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he says i have to give up alcohol

(55 Posts)
mumatha Wed 24-Dec-14 12:14:10

My partner says I have to give up alcohol. I barely drink at all - maybe a brandy and hot water to help me to relax and sleep every couple of weeks - but he will not tolerate this.

he is teetotal, and hates me seeing friends in pubs or anywhere where alcohol is served. and yet he is happy to down cokes in a workingmen's club which his father (who drank beer) belonged to, surrounded by other people drinking alcohol. he did not criticise his father who drank alcohol, or his best friend who is a heavy drinker. yet he says i have to give it up. it aappears it all has to be on his terms.

he is a good man in so many other ways, but is also given to bouts of raging insecurity where i am concerned if i don't return his texts quickly or if he does not know where i am. he is suspicious of my socia media accounts, and says I cannot have male friends as it looks 'improper'.

this morning is typical. he woke me at 5am, fuming, because he had been through my handbag and found a minature of brandy. i have to work today (yes really) and yet that did not matter. he also mistook a plastic cake decoration as 'mistletoe' which he then hid from me. the sad thing is it is my mother's xmas cake decoration, which i was going to return to her tomorrow. it is especially poignant as my father passed away this summer and the fact that my elderly mother had made a Christmas cake at all this year is amazing.

when i asked for it back, at first he said he didn't know where it was, then after a bit of badgering from me, he took it out of his bedside drawer and threw it at me.

i work hard at our relationship and am committed to him. and i have worked very hard to make our first xmas as a couple good with major compromises on my part as to when i see my children and my mother.

but it seems that that is not enough. what do i do?

WowserBowser Wed 24-Dec-14 12:16:36

Ugh he sounds tiresome, controlling and immature. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

Eastpoint Wed 24-Dec-14 12:17:02

Sounds like the first Christmas will be the last. It doesn't sound as if you are long-term compatible, why not split up with him & move on?

WannaBe Wed 24-Dec-14 12:18:04

Why do you have miniatures in your handbag? This would ring major alarm bells for me, as would needing alcohol to help sleep.

Bowlersarm Wed 24-Dec-14 12:19:42

Ugh, he sounds awful. Going through your handbag, dictating what you do.

You need to make conditions of your own, and stop doing what he dictates.

dirtybadger Wed 24-Dec-14 12:19:44

Sounds like a bit of a controlling bastard to me with the information provided. Of course you don't have to give up drinking. No one can make anyone do that. Of course in many relationships someone might be justified in forcing a decision "me or the drink", but, um, that's usually because the drinking is problemtic (I.e. They are an alcoholic). Yours isn't. His attitude is the problem.

oswellkettleblack Wed 24-Dec-14 12:20:36

Jesus wept. Why are you even thinking of him letting him control you like this? It's not for him to dictate to you what yo do. Get rid of him.

dirtybadger Wed 24-Dec-14 12:25:33

Missed the bit where you've been together less than a year (or at least it's early in your relationship). Cut and run, if these are just a few examples of wider controlling behaviour, which I would hazard a guess they are....

A compromise is an agreement somewhere between two options, have you made a compromise for Xmas with the things you mention or do you mean you've gone along with what he wanted? A compromise is something you do with someone (so by necessity both have compromised)...

oswellkettleblack Wed 24-Dec-14 12:25:53

The isolating you from mates, 'insecurity', ordering you not to have male friends, those are classic red flags. Bin him now.

magpieginglebells Wed 24-Dec-14 12:26:44

Bloody hell, if this is your first Christmas together then get out now! You should still be in the honeymoon period and not dealing with this shit. Do you live together?

Mulderandskully Wed 24-Dec-14 12:28:37

I can think of all sorts of innocent reasons you might have a miniature (or indeed, a full sized bottle) in your bag.

I agree this relationship sounds pretty miserable. Isn't it worth calling it a day now, at this early stage?

magoria Wed 24-Dec-14 12:29:37

You can't have male friends.

You must give up drinking.

He goes through your hand bag.

He doesn't like you going to pubs or places with drink.

He gets upset if you don't text him back fast enough.

He doesn't like your social media accounts.

He hides your stuff no matter how trivial, lies about it and then flings it at you.

Soon you will have to stop going out even with female friends incase there is a man in the same building.

Soon you will have to go to work and then straight home accounting for the 10 minutes you are late if there is traffic.

Maybe you will even have to leave your job if any men work there because you aren't allowed near them.

Get away fast.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 24-Dec-14 12:29:42

This is your first Christmas together? Give yourself a present and get rid of him today.

This can only get worse. Going through your bag and hiding cake decorations? Have you any idea of how fucking ridiculous that is?

Allingoodfaith Wed 24-Dec-14 12:30:28

You can get the hell out of the relationship. Sounds like my ex. This will not end well. Spiteful, controlling and immature are not good traits in anybody.

wannabe it doesn't matter what was in her handbag he should never have been in there. Many people have a night time tipple now and again to sleep she was probably hiding it because he is a controlling arse hole.

He really is controlling op as he is trying to control your behaviour. The hiding of your mums decoration then throwing it at you gave me chills as my ex did similar. You can't reason with people like this. He will make you very unhappy because he is very unhappy himself.

Run for the hills

Camolips Wed 24-Dec-14 12:30:37

Wtf was he doing going through your handbag? Did he ask you ft? Make this Christmas your last and look forward to the future without him.

Egghead68 Wed 24-Dec-14 12:31:30

LT controlling B.

(And I think it is a bit odd to be carrying brandy round with you. )

Coyoacan Wed 24-Dec-14 12:31:40

I have worked very hard to make our first xmas as a couple good with major compromises on my part as to when i see my children and my mother

How can you let anyone dictate when you see your children? I presume they are adult, but really?

Quitelikely Wed 24-Dec-14 12:36:32

Be careful. You're in an abusive relationship. His grip on you will only get tighter.

Don't try to make him see sense, it will be impossible because all he wants to do is control you. If you don't let him control you he will have a melt down.

GritStrength Wed 24-Dec-14 12:41:43

Whoah, don't walk away, run away.

LineRunner Wed 24-Dec-14 12:43:45

What do you do?

Do yourself a massive favour, and do your children and family a favour, and dump this weird loser.

tribpot Wed 24-Dec-14 12:43:48

The problem is far wider than you 'having' to give up alcohol. Even if you did, he would insist you stop going to the pub - he wants you not to have a social life.

This is not insecurity. That's a word chosen to make it sound like something you can fix by making him feel more secure.

Why are you compromising on when you see your children and your mother? Put them ahead of this entitled loser.

MaxsMummy2012 Wed 24-Dec-14 12:51:47

You've made compromises about when you see your children and recently widowed, still grieving mother! Seriously is that the kind of relationship you want, where your children and mother have to be compromised over?! Get rid!

LineRunner Wed 24-Dec-14 12:54:20

Even if your children are adults, they do not need the shit that this man is already bringing to your life.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-Dec-14 13:03:11

Never saw a clearer case of LTB.

Run away, run away. The good bits don't matter because the bad bits spoil everything.

ouryve Wed 24-Dec-14 13:06:52

Get rid.

It's all been said. He's a controlling arsehole already and you don't even have much history together.

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