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Want to hibernate til Feb to get away from my family

(26 Posts)
TheGrinch2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 20:33:53

I am having a royally shit time.

Over the last two weeks I have had a miscarriage and big upheaval at work . Due to my circumstances I only took one day off work and did not have time to feel any real emotion. Three days ago I have found out that my brother is having an affair (he got married in September but has been with his wife for 7 years). He has behaved terribly and lied to all of us.

I am now under immense pressure from my family to offer him 'support'. I don't support him at all, what he did was calculated and he deserves to feel guilty and sorry for himself. I have told him that I am his sister and that I will not abandon him but also that I am angry with him, but apparently this is not enough. I wanted to say (but didn't) that he didn't contact me once about my miscarriage and no one picked him up on this. So why am I being targeted for not being supportive about an affair that should never have happened?

I was especially upset when a comparison was made to a time when my brother supported me when I was struggling with an eating disorder as a teen. You do not choose to have an eating disorder, but you do choose an affair- right?

With the miscarriage and work, I forgot to tell DH that we are supposed to be going to my mum's for boxing day, not staying at his mums as he thought. My brother is now going to be at my mum's for boxing day (not with his wife of course...) and DH is refusing to go because he is so angry at my brother. I don't wish to see my brother either as I have nothing to say to him and everything is still very raw, but I will be there to avoid any further conflict with my parents.

What I WANT to do is crawl into bed and not come out again for a long time. I don't want Christmas and I don't want to deal with any more phone calls, emails or texts about any more family drama. I want to be selfish and be by myself. Should I be being more 'supportive'? How can I support my brother when a) I think he is an absolute pig and b) I am feeling very fragile myself at the moment.

Can you tell I have no one to talk to about this sad Have name changed.

RandomMess Tue 23-Dec-14 20:43:48

TBH I would be very honest and tell them, I'm not coping with the miscarriage and what has happened I just can't face a few days of being festive and around people I need to spend my time off in bed taking it easy.

Let them like it or lump it, hugs flowers

MummyBeerest Tue 23-Dec-14 20:48:55

Maybe not til Feb, but til January at least.

You've been through a lot and need rest.

flowers

anicesitdownandshutup Tue 23-Dec-14 20:58:41

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Doesn't sound like your family are considering your feelings.
Could you just not turn up on boxing day? Just take a duvet day

TheGrinch2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 21:11:34

Thank you for the flowers. Feel slightly better for getting that off my chest.

I am already at in-laws for Christmas Eve and Day so I don't feel like going back home is an option. The option would be to just stay there for Boxing Day instead (going home in the evening).

My parents were meant to be going to my in-laws too for these days, but now they are staying at home with my brother so he isn't on his own. My mum came round earlier and made it clear she was expecting me for Boxing Day.

I was worried I was coming across as selfish. I know I need to be in a more relaxed situation over these days as I had been dreading Christmas following the miscarriage. I'd imagined all the extended family saying congratulations etc (I'd be 11-12 weeks). Seeing my brother and having to deal with that too will make me feel even worse. I can't see how I can help the situation for anybody!

On the other hand, my parents have already had to suddenly change their Christmas plans and will be having quite a miserable Christmas already. Me turning down Boxing Day will make that worse for them.

What to do!

Hissy Tue 23-Dec-14 21:15:46

you have every right to cancel christmas if that's what you want to do.

if your db is going to your mums (he's changed plans) you can change plans too. go to MIL instead.

bugger the consequences. you've done nothing wrong. you don't agree with cheating, and believe in truth and marriage. if that offends cheats and liars <shrug> not your problem.

my love, please do what feels right for you. with a lot like that, i'm not surprised you had issues with food etc. well done you for fighting them.

you were strong then, it's time for you to be strong now.

'H and I will be going to MIL's instead, it's best for us, and best for all that we do'

then

we've made our decision.

you don't have to put up with this, you deserve better, and you deserve to be with people that care and want you to be happy/loved/cared for.

please change plans, you need the break

Hissy Tue 23-Dec-14 21:20:24

your parents have made a decision to back despicable behaviour towards their dil, and in general. that's the reason why they have had their plans changed.

as it goes, tbh, your db deserves to be on his own, and he's not 5yo, he can (and should) be left. he's created his own mess, let him sit in it. if your parents had an ounce of decency they'd be round to the dil to see if she needed someone to sit with her!

your dm coming around telling you to go to hers is utterly unreasonable.

go to your ils and stay there. keep out of the drama of others and focus on being your own best friend, and taking good care of yourself.

i'm sorry about the mc, that was always the point I lost them at, it sucks. fingers crossed you'll get one that sticks (((hug)))

TheGrinch2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 21:20:30

Thank you Hissy flowers

I might just do that.

You are right, I had many years of giving in and feeling like I owed something to them, but I don't think I do.

I will try and explain this to my mum tomorrow and hope she doesn't take it too badly.

TheGrinch2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 21:22:00

FWIW, I am going round to see my SIL to give her her Christmas presents and a hug- nobody deserves this.

Hissy Tue 23-Dec-14 21:24:52

I predict she will take it badly... manipulators always do.

stay strong, you know you can be strong, you had to be to recover from the eating disorder... so you need to tap into that strength again now.

big difference this time... you're not alone! you have your dh and you have us!

inform them that you are going to IL ans staying there, don't ask.

we've made the decision that is right for us.

tribpot Tue 23-Dec-14 21:28:48

I don't think you explain it to your parents. They clearly expect you to play a certain role within the family and it's to fall in line and be the good girl and they don't want to hear that you want to do something different.

You simply say: DH and I need some time and space to grieve this pregnancy and so we will be going home on Boxing Day.

That's it. The end. It's not for debate, you're not asking for permission. You are tired and you need to rest and recuperate. If necessary you can say it is doctor's orders.

Sorry you have such a surreal and exhausting time of it, OP. Be kind to yourself and prioritise your own needs.

anicesitdownandshutup Tue 23-Dec-14 21:31:34

Tribpot is spot on.
He's their son, not yours. You can support him when you choose and when you are mentally and physically better able.

TheGrinch2014 Tue 23-Dec-14 21:33:44

I feel like you have all met my family... I certainly have always had that role tribpot! And it really has been a strange few weeks.

I am starting to see why DH put his foot down about Boxing Day too. We just want some space away from all this mayhem.

ishouldcocoaHoHoHoHoHo Tue 23-Dec-14 21:35:51

The Grinch. Somewhere there is a foreign expressions thread. The Polish have a saying that goes along the lines of "Not my circus, Not my monkeys". In other words... It's not my problem.

Suggest you take some time off and look after yourself before you deal with other peoples problems.

ihatethecold Tue 23-Dec-14 21:40:09

thegrinch
You come across as a lovely person.
Be kind to yourself.

tribpot Tue 23-Dec-14 21:59:06

TheGrinch there was a poster this time last year who was in a similar position, of being expected to show to support for a cheating sibling, and it was all about presenting a façade of family cohesion to the outside world. She discovered over time how deeply enmeshed she was in the role playing and found it very difficult to break away from her assigned role as a secondary, 'support' character in the family. Hopefully she is still around and may see your post.

I completely agree with your DH, btw. Neither of you have to dance to your family's tune. It suits them that you feel you have to in order to keep the peace. I notice nobody else is expected to do stuff to keep the peace.

iloverunning36 Wed 24-Dec-14 19:08:41

Yes show compassion to yourself, you deserve it. Do what you want/need to do for your recovery. Your brother chose his actions and if I was his mother I'd be letting him be alone on Xmas days so that he could experience the consequences of his own actions and hopefully learn from them. Your family has behaved badly in pressuring you. flowers

Jb291 Wed 24-Dec-14 23:28:18

You poor love, no wonder you;re feeling battered and fragile. Coping with a miscarriage is emotionally gut wrenching enough, that coping with work upheaval as well would be very very difficult to manage, but having to deal with family drama as well, would seriously test anyone's emotional and mental limits. Please OP, take some time for just yourself and your husband, if necessary, can you leave after lunch tomorrow, your in laws if they have any decency will understand that you desperately need some space and cant cope with any more upset. You should feel absolutely no guilt at wanting to stay at home, you need rest and time, and space, and anyone who doesn't want to give it to you should be referred immediately to this board where they will be soundly told off.

TheGrinch2014 Thu 25-Dec-14 03:09:50

Thanks all. Brother was in an accident at work and was badly injured so went round this morning. He didn't say much at all to me, not sure what he is thinking or feeling. DM giving him lots of hugs and cups of tea, it was all quite strange. Told her I would go round Boxing Day Eve briefly to do gifts but not for whole day. She was a bit miffed.

Went to see sil today too- she is utterly heartbroken, it was so upsetting to see. I have never seen anyone so upset. It was clear the affair will affect her far more than it will my db. I am awake at gone 3 in the morning because I feel so sick and angry and sorry for her. And just generally tired, emotional and unwell too. I am regretting saying I would go over on b day at all now.

I'm ok when everyone is awake and chatting to me, but I have cried myself to sleep for quite a few nights now. I want to fix everything but there is nothing I can do. It never rains it pours, even at Christmas. I hope everyone else is having a more cheery Christmas than me!

Adarajames Thu 25-Dec-14 03:26:39

You poor love, you do sound so utterly drained and not surprising x

Just because you told your mother you'd go round boxing day, doesn't negate your right as an adult to change your mind. If you want to stay home with peace and quiet and rest, then that's exactly what you should do.

I'm sure you'd reccomend that to a friend in a similar situation, so be that kind friend to yourself, and be kind and gentle to yourself and rest and recover.
Warm wishes sent to you x

whatnow2 Thu 25-Dec-14 06:50:18

shock when was your brother in an accident? That sounds awful.

You sound very down and sad TheGrinch. Is there a chance you could go away with your dh for a couple of days so that you could eat, sleep and rest away from the everyday pressures of your life? It sounds like you really need more time to process your miscarriage which I am very sorry about sad.

If it's any consolation I am also having a rubbish Christmas and can only sleep a few hours at night before I wake up worrying in despair. It looks like all the problems in my marriage are going to culminate in separation, h is behaving as if I am not here and communicating only with the dc - the pain is awful.

I hope you get the space and rest that you need, that your SIL finds the support she needs (and you sound like a lovely SIL to her) and that your brother recovers from his accident.

whatnow2 Thu 25-Dec-14 06:51:36

(And Merry Christmas flowers).

ihatethecold Thu 25-Dec-14 11:33:24

Merry Christmas grinch. X

Gfplux Thu 25-Dec-14 16:42:21

I think you need a list.
Yes a list of people who are important in your life. You need to write this down so it means something more than a day dream.
Put the date at the top then a numbered list.
Number one must be you. Those that say no just want to be martyres. You have to be number one so that the list makes sense.
Number two normally is your partner in life (if not why not)
Then continue the list.
After finishing, editing, changing the list....... Slowly look at it, yes really look at it. This list will then tell you how and who you support.
Hope this makes sense.
Good luck

TheGrinch2014 Sat 27-Dec-14 23:48:05

Very good ideas. My partner have been thinking hard about our priorities over the last few days.

Minimal contact from my DPs over Christmas. Boxing Day trip cancelled as DM went to visit DB in hospital instead.

It became clear today that my DB has been lying to my DP and that they had no idea of the scale of his affair or how badly he has been treating my SiL since. I won't go into details.

My (lovely and totally non-confrontational) DH went over today to talk with my DPs calmly to explain that they don't know the full story. They were absolutely heartbroken and admitted that they had been angry with us for not supporting my brother but that they now understand (good!). My parents apologised for asking us to support my brother and for putting us in an awkward position. Who knows where we will go from here but I am pleased the truth is out in the open.

Christmas Day was very hard emotionally, I thought about the miscarriage a lot. Feeling a little more hopeful today though. I have finally stopped bleeding and am looking forward to trying again soon. Have booked myself into a spa for a massage next week too. Thank you all so, so much for your support, you have all stopped me from feeling like I am going mad!

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