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Relationships

Finding out about a 12 yr affair

73 replies

nfv68rdt · 23/12/2014 10:07

In March 2014 I received an email from the OW informing me that she had been having an affair for 12 years with my husband whom I had trusted implicitly. He is also not the type of person who I would ever had thought would even have an affair, have it in him. She then sent some quite nasty texts, emails, some I replied to but kept them formal without resorting to replying like with like, i.e, bitchy and spiteful. I was also working away from home at the time and she had looked up my work email. I did come home at the end of the week after phoning my partner at the beginning of the week when I had received the email. He was very embarrassed, contrite and said he always loved us ( we have 2 girls, young adults). He swore then she had never been in the house but about a month later, courtesy of the OW it turned out she had been over once and, as i call it, had a shagathon in the house, from outside, to spare room to our bedroom. ( Incidentally when questioned as to why they had to go upstairs to our room it was because she wanted to see the view and he like a numpty fell for it- that's what a numpty he is). Th girls and I were in Tenerife, he was following on the next day post shagathon but had mentioned to her on the phone/text what he had been doing dropping us at the airport. He had not been able to get cover). He has lied to us for 12 years and as he works late anyway I had never suspected. Sometimes I could smell perfume on him and questioned where the smell was from but never thought anymore of it, I accepted his explanation of his coat being near that of his female work colleagues.
The OW has stalked him over the years before the affair was consummated as it were, sometimes when I was there, or appearing in shops, at his workplace and she targeted people he worked with, befriending them and trying to get them to leave his employment to work where she did when the OW and himself were not communicating etc etc. She had wanted him to leave us and had arranged for him to 'have time away' from us for a weekend, somewhere local, something he had told us about ( not mentioning her !) as he was going 'to sort his head out' as we had been having problems plus work related problems for him. I was ok with that not knowing she had suggested it, arranged the house he stayed in and she went over and helped him to 'think'... he still stayed with us and told her that's what he wanted. She went off in a huff then started contacting him and he responded and this is how things have gone on until Nov 2013 when he tried to finish it only for her to find an excuse to get him to do a small favour for her. She also texted him at Christmas and he responded until he saw her face to face, at her request and kicked her into touch which brings us back to the beginning paragraph of this message.
I am devastated and could list all the adjectives that I am living with now that go with an affair. I still love him but am really struggling. Have I had the misfortune to come across a rather disturbed OW and how now do I carry on. We have tried counselling which helped to a point but for me I feel that 12 years is too much for me to absorb and re establish a relationship with him especially as all the memories I have are now not what I thought. He wants us to try to re build something.
Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble but I am stuck and didn't know where else to go. Mumsnet always sounds very supportive and grounded hence this epistle.

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holeinmyheart · 23/12/2014 10:28

Well the important person in all this is YOU. What YOU want is your priority. I wouldn't reply to any contact from her at all, as what she wants is irrelevant.

You need to sit down with your DP and have a honest conversation about what you both want to do, and then work out a plan with a time scale that factors in a review.
You need to decide if you want to invest any more effort in your relationship. If you decide that you don't want to, then you need to see a solicitor. It is important to make sure that you understand your rights. Without information you could find yourself being cheated.
Best of luck and hugs. Xx