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Dear husband..

(21 Posts)
Deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 24-Dec-14 11:46:44

I am so close to calling time on our marriage. It is now 12 years since we last had sex. I am utterly broken. You know I am unhappy yet still you do nothing to stop me leaving. I know your mum is dying. I'm trying desperately hard to show you I'm still here & I love you & I could be your future but you don't want me. Our marriage is dying & it'll be gone before your mum if you don't sit up & take notice. We don't do anything together. You won't touch me let alone spend any real quality time with me like sharing a bath. How can we carry on? You tell me you've bought me no presents. I can cope with all that if we can find some kernel to hold on to. I feel so alone. This will be a dreadful Christmas.

Cantbelievethisishappening Wed 24-Dec-14 11:48:57

So sorry you are going through this flowers

scallopsrgreat Wed 24-Dec-14 11:51:53

Oh sweetheart flowers

You may not be able to change this Christmas but you could change next Christmas.

I think you know what you need to do. Sending you some strength to get through the next few days x

Velvetbee Wed 24-Dec-14 11:55:58

Walk away, my love. You are so deserving of joy, don't spend any more time or energy on this man.

heyday Wed 24-Dec-14 12:01:36

Have you been able to talk to each other at all? It sounds very painful for you both. Perhaps he does still love you but things have got so bad he doesn't know how to make things better. Do you think he could be depressed?

The death of a loving relationship can be incredibly painful to experience and sadly the grieving often starts before the final breath is taken.
You have shared your pain and loneliness to us on MN. Do you have the will or strength to take steps to make your life better? 12 years is a long time to be lonely. How many more years do you want to endure this for???
You have some tough choices to make.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 24-Dec-14 12:33:43

I've been holding out so I could at least support him through the death of his beloved mum. After 20 years together she's my mum too now. It's just so gut-wrenchingly hard to carry on sometimes. Our dd will be coming out of mental hosp today to spend a night or two if she can manage it & I need to be strong. Trouble is, she can sense my angst no matter how hard I try to hide it & it sends her over the edge. We had a new kitchen put in recently with a lovely double oven as we could never fit a whole roast in the tiny old one. Now dh says I'm not allowed to use both ovens because of the electric bill! I said 'but it's xmas'? hmm If we can't use it now when can we? This is a man who earns a 6 figure salary! I want to shake him up & say 'Look! I'm young, slim & pretty, full of joy & sunshine inside, I want to LIVE, join me'!! Sadly he can't/won't hear.

heyday Wed 24-Dec-14 12:43:41

Sounds like you have always bowed down to his wants and needs and that has become the norm. If you re read your last message surely you can see how ridiculous it all is? Why are you staying? You can still visit your mil without being in a relationship with her son.
So what will happen if you did dare to use both ovens on Christmas day? Will he just sulk and huff and puff? Does he get aggressive?
You need to be strong for your daughter but realistically you are surely going to be more support for her if you are out of this negative, controlling relationship. If he has a good salary then you will be entitled to some of this as a settlement.
If your daughter has mental health problems then there is a real chance that she could have inherited it from her dad? Does he have MH problems too?
We can give you advice on here but it is you alone that can find the strength/courage to finally leave him. The ball is in your court. Sounds like you will both be happier apart.

Quitelikely Wed 24-Dec-14 12:45:17

You believe that if your husband suddenly changed you would be happy, contented right?

I'm not so sure, going by here, your scenario unfolds, the woman threatens to leave, only when he realises she is serious does the man start to change but by then the woman starts seething with anger and resentment that he treat her badly for all those years and wonder if she can ever forgive........,..,.

Believe me, for twelve years you have been miserable, do you really think this man can make you happy? I don't. He's selfish, won't let you use the new oven fgs!

Six figure salary? Brilliant I hope you have a lovely house and savings account that you can set yourself up with. I'm guessing you know you'll be entitled to a slice of everything you own together, often the woman gets more than 50/50.

If you're great, fun and feeling alive believe me when I say there is a man somewhere more suited to you than your dh, a man who will appreciate you, let you use his oven, yes really.

Without sounding rude, your marriage is a sham, a cover story and it's no marriage at all.

Sending you courage.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-Dec-14 13:17:02

Are you sure he even wants your love and support?

Deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 24-Dec-14 13:17:52

Dear husband, there are 13 years between us & you're tired & worn out. I'm sorry I was moody this morning. Sometimes my sex drive gets the better of me, then I get moody with frustration. Now I've had a break in town I'll come home & try harder to at least make tonight & tomorrow more fun for all of us. Unfortunately, it will be with the knowledge that this will be our last Christmas. In my head I'll be dancing round the bedroom in my bra & knickers wrapped in the fur bed-throw for your entertainment. ...enjoying a joint bubble bath with candles & wine, sharing knowing smiles as we play games with the kids.....whilst in reality, trying my very hardest not to shed a tear over my broken heart, before going to bed to sleep alone again as usual.

inlectorecumbit Wed 24-Dec-14 13:22:36

Not only do you need to be in a happy environment for yourself but it sounds like your DD needs some stability and a calm peaceful DM.
I think it's time for you to admit defeat and mourn the death of your relationship. Get some legal advice after Christmas and plan for a new start in 2015.

Twinklebells Wed 24-Dec-14 13:28:56

have you posted about him before?

He does sound utterly joyless and cruel. I hope you find a way to leave.

Vicks72 Wed 24-Dec-14 14:25:02

You have posted about this several times with the same advice given to you. He will not change, you will not be happy & you are not doing your ill daughter any favours by staying with him. You deserve to be happy - leave him & get on with your life.

Vicks72 Wed 24-Dec-14 14:26:06

Just realised that sounds a bit harsh! It's not meant to be x

Jingalingallnight Wed 24-Dec-14 14:33:58

This sounds familiar. If you are the poster I think you are, you really need to get gone!!!

Deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 24-Dec-14 15:17:45

Well, that worked well. I came hm happy & refreshed & he's in a stinking mood. 'If I really loved him' etc etc. I'd never mention sex or intimacy ever again & be happy with it. I really wanted to support him through his mums imminent death. I'm not going to be able to do that. The situation is untenable. My happiness is his misery & vice versa. Just need xmas out of the way before I pull us apart for ever. Sadly, it's his birthday shortly after. What a rotten time of year to have to do this. I hope he manages to buck up a little before we collect dd.

Deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 24-Dec-14 15:54:31

Now he tells me I've 'lost the plot' & he 'Doesn't know what I'm trying to do'. Well I'll tell you darling, I'm not trying to save our marriage any more. why oh why did I put on nice clothes & do my hair & make-up? I just need to learn to button my lip because everything I say upsets you. Let us make it through to boxing day for the kids sake, then we're done. Merry bloody Christmas!

Wombat22 Wed 24-Dec-14 16:08:18

What a very sad thread. Get out op for your own sanity. You deserve so much more thanks

Jb291 Wed 24-Dec-14 23:43:11

OP. I'll be as gentle as possible. I think you know that your marriage has come to an end and probably ended in any meaningful sense quite a while ago. I know you are trying to prop the relationship up for the sake of his dying mother, but at some point there must come a moment where you have to stand your ground and decide not to live like this any more. For the sake of your sanity sweetheart, please get yourself some legal advice and set the wheels in motion to finally put an end to this sham of a relationship. You and your daughter deserve freedom and happiness and this man is dragging you both down.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Thu 25-Dec-14 21:33:28

^^ You are the king pin on which everything is swinging. I know his DMum is ill and it'll then be his birthday but you must take care of YOU. Your 'D'H won't and your DD cannot. Don't break yourself in this process OP. Have a peaceful few days and then make your move, he doesn't deserve you.

Happyandsimple Thu 25-Dec-14 21:48:55

Hello, sorry I haven't read all responces, I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be so hard for you , with him going through that, you must find it hard to share how your feeling, your important hun, and dont you forget it, were all here for you.

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