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Wise advice please from you wise ladies!(13 Posts)
Hi all, yet again returning to this board and hoping for some wise advice to get me through the festive period. Cut a very long story short, my dh and I have not been happily married for years (just re-read my first post on the subject, 4 bloody years ago!!).
My main problem is this; I finally asked him to leave back in May. We were apart for 3 months. He changed in ways I could never imagine, went to weekly counselling to overcome his destructive behaviour (towards me), got help for his self-esteem, tried to get a better job etc, basically lots of things I'd wanted him to do for years. He treated me awfully for years which he readily admits, lots of gaslighting, passive aggressive, negative behaviours. Our lives were so unhappy.
Now, my problem is this (trying to make it short whilst he's out!). I just don't think I love him enough anymore. There, I've said it. I feel so full of resentment for so many things and I just can't get past it. I'm having counselling and on anti-depressants. I have tried and tried to make it work for years, in a desperate attempt to keep my family together but I just don't think I can do it anymore. He will be beyond devastated, but he is my fourth child and I just can't keep holding everything together for everyone anymore. My head and heart scream to me that it's over but I just can't face doing that to my children, but years of him letting me down, wasting our money, losing our house, being massively negative towards our children, I just can't keep pretending. He keeps hinting at sex and I just can't put a front on that anymore either. How can I do this to my children? Obviously wouldn't do anything over the holiday period. My counsellor says I have a big issue putting my needs above others, true, but I do consider my kids needs to be paramount. He's not abusive, just thoughtless, immature and hugely negative.
Not sure what I'm after here really, I'm not sure how to link to previous threads as they would probably help. However, any advice from anyone, especially people who have survived the guilt of separation much appreciated.
We are all just bundles of chemicals bumbling around this planet of ours. For a while you were attracted to him and now you are not. So let it go.
He is negative towards your kids - that's well enough to be going on with.
Nobody can force you to be married, and if you just want to not be married then you don't need any other reason to be wed to someone. The kids will get over it.
I think you honestly have to do what's best for you which it seems very obvious is to end things. Your children will be better off in the long run if you are happy and you never will be whilst with him by the sounds of it.
It sounds like you have tried for years to make the best of things and now you feel resentment and lack of love. If you want things to work out with your DH it will take a lot longer than a few months counselling - do you want to do this? if not, make an end, and if so, very good wishes to you!
How old are your kids? I broke up a marriage that was not terrible, but I wasn't happy. My younger kids were devastated initially, but four years on and we're doing ok. They were 7 and 9 at the time. We broke up as amicably as possible and still parent as a team. I still feel guilty about turning their world upsidedown like that, but I couldn't have gone on like that. It's been hard, but for me, worth it. Good luck x
This is a classic case of 'too little too lste'. Just because someone appears to be remorseful and willing to change, it doesn't mean you're obliged to forgive. Won't stop a manipulative, unscrupulous person exploiting the guilt tripping crap out of it, of course. Hold your nose, take a deep breath, feel the fear and do it anyway....
Agree with Cog. Especially about feel the fear and do it anyway. It would be the negativity that would do it for me. You can't keep forgiving endlessly crap behaviour, it sucks the living daylights out of you long term. Get to January, get advice, get started on it. He won't change but you can.
I had a friend who broke up with her DH as he had been unfaithful. The worst thing was his kids didn't miss him - 7,5 and 2. Never asked about him, wouldn't get upset when he left etc. However, since breaking up, he has really put in effort to his relationship with the kids and for them it was probably the best thing to happen.
You deserve happiness and your kids deserve to see their Mum happy
A lot of that sounds so familiar. I split up from my husband in August and although making the decision and the initial bit was hideous, I can very honestly say I am beyond glad I did it and my prominent feelings are relief, happiness and contentment. Since then, I have found out some really crappy stuff he has done so am even more relieved. At the time, I wrote myself a letter to read in a years time as a way to help myself think long term happiness, and it really helped.
To overcome so many years of dreadful treatment and to fall in love again is too much to ask most people. However hard he tries and however much you want it to work if it isn't happening you will just have to end it.
It's sad but sometimes the wounds are too deep and will never heal as long as he is still in some kind of relationship with you. Just being around keeps to pain raw.
everonwards I think your husband has done a big thing in finally trying to change and to really grow up and be a husband, not an arse.
6 months is still fairly early in if he's really changing, but not that early.
From what you say, he really is trying but sometimes, things are too broken. If the love has been slowly killed off you can't just wish it back. Pretending that it's back when it isn't just won't work.
You can carry on trying, but it may not work out. If not, then it is not your fault. And in fact, credit to him for trying to change. But if the relationship is too far gone, then that's all there is to it. It's better to acknowledge that than to go on unhappily.
From what you say, I personlly would suggest giving it another 3 months then see if you are feeling more positive towards him. If not, call it quits now before things start turning inwards and it becomes slowly poisonous for one or the both of you.
Just wanted to thank you all so much for your thoughtful and helpful replies at such a busy time of year. I am still stuck between so so wanting it to work, wishing I could love him like I should and desperately wanting to keep my family together. Easier at the minute as stress levels are down, we're not at work, very little moaning going on, so on come the rose tinted spectacles. However, he is still hinting heavily about our lack of intimacy and for years I have gone ahead with sex as sometimes once started I do enjoy it, other times I do it for him as part of the 'great pretending' that is my life - but these last few months I sense a fundamental shift. I just don't want to be intimate with him. I know if I'm honest it says a lot. When we apart we got on brilliantly. To him that means there is something there worth saving, to me, especially reading a recent thread, perhaps means more along the lines of, when we takeaway all the crap and stress of our marriage, we can actually be friends.
I don't know what the future holds, I desperately don't want to hurt my children but I also know at some point I have to nourish my own self in order to be a good mum. My counselling continues in the new year, so we'll see. Thanks again for your help, so appreciated
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