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Recovering From Abuse

(7 Posts)
VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 23-Dec-14 16:55:37

Gradually over the last year I have accepted that DC's dad was - and is - abusive. We've been separated for over three years; I ended the relationship after he went to hit me whilst I was holding DC. Last year he tried to kill me. Following this he was only allowed supervised contact as ordered by SS. We've just finished in the court system where the CAFCASS officer backed down on all the points he made in his report, and the magistrates restarted unsupervised contact, including overnights.

This is obviously a compressed version of events.

Someone else has been doing handovers since then (as well as having done the supervision before things were changed) so I haven't had to have any direct contact with him, aside from a coffee I had to have recently to discuss DC staying over, as last time he had DC, DC was still in nappies and using a dummy.

He is still of the mindset that he did nothing wrong, despite having accepted a caution from the police, and the court ruling that DV was irrelevant has only increased this.

I'm finding this really difficult to get my head around. I keep doubting myself and the decisions I have made. Quotes from the personal statements both he and his mother made to the court feel like they're burnt into my brain. Meeting with him recently was necessary (I could only manage him / the conversation if it was face to face, or knew he would twist everything and pretend I'd never told him) but damaging to my progress. I'm in a new, healthy relationship, but all of the damage done by exP seems to be never ending. I know DF isn't anything like exP, but I'm so on edge all the time waiting for red flags. Not even the possibility of them - I feel like it HAS to happen at some point. Things were fine until after the final court hearing where my head was completely messed with. I'm frightened that the damage he's done to the way I view myself, other people, and any relationship will never be repaired. He successfully isolated me from almost anyone during the time we were together, and I'm still recovering from that.

The latest is him getting very antagonistic about a birthday party DC is going to on one of his weekends. It's a lunch time party so I have suggested he collects DC a little while after the party finishes, which is only a few hours after he's supposed to be collecting. He's given me 'permission this time, but don't go making a habit of it'. By the end of the text exchange (I stayed clam but unmoving, saying it was important for DC to attend the party) he twisted it around, finishing with telling me I shouldn't turn it into an argument because it's Christmas. Once again i'm doubting my sanity.

I don't know exactly why I'm posting. Understanding from people who have been there, mutual support for those that are going through it - I looked at the 'support for emotional abuse' thread but felt like I didn't quite belong, with it being the after affects that are causing the issues. Realizing the impact and severity of the abuse is a difficult progress.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sometimes just saying everything helps.

Twinklebells Tue 23-Dec-14 17:09:14

I don't have the answers but I think you are very brave. I am haunted by stuff that happened years ago, it doesn't really leave you does it. But I think in time you learn to live with it. I would suggest your ex was not only abusive he gaslighted you too. The doubting yourself is a classic symptom of that I think.

Have you had any counselling or done the freedom programme? I wonder if one or both could be of any help to you?

lateblooming Tue 23-Dec-14 18:55:52

VoldysGoneMouldy I am really fuming to see how CAFCASS and the court let you down.
yeah definitely go to counselling to understand your relationship patterns. It takes time to undo this kind of brainwashing where he makes you believe that it is all your own fault.
After finishing my relationship I has lost all ability to make a decision and was carrying a huge guilt. I am getting better and more assertive which shows in my results at work. But it took a lot of counselling. Definitely a long process you need all the help you can get! flowers

heyday Tue 23-Dec-14 20:58:42

Recently I was threatened and manipulated by my daughters ex bf. I tried to protect myself and my family and he seethed with rage that I dare to stand up to him.
No matter what I said, he twisted it, turned it into an argument and used it for yet another excuse to threaten me with physical violence,
People like these will twist every single thing. They will turn everything around to make everyone else look like the villain; will go on and on until you doubt your own sanity.
Stand firm. Cut contact to absolute bare minimum. Don't get into discussions or arguments. State your case then stop all further communication.
He will continue to mess with your head for a very long time to come. It's all-out war now and in war there are no rules, just hatred and savagery.
Stay strong. Your friends on MN will be here for you. Do not let this man destroy your now much happier life.

Handywoman Tue 23-Dec-14 21:56:53

Have you had counselling, OP?

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 24-Dec-14 11:03:48

I'm on the waiting list for counselling. Am getting some group support from a DV group, who are being fantastic, but it's the way my head is sent into a tail spin after every conversation that is causing me issues. Amoungst other things, at least. He still manages to make me feel like I'm crazy, like I'm to blame, to doubt that it was an issue. I know it was him, but the doubt he's placed in my mind about where the blame lies seems to be eating away at my sanity.

freemanbatch Wed 24-Dec-14 12:32:10

I've just recently been threatened by the court with losing my kids if I didn't allow contact with the father even though it was SS advice that it stopped and the eldest's educational psychologist says it shouldn't be happening. The court reporting social worker has refused to report any of the evidence from professionals and has instead filled a report with his allegations against me, with no evidence.

I can see how the judge made the threat based on the supposedly independent evidence she had so I'm trying just to go with it. It's not easy and some of the things he and his parents have done in the last few weeks since contact restarted have been pure evil but one thing is becoming clear and that is that the kids see him for what he is now.

It's not easy and I guess it never will be but I know the date at which he can no longer do anything to me, it might be many years away but it isn't as long as the number of years I was married to him and it decreases by the day :-D

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