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Finding out about a 12 yr affair(74 Posts)
In March 2014 I received an email from the OW informing me that she had been having an affair for 12 years with my husband whom I had trusted implicitly. He is also not the type of person who I would ever had thought would even have an affair, have it in him. She then sent some quite nasty texts, emails, some I replied to but kept them formal without resorting to replying like with like, i.e, bitchy and spiteful. I was also working away from home at the time and she had looked up my work email. I did come home at the end of the week after phoning my partner at the beginning of the week when I had received the email. He was very embarrassed, contrite and said he always loved us ( we have 2 girls, young adults). He swore then she had never been in the house but about a month later, courtesy of the OW it turned out she had been over once and, as i call it, had a shagathon in the house, from outside, to spare room to our bedroom. ( Incidentally when questioned as to why they had to go upstairs to our room it was because she wanted to see the view and he like a numpty fell for it- that's what a numpty he is). Th girls and I were in Tenerife, he was following on the next day post shagathon but had mentioned to her on the phone/text what he had been doing dropping us at the airport. He had not been able to get cover). He has lied to us for 12 years and as he works late anyway I had never suspected. Sometimes I could smell perfume on him and questioned where the smell was from but never thought anymore of it, I accepted his explanation of his coat being near that of his female work colleagues.
The OW has stalked him over the years before the affair was consummated as it were, sometimes when I was there, or appearing in shops, at his workplace and she targeted people he worked with, befriending them and trying to get them to leave his employment to work where she did when the OW and himself were not communicating etc etc. She had wanted him to leave us and had arranged for him to 'have time away' from us for a weekend, somewhere local, something he had told us about ( not mentioning her !) as he was going 'to sort his head out' as we had been having problems plus work related problems for him. I was ok with that not knowing she had suggested it, arranged the house he stayed in and she went over and helped him to 'think'... he still stayed with us and told her that's what he wanted. She went off in a huff then started contacting him and he responded and this is how things have gone on until Nov 2013 when he tried to finish it only for her to find an excuse to get him to do a small favour for her. She also texted him at Christmas and he responded until he saw her face to face, at her request and kicked her into touch which brings us back to the beginning paragraph of this message.
I am devastated and could list all the adjectives that I am living with now that go with an affair. I still love him but am really struggling. Have I had the misfortune to come across a rather disturbed OW and how now do I carry on. We have tried counselling which helped to a point but for me I feel that 12 years is too much for me to absorb and re establish a relationship with him especially as all the memories I have are now not what I thought. He wants us to try to re build something.
Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble but I am stuck and didn't know where else to go. Mumsnet always sounds very supportive and grounded hence this epistle.
Well the important person in all this is YOU. What YOU want is your priority. I wouldn't reply to any contact from her at all, as what she wants is irrelevant.
You need to sit down with your DP and have a honest conversation about what you both want to do, and then work out a plan with a time scale that factors in a review.
You need to decide if you want to invest any more effort in your relationship. If you decide that you don't want to, then you need to see a solicitor. It is important to make sure that you understand your rights. Without information you could find yourself being cheated.
Best of luck and hugs. Xx
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You describe his behaviour as him being a "numpty"? That's the word you'd use for someone who went in to the kitchen and forgot why they'd stood up, not for someone who betrayed you and your family for years and years, spending your money secretly and having sex with another person in your bed, for goodness' sake.
Bloody hell, OP. I'm so sorry.
Agree totally with holeinmyheart about YOU taking stock to see how YOU want to move forward, be it on your own or with your partner. 12 years is an incredibly long time of deception and I can imagine how much that's hurting you.
Agree with posters above, there is a lot in your post about how she 'manipulated' and 'stalked' him - he is not an innocent victim here, he wasn't forced to do what he did. However much she may have pursued him (though I would seriously question this) he chose to be with her, to bring her to your house, to sleep with her in your bed. He chose that, he wanted that, he wanted her.
I think its very easy to not put blame on your husband, but he is inthe wrong too. He betrayed you and your family, he broke that trust for such a long time, I'm not sure it can recover. You and DH need to put sme time aside, demand total honesty and don't make any promises that you'll stay by his side. As for OW, ignore the mad cow. She's insane and probably only told you because she craved the drama. You need to think whether you can forgive this and whether he can let this woman go entirely tonfocus on rebuilding the trust with you.
Stop feeding in the OWs drama. She is pathetic and irrelevant.
I would not even attempt to forgive. The betrayal is too much.
This time next year you could be a year out of your marriage well on your way to healing. Or you could be struggling every day with how you can ever be happy with your husband again . You probably will never be at peace in the marriage. He systematically lied and fooled you for 12 years. Your best chance of happiness is starting fresh away from him. He's not an innocent in this. He made the vows, he betrayed you
I know it's a terrible shock, but you are already minimising your husband's involvement or responsibility here and painting him as a vulnerable, slightly dim, kind man who was too much of a "numpty" to defend himself against somebody's advances.
Stop even thinking about her, or her personality or anything about her at all - she has nothing to do with you.
Your husband, on the other hand, has deliberately lied to you, betrayed you, exposed you to STD's, spent money on sex with somebody else (the house booking and God only knows what else), and had sex with another woman in your own bed. Keep your blame, anger and contempt exclusively for one person - him. Don't dignify this woman, whoever she is, with a second thought.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
it doesnt matter what she did. She never made you any promises.
Your husband has lived a double life here and shes probably feeling pretty fucked up about it too . This is a 12 year relationship for him and her. Not a little affair. Her relationship with him is no less valid than yours really.
Both of you have been fucked over and betrayed by your slimy little husband who finds lying as easy as breathing.
I must say, I don't believe for a moment that your husband was forced into anything. I think he's throwing the OW under the bus and trying to blame her for everything when he's actually been treating you both abysmally. And he's getting away with it even now as you both seem to be focusing on each other and not on the shitty things he has done.
but it takes a special kind of bastard to do this for 12 YEARS
Right now though you need to get some space and distance from him to decide what you want.
I know I could never 'rebuild' this. 12 years is just... well I don't know the right words.
This is the worst betrayal.
Please stop putting this on her. Yes she was there. But if it wasn't her I would have been someone else.
12 YEARS!!! I'm almost feckin' speechless!
Have I had the misfortune to come across a rather disturbed OW and how now do I carry on
NOPE! You've had the misfortune to fall in love and have a relationship with a lying, cheating, scumbag or the highest order.
So your husband chose to put his penis repeatedly in to another woman, for 12 years(!!!!?!) and you are blaming her for being disturbed and him for being a numpty. He really has done a number on you hadn't he?
Stop focussing on her, focus on your lying, cheating, pathetic excuse of a husband and find your anger.
12 years, OP! 12 bloody years he was doing this and probably would still be carrying on if OW hadn't let you know about it. I can't believe hes even suggesting he wants to "build something". Hes been breaking it all, slowly over a decade and now he wants to "build something". Sorry OP but I would just be utterly livid at him. You dont sound that angry at him and seem to blame OW more.
He had a duty to you and your children, not her. So it doesn't matter if she chased and pestered him, as far as you and DC are concerned, he is responsible for your hurting, not OW.
I can't imagine how you can ever have some sort of decent relationship with him now after this. It would mean ALOT of emotional work from your end. This betrayal will hang over you like a dark cloud, always there in the background and it will keep coming up every time you have a little argument or something.
You have to be prepared to truly forgive him in order to live together "happily".
Are you prepared to do this, OP?
And how sorry does he feel? Is he genuinely regretful? He's gonna have to really up his game if he wants to be with you. He cant just be the husband he used to be. He needs to really really show you how much you mean to him.
Your first misfortune has been to marry a liar and a cheat. I know this as I was married to one myself and it took years for me to face up to the fact that he didn't ever have a problem with cheating on me - he only had a problem with me finding out.
Don't try to minimise your husbands role in this, it will only make you deeply unhappy, as you know deep down he is responsible for his own actions and they are telling you something you really don't want to know about how he sees you and your marriage.
OP I feel for you. You may well find that it isn't possible to come to terms with this. It is a betrayal of the highest order and if she hadn't told you he would still be doing it.
I agree that you should put distance between yourselves for a few weeks to see how you feel without him in your life.
Could you trust him in those few weeks though? Would you worry he was with the OW?
You seem to be massively minimising your husbands role in this. HE took vows, HE cheated on you. The OW is irrelevant, don't believe this whole 'she took advantage' bullshit, because thats what it is, bullshit!
A numpty? Fuck my life!
Why anyone would even consider staying with someone who did this I don't know.
Why would you?
You need to stop blaming the OW. He betrayed you for 12 years. That's the bottom line. Why would you even bother trying to forgive that?
12 flipping years... that's like a marriage.
For me, it wouldn't be the sex it would be the actual relationship, the 'coupledom' that these two obviously have after such a long period. It's the intimacy of that 12 years is what I mean.
I know that I couldn't get past that, not 12 years. My own marriage is 15 years. That would be too much for me.
This is not anyone's fault but your husbands. Even if the OW is some kind of Glenn Close Fatal Attraction bunny boiler, HE is the one enjoying shagathons with her when the mood takes. He has no thought for anyone but himself.
I actually feel sorry for the OW too, she's wasted 12 years on this walking knob.
Focus on YOURSELF, get some space between you so you can get your head around what's happened and what YOU want to happen next.
Even if she is minimising her husbands role why is that useful to her?
She is thinking about leaving him so she isn't really minimising it IMO. He could end up paying the ultimate price. So she's taking his role very seriously if she was minimising it she wouldn't be considering her future.
She's taking a swipe at the OW and who could blame her? She doesn't have to write a balanced essay!
You wouldn't have come across this woman if your DH hadn't started an affair with her. It isn't a twist of fate, it is his poor and selfish choices that have caused this.
Because the OW is behaving badly towards you (she doesn't owe you anything? Well, that includes nasty texts and emails!) it is easier for you to transfer your shock at the situation into anger or fear of her.
Your DH has committed such a monumental betrayal, I can quite see why you would minimise this for your own well-being. It is a mistake to do so though and long term you may find yourself unable to carry on with someone who brought her into your bed and into your life.
Please take care of yourself.
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