally - is it just about sex, or is that the main goal? What have you tried and what has the reaction been - have you kissed her good morning, have you gone to hold her hand?

jack45132 Wed 24-Dec-14 15:43:43

LostandHurt13. If you are new to this site, you'll have to learn quickly to ignore comments such as AskMeAnother - who is carrying baggage into your heartfelt post.

You've been with your wife 14 years and "finally had a ...girl" Could the difficulty in getting there be a reason why your other half looks to be quite protective...which seems understandable.

LostandHurt13 Wed 24-Dec-14 17:45:06

Hello Juan, im talking about everything, we talk in a casual way simply, but without the affection and love. Im talking about emotional closeness, its simply not there anymore. Our baby girl is very loving giving us each hugs and kisses all the time. I actually think its healthy to see mommy and daddy kissing or hugging each other if only it happened.

I also thought about counseling , but i've heard some of them can make the relationship even worse. I figure there are a lot of parents here and i'm sure everyone , at least that has had a child has had some challenges maintaining the love for one another.

I feel like i'm backed into a corner, we have a child together, divorce and separation is the last thing i want to happen, but i know I don't want to be unhappy for the next 15 years.

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 17:55:13

AskMeAnother - who is carrying baggage into your heartfelt post
Not me, Jack. My problems were quite other than sex - a small matter of being married to a sociopath.
I do loathe these threads, and the men who might be posting them, as much as I hate the whining women's threads where they moan 'I've been living with him ten years, three children and he still hasn't proposed'.
Some things are just annoying.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 24-Dec-14 17:56:50

Is there any way you could leave your ds with a babysitter and start having 'date nights' with your dw? If you can start having time for just the two of you, the intimacy could then return.
I sort of understand where your dw is, my ex and I tried for many years to have our ds and when he finally arrived he became my whole world, unlike you though, my ex didn't try to resolve our intimacy issues and instead left for ow.
If you really want your marriage to work you need to spend more time together (alone), and make your dw feel cherished and loved, she may then be more inclined to have a more intimate relationship with you.
Best of luck to you both, I really hope you both work things out.

JuanDirection Wed 24-Dec-14 18:29:02

I think you need to have this conversation with her. You've managed to articulate the issue on here, but the only person with the answers is her. Talk about whether you're still in love with each other (reassure her about your feelings, honestly), and talk about how you can improve your relationship and make/keep it special. This is only going to get worse if you don't do anything about it, and you can't do anything about it on your own, you need to work together. Good luck with it.

FlowerFairy2014 Wed 24-Dec-14 18:33:05

Do you know if she masturbates? In other words you need to find out if she has no sexual feelings at all or is having an orgasm herself every few days so feels sexy but just does not want to do it with you.
Have you considered a second child - a lot of people have number 2 after 2 years and that might help get her to give you sex if she wants child number 2.

Also work - if she went back to full time work she might well feel sexier, more adult, in office clothes each day etc. I am sure that helped me.

NoDecentNamesLeft Wed 24-Dec-14 18:45:06

AskMeAnother, when Im on forums and I dont like the threads, i move from them onto ones I can contribute to positively to and not sound like the local grinch.

OP, listen to the rest, they talk sense.

LostandHurt13 Wed 24-Dec-14 20:20:08

Thanks, guys, for me its not just about sex, but i have to say, I don't think she thinks about it. The date night idea would be great, but infortunatley we have never left her with anyone else and close family is not close enough.

I guess im not really sure whats going on inside her, its not that i have tried talking to her. I have tried over the past 3 years, I even said lets set 30 minutes after our baby is asleep. That would be a good start, I heard about postpartum depression maybe a very mild case ....i looked it up,

Loss of interest in sex
Lack of joy in life,

But all other symptoms don't fit, with our baby she is the greatest when it comes to affection and love. That's when she smiles and seems happy, as far as having another baby, I think that would be unfair to bring another child into the world when the parents cant work issues out for themselves.

I guess i have to try something different, i heard maybe you make all the positive changes yourself and the partner may come around slowly.

Oh well, thanks everyone for your help.

p.s. My wife has not had to go out and work a day since we were married and she stays home with our girl. So going out and getting a job probably wont work. I have also thought about moving out for awhile close enough to still be there for our girl, but i feel its a step backwards and may do more harm to our baby.

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 20:25:17

NoDecentNamesLeft - AskMeAnother, when Im on forums and I dont like the threads, i move from them onto ones I can contribute to positively to and not sound like the local Grinch

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 20:25:47

obviously I don't want to make a comment...

FlowerFairy2014 Wed 24-Dec-14 21:17:51

I would try to talk to her gently about it all then. Everyone is different. I would never have married anyone unless it were clear we would both work full time when the children were young and both do the same amount of domestic work and childcare - absolutely fundamental to my principles. It sounds like both of you instead prefer mother at home although I am not sure it is working for you both. It is also unusual even for stay at home mothers not to have left the child once in 3 years for an evening out.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a child - many cultures do it and think the British are cruel not to but that does not mean you don't have sex. You can have that during the day whilst the child has a nap or whatever.

So if you cannot talk to her about it write her an email asking her what changes she would like from you to make things better, how much you miss intimacy with her and suggesting some solutions - eg you find another couple you know to take times at babysitting so you can go out or that when the child is asleep before you to go to bed you could have sex downstairs on the sofa or whatever.

CaffeLatteIceCream Wed 24-Dec-14 21:31:27

Askmeanother You sound nasty and spiteful. And you are responding to things that the OP has not said, which suggests that you are projecting. Take your bitterness elsewhere.

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 22:55:25

Caffe do I indeed? You are being ridiculous. I find the opening post annoying. Its similar to others we have had recently - all annoying.
'Projecting'? No. I've already answered that one.
I'm sweet-natured and charming, but I don't expect you to notice that.

LostandHurt13 Wed 24-Dec-14 23:08:36

Hi Flower, funny approach sex is fun, but as I said its more than just sex, but I will try to get through to her.

thanks again,

I guest i should comment on Askmeanother, when someone comes with some questions and sincerely asks for help, you should be gracious and try your best to help a person out, just because its right thing to do.

Who knows maybe someday you might need some help and appreciate a little kindness in return.

WineWineWine Wed 24-Dec-14 23:21:45

askmeanother the OP has asked a perfectly reasonable question. If you don't like it,why should anyone else care?

OP, 2 things I would suggest you look at.
First, the support you give your wife around the home. It sounds cliché but taking over some of the housework, doing a bit of cooking, clearing etc, without being asked or expecting thanks, means a lot. It's a boring, thankless task that can really affect how a woman sees herself - there's little about housework that makes you feel really good about yourself.
Secondly, if you can't get a babysitter, you need time as a couple. No pressure for sex, but cook her dinner, cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film. Don't push it too far too quickly. Tell her there is no pressure and you will go at her speed.

JuanDirection Wed 24-Dec-14 23:23:24

In defense of askmeanother although OP seems sincere and genuine in this case, reasonably often you get blokes on here complaining about their relationship because they're not getting sex, and basically asking what the magic words are to make their wife have sex with them again. It is annoying and insulting. In case anyone reading is wondering, there aren't any magic words or tricks - women aren't robots, we're just people! Talk to each other, find out what the problems are, work on them.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Wed 24-Dec-14 23:38:26

Yes however, juan, ask me didn't give the OP a chance and just shot him down, was a bit strange I thought and not very festive/nice/helpful, but if that's how they get their kicks!

OP as a pp suggested, helping out more is a big positive. The dynamic obviously isn't working (certainly for you and likely the relationship as a whole), so that may mean a shift, whether that be housework, her starting work (if that suits you both). I'm a firm believer in having the date nights/adult time to connect again, to regain and maintain the intimacy. I think it's crucial, however making it happen is not always that easy! Good luck

AskMeAnother Wed 24-Dec-14 23:38:50

This is an open forum. I do not have to conform to the views put forward by the MN herd.

[thank you, JuanDirection. very kind of you]

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