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Unreliable Dad and an unwashed cheque

(15 Posts)
Brodicea Tue 23-Dec-14 18:28:19

Hi all,

In a bit of a quandary over a 'gift' I received from my near estranged dad.

Bit of background:
My dad is a total arse, but for some reason I keep getting drawn back into caring about him.
Long Rant:My dad cheated on my mum throughout their marriage, a few years ago I came on here to ask for advice as my mum told me he had had an affair with her sister - I wanted to confront him, but decided best to stay out of what was essentially my mum's business. He's generally v unreliable, been in prison for fraud, lives an interesting but precarious life based in three different countries. He remarried a woman four years my senior and has two DC with her who v recently moved back to the UK. He continues to be based overseas (probably with an OW - his usual pattern - he had an OW stashed away when he found out my mum, his wife, was pregnant with me: he left her while she was in the shower in their shared flat). I also possibly have another half sister, but he has swept this under the carpet (long story). After various small and large lies, I have kept my distance from him for about five years. When my DD was born all he could say is 'thank god she's not ugly - considering how your DH isn't exactly blessed in that department.' He is generally poisonous and v narcissistic.

We had DD in the Spring and last month he and his family finally managed to make the trip to see us. They had a few lovely gifts for DD and gave us a cheque for £250. Totally surprised as he is not generous and is usually v skint. He tried a few choice comments to wind me up, but in the end everyone was so won over with DD that we had a lovely time. His wife was really lovely and warm and really helped set the tone for the day.

The next day I wrote his wife an email to say 'thanks for being so open and warm - I don't always get on well with my Dad, but you made the day work'. FIVE minutes later he emailed to say 'don't cash that cheque'. I said 'OK - when can we cash that cheque' and he said 'I will let you know.'

Meanwhile one of my little half siblings was on Facebook detailing a list of expensive gifts (not even for Xmas) recently bought. But I thought, well, I guess he has to look out for the kids ahead of his grown up DD. Fair enough.

FFWD to last week - they were supposed to come up to see us after Xmas. I asked him what time they were aiming to arrive and he said 'sorry, I meant to say we're having Xmas overseas'. I replied 'OK no worries. Can you let me know when / if we can cash the cheque: if we can't, I'll destroy it no problem'. No reply.

I am tempted to just destroy it. I feel like that money is tainted. He has set me up in a dynamic whereby I 'need' him and I always seek to avoid it. The vindictive part of me wants to cash it but I don't want to ruin Xmas for his family. I should destroy it right? Should I tell him or is that manipulative?

Brodicea Tue 23-Dec-14 18:28:48

un-cashed not unwashed fgrin

furcoatbigknickers Tue 23-Dec-14 18:30:44

Did he give you the cheque as show to current wife?

SirVixofVixHall Tue 23-Dec-14 18:32:00

Bank it and hope it goes through.

Brodicea Tue 23-Dec-14 18:35:54

That did occur to me furcoat - maybe he just wanted to look like the great dad in front of her. I had thought about emailing her and saying 'I asked dad if I could cash that cheque yet but he hasn't replied'....

furcoatbigknickers Tue 23-Dec-14 18:45:55

I don't know bank it? Destroy it? Email his wife. I think unless you desperatley need the cash I'd be tempted to destroy but make sure you decline future cheques and be open about why. Poor you, hes a card.

DurhamDurham Tue 23-Dec-14 18:50:34

I'd bank it and hope it goes through. You won't be doing anything wrong, the cheque has been made payable to you. He's not skirt if they are spending Christmas abroad. He sounds like a completely useless father though so you really don't need him in your life, or in the life of your little girl.

Brodicea Tue 23-Dec-14 18:51:03

Money would be useful, was planning on buying a new car seat for DD and other bits for her, but it isn't pressing.

Dh suggested I email and say 'if I don't hear from you in a week I'll assume I am to destroy the cheque. Please don't offer me money you don't have in future'

Cluffyflump Tue 23-Dec-14 18:53:58

Just cash it.
I'm sure he'll wiggle his way through no matter what!
Sorry you're dad is crap wine

inlectorecumbit Tue 23-Dec-14 19:52:16

cash probably won't hear from him again tho if you do but from the sounds of it it would be no loss.

gamerchick Tue 23-Dec-14 19:54:19

just cash it.. if it bounces it bounces. No harm done I don't think?

NoArmaniNoPunani Tue 23-Dec-14 19:57:01

Your dad sounds a lot like mine - affairs, fraud, prison.

I think I would cash the cheque

Tattiebogle Tue 23-Dec-14 20:00:27

My father as well.

TheHatInTheCat Tue 23-Dec-14 20:05:42

Definitely cash it. Sounds like he owes you big time.

DorothyBastard Tue 23-Dec-14 20:07:22

Cash it. If it bounces and he gets charged, more fool him for showing off in front of his wife.

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