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He’ll just have to do without (sex)

(124 Posts)
TeeJay1970 Tue 23-Dec-14 07:31:50

Went out for a Christmas drink last Friday with a group of 40 something ladies. As the drinks flowed the conversation turned to sex.

One of my friends (48 years old) announced that she was done with and had no plans to have it again. This then begged the question of where this leaves DH (46 years old). Her words where, and I quote, “He’ll just have to do without.” In the following argument amongst the 7 of us two groups emerged. The first agreed with her that if she didn’t want it that was the end for the two of them full stop.

The other group, my group, felt this was just not fair on her DH. Now I fully agree that nobody should have sex if they don’t want to but is it really fair to wake up one day and say to your DH “Darling I’ve been thinking. Last night I decided that you’re never having sex ever again.”?

Can she really expect her marriage to carry on as before (he is a good DH and always has been)? On the other hand can he really expect her to have sex if she doesn’t want to?

One women suggested that she might agree to him having some form of “arrangement” to go elsewhere. Her response was “I’ll cut his balls off!”. Is it OK for her to tell him she wants nothing to do with his balls ever again but demand complete control over them?

I really can’t decide what’s right here.

Any thoughts?

TheHoneyBadger Tue 23-Dec-14 07:34:31

did she have any reason?

Altinkum Tue 23-Dec-14 07:37:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewEraNewMindset Tue 23-Dec-14 07:38:00

I suppose it depends on the reason why she no longer wants sex. It might be that as she approaches menopause sex is no longer comfortable or her sex drive has diminished and she no longer wants it. Her husband might just be a terrible shag and she is sick of getting zero enjoyment from it.

All I'm all I think she does have the right to say 'no more sex', it's her body and free will. But as she is part of a relationship her husband has the right to walk away if he won't accept the new dynamic and this her marriage might end because of it.

I suspect she wAs probably just being very dramatic on a night out and the reality is that they will stay together and he will get adhoc sex and be bloody grateful for it!

GertyD Tue 23-Dec-14 07:40:28

Hmmmm, if both partners are physically and mentally well and there is no other reason other than one persons deliberate choice not to, then I think your friend is BU expecting her DH to just accept that. Sex is an important part of a relationship. If she doesn't want it, and this is a sudden thing, then that needs to be explored. Maybe it has always been that way though.

Sex is not a 'right', and no partner should demand it from the other. But it is naive of one person to think that their other half should just accept a no sex situation, and not consider the possible consequences, like them hurting, or arguing or seeking it elsewhere.

WildBillfemale Tue 23-Dec-14 07:43:38

This lady will be someone posting here in a couple of years when her husband has found someone who DOES want sex and who would blame him.

I'm amazed at the selfish attitude of some women regarding their 'partnerships'.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 23-Dec-14 07:43:51

Of course she can choose not to have sex again

Just like he also can renegotiate the terms of their marriage contract

What isn't acceptable is to not discuss it

For most people sex is a large part of intimacy and unless they both agree to not have it one is going to be pissed off

It's far more likely she just has intimacy issues, likely provoked by her DH being a tool in some way grin

AlpacaYourThings Tue 23-Dec-14 07:46:37

On the other hand can he really expect her to have sex if she doesn’t want to?

No, he can't. Marital rape isn't legal anymore. HTH.

whattheseithakasmean Tue 23-Dec-14 07:49:21

I would suspect this is the death knell for her marriage. 48 is so young - I would not be prepared to do without sex ever again & I wouldn't see why I should.

It sounds like she does not really value her marriage or husband that she does not even want to discuss this issue, but make a one sided proclamation. She may be kinder leaving him - I think the marriage is doomed in any case.

Westendgal Tue 23-Dec-14 07:56:29

Drunk or not, it's completely inappropriate to discuss it in in a group/public setting. Poor guy.

TheHoneyBadger Tue 23-Dec-14 07:56:31

he's 46 - that's only 7yrs older than me. be a bit grim for someone to decide i am never going to have sex again and should just put up with it.

if she never wants to have sex again presumably she should get a divorce unless of course she discusses it and her partner is happy with her renegotiating the terms of their relationship so dramatically.

differentnameforthis Tue 23-Dec-14 08:01:09

if she never wants to have sex again presumably she should get a divorce And what if it is because of a medical issue? Is it really fair to expect her to divorce because she isn't able to have sex anymore?

rockup Tue 23-Dec-14 08:02:50

It shows a lack of regard for the needs of her husband. The marriage sounds doomed.

RonaldMcFartNuggets Tue 23-Dec-14 08:04:05

She's unreasonable to not allow him to make other arrangements. Maybe he doesn't want sex either.

TheHoneyBadger Tue 23-Dec-14 08:06:44

no obviously not differentname but the op didn't read that way to me.

CaptainAnkles Tue 23-Dec-14 08:06:45

She can't just decide that they're both done with sex for the rest of their lives. She can only make that decision for herself. Of course she shouldn't do it if she has no desire or willingness anymore, but to tell a group of friends that she's made that decision is inappropriate, embarrassing and cruel, especially if it's not a discussion she's even had with the other concerned party.

CogitOIOIO Tue 23-Dec-14 08:13:14

What kind of person announces such jntimate information to a group rather than discuss ti with their partner? Sounds like a bizarre attention seeking stunt to me. hmm Sexual incompatibility isn't uncommon and causes a lot of distress. Blabbing personal problems about rather than dealing with them sensitively just adds insult to injury

AICM Tue 23-Dec-14 08:13:28

I've know two women use the "He'll have to do without" argument in the last 15 years. Both marriages failed, both women are single; both men remarried.

bakingtins Tue 23-Dec-14 08:14:13

differentname I think the issue is whether they are "honouring (each other) with their bodies" which might mean different things in different stages of a relationship and vary dependent on pregnancy, post-partum, illness, disability, life stage etc but the principle is that a sexual relationship is part of marriage. A unilateral decision to end that threatens the future of the marriage. Your friend shouldn't have sex she doesn't want but to expect no consequences to that decision is naïve.

Eekaman Tue 23-Dec-14 08:20:11

I hope the poor hubby grows some, before they are cut off, and he divorces the mad woman in question for unreasonable behaviour.

A stupid, narrow minded, bossy, domineering attitude from the mad woman and her hubby will be better off without her.

TeeJay1970 Tue 23-Dec-14 08:20:41

Thanks for the comments.

Alcohol was involved in the discussion but not to the extent that the basic truth would have been wrong.

As to why she doesn't want it she said there is no real medical reason just that her libido has never been sky-high and has just dropped off a little more in recent years. She says she is not upset about it and has no plans in seek any medical help as feels it's an aging thing not a medical thing.

I think they'll end up divorcing. I feel sorry for him. They have a nice house and two kids under 12. She'll get the house and kids.

TeeJay1970 Tue 23-Dec-14 08:21:53

PS (Posted too soon!) I think it was very unfair to discuss this on a night out. We often discuss sex but this is a marital issue.

TheHoneyBadger Tue 23-Dec-14 08:22:43

exactly - anyone can decide on a life of celibacy but that life comes with certain things re: singleness. clearly that's not the same as being unable to have sex due to illness or being unable to have sex in the same way as one used to due to a disability etc. but choosing you wish to spend the rest of your life celibate means choosing to be single unless you are with someone else who also wishes to be celibate but to remain legally and domestically married or if for example you release them from the faithfulness element of the contract.

46 is awfully young to be expected to just 'put up with it'. especially by someone who announces it to a roomful of people in the pub rather than discusses it with you. he's not only being expected to live without sex but without basic respect to by the sounds of it.

TeeJay1970 Tue 23-Dec-14 08:23:25

Eekaman I think that's a bit harsh.

I would be keen to get a man's perspective on this. Is that where you're coming from?

LaurieFairyCake Tue 23-Dec-14 08:23:46

Please, please tell her to see her GP. At 48 it's only an ageing thing in the sense of hormone levels careering.

It's very easily fixed.

Not wanting to fix it is not being bothered about the relationship - and that's an emotional thing.

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