Separated from wife for 4 months, wife is now 4 months pregnant by another man

[greenman99]

To cut a long story short - ish. Just over a year ago I had a conversation with my wife about the complete lack of love or care she had for me. See here for the thread from the time. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1974953-Wife-has-no-interest-in-me-physically

We have been together for almost 12 years, married for 6 and have three children aged 3, 7 and 9. Unfortunately our relationship has deteriorated dramatically over the last 12 months. I wanted to find a solution our problems but she just wanted to run away from it all, which she did and continued to stay out late (till 4am) with a male work colleague once or twice a month. I suggested relationship counselling, she refused. We spent time apart intermittently throughout spring / summer time at her request. She never once said she didn't love me anymore and indicated we just had to be 'nicer' to each other.

We separated formally (again at her request) just before the end of the summer holidays. With each of us spending half the week in the family home with our children. I knew then this was the end of marriage and life as we knew it. After a couple of months she told me she had been on a couple of 'dates' with her work colleague which I knew she had begun a relationship with at least over a year ago.

About a month ago I saw a couple of things which led me to believe she was pregnant, which she then confirmed. A mistake apparently but the only reason she could think of to have an abortion was not to hurt me! Not the effect it would have on our children.

Following the confirmation of her pregnancy I decided to move back into our family home full time as I and the kids needed some stability. And the only reason I moved out because my wife said we needed to spend time apart and deal with the day to day drudgery of life on our own. Which clearly wasn't the case. We have been separated 4 months and she is 4 months pregnant.

I have spoken to a solicitor and will begin divorce proceedings next month. I have also spoken to a mortgage advisor and think I can probably buy my wife out of our house next year also.I had a particularly bad spell (emotionally) when my wife confirmed she was pregnant, however seeing the solicitor and mortgage advisor has helped a bit in knowing practically I can have some control over some parts of my life again.

I have very supportive family & friends who are always there to listen or to help however it's emotionally where I've fallen apart. I still love my wife, you can't just turn that off. Yet as she keeps telling me she “has moved on, people move on”. But the apparently unplanned pregnancy has just blown me away. It seems unreal. I can;t believe this is my life.

My wife believes our children are accepting of what is happening but she is wrong. I spend far more free time with them and they are not coping with this. Let alone what will happen over the next 6 months. They will move into a new rented house with my wife, then within a couple of months the father of the baby will move in and then a new baby will arrive in June! The father of the baby is 40. Has never been married. No kids. Rents a flat. No car.

I am so hurt and broken over the cheating and lying from my wife over the last 18 months but so angry at her about the life she is creating for our children.

Can anyone offer any advice. Has anyone out there been through something similar and made it out the other end?

[BreakingDad77]

I feel sorry for you as you have been shafted royally and she with her new man is going to play happy families.

I don't know if you have, but may wish to seek some counselling for what you have gone through.

In addition have you checked exaclty what financially she will be getting half of in terms of your assets.

[Hissy]

i suggest that you buy her out and ask her to leave. the kids stay with you. They can visit her when they are happy to do so.

she has been cheating on you for a long time, you know this. time to stop deluding yourself my love and face the truth of the matter.

You have absolutely every right to be angry. she has been ridiculously selfish.

those children need their dad, they need stability and your STBXW can't give her that.

My love, 'this' is not your life. Your life is what is waiting for you when you let go of this deceitful woman.

[MeMyselfAnd1]

Erm... I think you need to accept that your wife checked out of the marriage long before you think. People don't have affairs when happy in a relationship, and having children doesn't mean that you have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You need to let her go.

As Breakingdad said, you need to seek some counselling to deal with the feelings originating from this situation. You also have to be careful not to hurt your own children with your pain. Remember that it is not divorce that damages children, but witnessing all the arguments, anger and resentment that preceded the divorce, so if you really want to protect them, try to keep your pain and anger away from them.

[MeMyselfAnd1]

And no, you cannot make contact between the children and their mother difficult because she had an affair. She is their mother regardless of what happened between you, so don't take that away from them.

[Tattiebogle]

Why does your wife have to get the children full time?

Cant it be you?

Why must you be the one to roll over?

Take your time and think things through.

You owe your wife and the OM absolutely nothing.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I have nothing at all helpful to add, but I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember your thread and it seemed that you were really trying everything to keep the marriage working, and she just wasn't interested in doing that. I do agree that counselling, and possibly the children staying with you at the moment, might be a way forward. Focus on the children mainly, as I'm sure you are doing, but do also take care of yourself and get some help and support around you.

[greenman99]

Yes I've had one counselling session with another booked for early January.

Assets will be divided equally although pissed off she wants half my pension when she's never been interested in them although understand that's normal.

She is moving into a rented house in the 1st week in January.Whilst I do agree she is being extremely selfish our children need to see her and her them so will probably live there during the week & with me at weekends.

I just can't believe what she has done to our lives. She didn't even try to save our little family.just ran away in pursuit of another man. And she tells me I've got to do the right thing and love & foucs on our children. Which I will but I feel like we've failed them as parents. Despite the older two understanding what is going on they can't comprehend the impact this will have on their lives.& our youngest who is not quite 4 won't ever remember their mammy & daddy living together. Just breaks my heart.

[GlitteryLipgloss]

Green man.

The sooner you let this woman go the sooner you can start re-building your life.

You admit the relationship was dead a long time before she finally said the unspoken and called it a day.

She's done you a massive favour. Your children will benefit from having TWO happy parents instead of seeing two miserable parents. iyswim.

go easy on yourself.

[greenman99]

Re: letting the children see my pain. The thing is we have never argued in front of them.never really argued at all. I absolutely wont slag my wife off in front of our children but I refuse to pretend I am happy about certain things when I'm not. I absolutely understand what my responsibilities are as a parent despite my wife not.

[greenman99]

Glittery lip gloss - that's the thing she never actually said anything.even when it was obvious she never had the guts to be honest with me.as bad as that would've been it wouldn't be worse than this. And I'm not a happy parent.not at all. Nor us my wife apaarently.

[springydaffs]

Well yes, but grief takes its time, unfortunately. The full details are only just beginning to emerge.

OP you're going to be smashed up about this, of course you will be. Go easy on yourself while your go through this horrible time. It takes time for love to die off, even though she has treated you very badly indeed.

I don't agree with 'Remember that it is not divorce that damages children' because imo divorce does damage, or at least hurt very much, children, even if it's done in the best possible way. As it is, this hasn't been done in the best possible way. I'm so sorry OP.

I agree you have to keep your intense hurt and anger away from the children. It's an extremely difficult thing to pull off but try your best for their sakes (I'm sure you already are). Great that you're getting counselling, it will help to have someone in your corner while you process that agony of all this.

[AlpacaYourThings]

I am so sorry you are going through this, greenman.

I can completely understand why you are so hurt. I would be, too.

I really feel for your children, it will be a very difficult time for them.

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

If I were in your shoes I'd be telling her to leave and I'd be keeping the children. Especially since you know nothing about this new man. Do you trust him to be a loving stepfather to your children?

[oswellkettleblack]

I would not allow her to take the kids. This could be damaging to them. See a solicitor about joint custody, 50/50, and abut your pension.

[yummytummy]

Hi op. V similar happened to me. My exh moved out after a 20 year relationship and his new partner was expecting within 2 months. I think he was with her while still with me. She had baby last week and our divorce isn't even final. It has broken me. How these people expect the one left behind to just move on just like that. It hurts like hell. Shows they never cared for existing kids. Plus ex was v physically abusive but I still didn't want him to go

So no real advice as such as I am not dealing well myself but I know how you feel and can empathise. I too dont know how to get through it but you are so incredibly lucky to have friends for support. I literally have no one and honestly struggle a lot

but you aren't alone in this experience

[Viviennemary]

You have been treated in a despicable way by your wife. She is mean, deceitful and selfish. She should get no more sympathy than a man in this situation. She must live her life as she sees fit and doesn't deserve sympathy from anyone.

[Micah]

If she's in a new relationship she won't be entitled to your pension or any (or token only, like 5p/year until re marriage) spousal maintenance.

Ime anyway. Check with your solicitor, but I think it's just divvying up your current joint assets.

[greenman99]

I don't want to keep our children away from her.they both need each other. & legally there are no grounds to keep her new 'boyfriend' away from them either.

I'm comfortable with all legal side of it as I've spoken to a solicitor.pension & asset division etc - 50/50 essentially.

It's the emotional side I'm struggling with.

Yummytummy - I really feel for you. No one to share with. Have you thought about counselling? Worth a try.

[oswellkettleblack]

50/50 joint custody is hardly keeping them away from their mother but I cannot see where it is in their best interests to foist a house move and new stepdad on them so quickly.

[Windywenceslas]

Sadly for OP pension assets form part of the current marital assets, it's very common for these to be split, or offset against other assets.

OP, never underestimate how selfishly a person will act once they've moved on in a new relationship. Your exW sounds like she's putting OM and new baby ahead of her existing children and they'll find that very hard to deal with (I've been in their position). Is there any way you can be the resident parent to them? All you can really do is be the best parent you can be, support your DCs, this is hard on them too, and try to move on with your life. Your ExW is not the person you fell in love with, that person is gone. Work on making you and DC happy. You sound like a good father.

[loafofbread]

Cant the kids stay with you where their stability is then stay with mum a couple of nights a week? Perhaps slowly increasing to more over time? She's turning their world upside down but she doesnt need to. They have you and the family home they know well. You ought to get assertive with her. Tell her the kids are staying with you.

[greenman99]

Since we have separated we have broadly split childcare 50/50. With me Fri afternoon till Monday evening then with their mam the remaining time. I think the idea is that thus will continue going forward however perhaps she will have them alternating weekends. Although that does mean I'll have them less days. Her having a new baby in June will obviously effect all this.

Unfortunately my wife is forcing a house move, step dad & new baby on them in the space of 6 months. & there is nithing i can do about it.sge loves them & thry love her & i cant come between that.Yet she still thinks they are fine.however she only looks after them during the school week and they are not fine at weekends.

Windy - I know, you're right. She not the woman I fell in live with but she is the only woman I've ever loved & I feel so betrayed. I accept I'm not perfect but I don't understand how you could treat your husband & father of your children like she has me. We were meantvto be in this together, for life. Watching our kids grow up. And our youngest child isn't even yet 4.

[simontowers2]

Id go for full time custody. I wouldnt trust this bloke to be a decent father or role model to your children given that he was happy to break a family up.

[Windywenceslas]

She'll be telling herself and anyone who listens that the kids are fine, because she wants them to be fine with it. She might even actually believe it, but I doubt it.

[greenman99]

Custody of the children isn't really an issue - they need their mammy & I don't want to make this any harder then it is for them already.

Although I am so angry at her for deciding to have another baby as it will effect all of us for the rest of our lives.

The thing is we will be parents to our children for the rest of lives & it will be no good for any of us to make it difficult.