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Getting over resentment(9 Posts)
hey all ive posted here (well, mumsnet) a couple of times and gotten good advice/and alot off my chest.
Anyhow. I went through self harm as a young teen/child. starting at around 11/12 until I was about 15. I left home at 16 and ended up in an abusive relationship (A WHOLE different story, left the relationship over 10yrs ago) in the years I was a teen at home it was awful for me. Every time i wanted to talk to my mum she'd say to me "For gods sake oreos you're dragging my mood down f---ng stop"
one thing i remember clearly is being without clothes that fit. I was about 14 and had no bras that would fit as I'd put on weight as normal growing children do and gone up a bra size. My jeans didnt fit and my leggings had holes in. I had maybe 2 pairs of trousers and a stretchy sports bra thingy (Im sure you know the ones). I asked mum and she said "Ok i'll get some clothes for you when monthly comes in" 9 months later she bought me 4 items of clothing, 2 bras, a pair of leggings that fit but broke a week later and a pair of jeans that didnt fit. I was 15 at the time. I never had anymore clothes off her.
Whenever i needed hair bobbles I was promised them (Only 50p in the local shop by the way!) but my mum never bothered to get them.
I rarely to never went to school, truancy was not taken seriously back then. they took my mum to court once a year, she never bothered to turn up then just paid the 10-30 quid fine they posted through the door.
I Wasnt allowed to take my gcses (by the school not my mum although i dont fully understand why)
My mum never supported me emotionally and spoke to me like shit.
My dad wasnt around, he was an abusive alcoholic who went to prison when i was 9, everytime i kicked off at my mum (As her lack of care made me angry) She would say "you are JUST LIKE youre f---ng father" everytime i tried to talk to her i was ignored. everytime i needed support i was ignored. when i needed money (Not "Can I have 100 pounds to go and get drunk" but " can i have 40 quid to get some tesco leggings and shirts and a new bra") I was told she'd do it on monthly, yet when monthly came my older sister got money for whatever she wanted and i didnt. my mums brother would be sent money whenever he asked but i got nothing. It seemed my mother always gave to those who didnt need it or would be relatively ok without it but always threw me under a metaphorical bus everytime i needed something. She also hit me on occasion. Only about 10 times in my entire childhood but these 10 times stayed with me. this was about 15/16 years ago and there was still a mentality of "Sometimes children need a clip around the ear" (although i got worse than a clip).
I have occasional contact with my mother, about once a month either via visits or over the phone. im supposed to be spending christmas with her this year but im dreading it,. she called me an hour ago and I just kicked off at her about everything shes done (Or Not done) to me.
Oh and everytime we argued she'd say "go play with razors" or call me an attention seeker or worse.
AIBU to go no contact? And to ask you how you'd go about fixing it?
You were neglected and emotionally abused as a child.
The road to recovery involves you making sure you know "there was nothing wrong with you" as to why she treated you like that. Because it wasn't anything about you.
Do you know that yet?
You do have a lot of issues from your childhood to sort out. There is a shit load of resentment, jealousy, betrayal and anger whirling around in your head with regards to your mother and the relationship you had with her when you were living at home. I'm not at all surprised that you went on to an abusive relationship, given that your sense of self-worth must have been at rock bottom. However, the years have past and you are now an adult, in charge of your own life and your own decisions. Do you want to have any contact with your mother or not? Do you have children of your own? Would they/are they affected by the relationship you have with your mother in a negative way? If you want to know what your mother's reasons were for being the way she was with you, are you prepared to listen and accept what she says, without kicking off? Do you want to know?
I think that now is the time to accept the fact that you had a shit childhood and consequently, a shit and abusive first relationship. Put them to bed. Think about what you can do now to make your life better. What do you need in your life to give you more self confidence, more self-worth and a better self-esteem? Life is too short to be holding onto grudges and resentments that you had no control over at that time. YOU are the only one who can make your life better.
I'm truly sorry that your early life was so pants, and I wish you all the best for a brighter, better and happier future. xx
There's a cheesy advert on TV at the moment which, in the process of telling mums 'you're doing great' mentions that parents don't have to take an exam. Because, if they did, parents like yours would be eliminated and never allowed to reproduce. You were let down not just by parents, of course. What a pity neighbours, relatives or teachers didn't spot you were being neglected and report it to someone.
Going no contact works for some people but others find it causes more problems than it solves. Letting go of resentment is also a personal thing. Nothing you can do or say will change the past or get you an apology for the pain. Whatever you decide, it's entirely what you feel will help.
Hi everyone thanks for your comments. Yes there is alot of resentment, I do have my own dd but she is soon to be 14 and does not live with me (Boarding school, loooong story) although dd has not seen her nan in nearly 15 months as mum speaks to dd like shit when im not there (and i caught her doing it once) so dd doesnt want to go there anymore. X
Ilove it sounds past time you went NC!
You have every right to do that. And maybe even you should do it for your daughter's sake. it's really not ok for her to speak to your daughter like that and your daughter needs to see you standing up to her.
How to do it? two ways.
1) Write a letter and post it saying you want no further contact. Send it recorded btw. After that if she keeps trying to contact you, get the police involved as a harassment case.
Also warn the school about her.
2) slowly go NC steathily. Be late answering her mails. Be on your way out if she calls. Say "oh yes we must catch up" but be vague about the date and never get back to her. If she says you're never around, be neutral "oh sorry, you know how it is". Soft soap on top of granite determination. If she determinedly picks a quarrel, walk away, literally. Call the police if she gets physical.
I do think that therapy or counselling might be very useful for you. The kind of background you are talking about is highly destructive in ways you can't see. Therapy isn't for everyone, but if you respond to it it can be very helpful.
good luck and hope your christmas is ok
My god. You have contact with this monstrous woman once a month? Why?
I do agree that counselling might be beneficial to you - you were the victim of abuse and you're struggling to repress your anger rather than deal with it. You can't just get over something like what happened to you. Forget about your mother and focus on your own needs.
Well, personally, I don't think we can just decide to put stuff like this ie abuse behind us without working through what happened to us. You need skilled, long term counselling to work through this. If you were treated like this from the year dot it's going to take some work to change what you were taught, therefore believed, about yourself.
Btw your mother sounds as ignorant as shit, for the record.
You say you are full of resentment, how about just plain anger? It is entirely appropriate to feel anger about this, it's actually healthy. It isn't healthy to bury stuff like this, pretend it doesn't matter. It DOES matter. You were a kid and you were neglected and abused. You didn't deserve that, you deserved to be carefully loved.
I agree that, ultimately, you can choose to step out of the shit of your childhood and leave it behind - but imo you have some work to do first so you know full well what you're putting to bed for good.
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