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Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

(273 Posts)
Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 00:47:39

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ��

minklundy Tue 23-Dec-14 00:54:44

Thrre will be a reason why it has changed.
Has something happened outside of bedroom which rocked his confidence e.g. redundancy? Or could it be porn? Or an affair? Or an illness?

How is the rest of your rs?

Have you tried telling him how you feel?

minklundy Tue 23-Dec-14 00:55:45

Oh and I don't think it's you.

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 01:04:37

As far as I know nothing has changed, our business has been going 5 years now and things are fine. He has been generally well and I don't think he is having or has had an affair - I couldn't say about porn but tbh I don't think so, no more than normal .

The rest of our relationship is ok I think! We haven't argued or had any issues that I am aware of.

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 01:05:59

I have tried telling him but he makes it seem like he has no problem and it's my fault.

RandomNPC Tue 23-Dec-14 01:16:31

Perhaps I can give a bloke's perspective. It's not your fault he's losing his erection, and IMHO he's acting very badly by making you do things that you're uncomfortable with, in order to get his jollies.
There's plenty of reasons that can cause men to have erection problems, it affects us all at some point! Perhaps he's embarrassed about it, that why he's reacting badly. The usual advice would be for him to get a check up at his GP, just to exclude a 'mechanical' problem, diabetes etc.
woild he be open to seeing a sexual therapist together?

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 01:21:38

Thanks - I do feel like he is a little unreasonable sometimes with what he asks but I do it because it's pretty much the only way to have any sort of sex at all, which I do want to do.

He would never go to a gp or any kind of therapy for this . It just won't happen, I think he would actually rather never have sex again.

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 01:22:49

But what is upsetting is that if he is "on his own " there is no problem so I don't see how it could be a medical issue?

Mom2K Tue 23-Dec-14 01:44:32

I'm sorry Oldnamenomore but he sounds selfish. If he can get going just fine on his own, and he's demanding sexual acts from you that you are uncomfortable with and hadn't asked of you before when everything was fine - it appears as if he has a problem with porn. Even if he was watching it before without issues, it's very possible that it has escalated. You can't know what one is doing online, or what new exciting image appeared and took him in a different direction.

And if he refuses to do anything about this and would like to blame you for his own problem, then you can accept it as it is or leave. I can't see what else you can do here if you are certain he won't do anything about this, and seems perfectly happy to never have sex with you again.

It is not you. Don't let him make you feel that way. And you do not have to perform uncomfortable sexual acts - it's supposed to be pleasurable for both parties, and it sounds as if he isn't making any effort to please you.

HelenaDove Tue 23-Dec-14 01:52:15

He is being sexually abusive.

nooka Tue 23-Dec-14 02:11:42

How can it be your fault? You've had good sex together for many years, even at times when women often do experience a decline in their wish to have sex (small children doesn't tend to go together with frequent sex in my experience!). Now your dh has a problem with sustaining an erection and with ejaculation, how has that become your problem exactly? It sounds as if you are doing all you can to meet his needs and more, and he is just complaining that it's not good enough.

I think I'd be inclined to stop with all the extra things that you don't really enjoy as he's obviously completely unappreciative. If he won't talk about whatever is going on in his life/mind then there is very little you can do to help him.

wallaby73 Tue 23-Dec-14 03:05:44

I can't grasp how someone who purports to love you, is happy to coerce you into sexual acts you don't like? It IS coercion as he is using emotional tactics (blame ....i mean, seriously??) to get you to do things YOU don't enjoy; no doubt he thinks you SHOULD enjoy them but even if you don't, he is still entitled to expect you do them? Really? This kind of behaviour displayed in the sexual life often has reflections in other parts of a relationship i find. Seriously, don't acquiesce, don't "give in", you are 100% entitled to not ever have to do anything you find uncomfortable, doesn't matter what he may say about "other people" or making you feel abnormal; your boundaries are your boundaries, and he's crossing them knowingly with absolutely no regard. I really hope you find your voice here, he is so far out of line.....

sykadelic Tue 23-Dec-14 03:17:29

Okay, he is losing his hard-on, not you. This is a recent thing, you've been together since you were teenages so it's not like you suddenly changed what you do... so this is his problem. It sounds like it's emotional/psychological rather than physical.

What strikes me about your update is this I do feel like he is a little unreasonable sometimes with what he asks but I do it because it's pretty much the only way to have any sort of sex at all, which I do want to do.

What is he asking you to do? I get the feeling he's watching too much porn. It's a common side-effect of watching specific kinds of porn that he "conditions" himself to only be turned on by the acts in the porn he's watching.

You are NOT his sex toy. You are a person with feelings and emotions. It is not okay that he's blaming this on you. That he's not considering how you feel. That he's refusing to talk to you about it.

Your posts also make it sound like you've got low self-esteem and he regularly, outside of sex, talks down to you and tells you things are your fault.

Sounds like you have a husband problem, not a sex problem.

Italiangreyhound Tue 23-Dec-14 03:57:44

It's not you, it's him. He's making you feel uncomfortable and blaming you. No idea what to do about it but just wanted to reassure you because he is behaving badly and his inability to seek any help is very selfish. If he were willing to seek help it could be in a different geographic area (I mean not on his doorstep) professionals would not be judging him for mechanical or any other issues, they would be trying to help him.

Personally, I would seek advice from somewhere like Relate even if your dh will not join you.

I have no idea but I would be tempted to take it back to basics a bit, not having adventurous sex, maybe a week/month or two no sex and just go back to some fun 'dates' out or at home, with a little petting (Lordy, I hate that word) and see if thinking about not getting it all his own way might be a turn on! BUT I know bloody nothing so feel free to ignore me.

And the bigger issue here is that he is selfish and not being very caring and certainly for me that is a massive turn off sexually!

Good luck. you sound very sympathetic to his needs and I am glad you posted and have had lots of people reassuring you that it is not your fault. I don't want to make him feel bad, maybe he feels bad about himself in this to but by failing to get help or take any responsibility he is (IMHO) abusing your love and trust. Do explore all areas of this, not just the actual sex bit, as others have mentioned there may be a change, perhaps a sense of mid life crisis. I know you are young but if you have a large family and if you started that relatively young he may have got to that mid-life crisis quicker than most. It's not an excuse for his behaviour but it may be a reason to explore. But as I say I know nothing about how all this works so please do seek advice from somewhere like Relate even if your dh will not join you.

Italiangreyhound Tue 23-Dec-14 03:59:35

Oh and I agree with sykadelic.

PurpleWithRed Tue 23-Dec-14 05:18:09

Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies

Honey, if you were having good sex this regularly with five small kids you were doing it right! Something has changed and if you know it's not you then it's him. Push this right back to him where it belongs.

dancingbuthatingit Tue 23-Dec-14 06:28:27

If he has no problems on his own, he probably no longer enjoys sex with you. Which is not your fault. I would worry more about his resistance to therapy than trying to please himhmm

arsenaltilidie Tue 23-Dec-14 07:04:19

He SEEMS to IMPLY that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever

There seems to be a lot of assumptions from the other. Chances are he hasn't said anything to blame you.

I don't make a big thing about it and I don't ever show disappointment

From his perspective you dont mind what you are doing. You are understanding when he loses his erection and know how to get him going again.

Ignore what Dancing said,

It's likely he is afraid he will lose his erection again, which of course makes more nervous when you do have sex. That explains why he is able to get one on himself because there is no pressure to perform.

He needs to stop watching porn and read how excessive porn can affect sex.

Catzeyess Tue 23-Dec-14 08:02:40

I agree its prob the porn - isn't that one of the leading causes of ED in men his age. Especially as he needs more extreme things to get him off.

If it were me I'd have a serious conversation about porn. I bet your sex life would dramatically improve if he gave it up.

CogitOIOIO Tue 23-Dec-14 08:22:23

A good sexual relationship is a two way mutual expression of affection. Both people should be making sure the other is enjoying the experience. Noone should be made to feel uncomfortable, inadequate or coerced into doing anything they don't want to do .Your husband is behaving selfishly, ofensively and it's a mistake to think that it's your job to keep him happy. If he has erectile problems it his his responsibility to get help

YonicSleighdriver Tue 23-Dec-14 08:27:57

Does he give you massages and oral sex?

Tell him that you don't enjoy the thing he does, so you need to find a way to both enjoy something and wouldn't it be an idea to start with things you both used to enjoy?

JaceyBee Tue 23-Dec-14 08:45:59

My first thought was porn too. There's a great TED talk on why we should stop watching it, maybe ask your H to take a look?

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 09:04:15

Thanks for all the repliessmile
Mom2k - I have asked him about porn, I know he does look at it and although I don't enjoy it I have always turned a blind eye. If he does look more these days he denies it and I am aware that if that's what he wants to do then there's not a huge amount I can really do to stop him. He obviously sees no problem with it.

Sex at the moment is only pleasurable for me because luckily I have an active imagination!

Nooka- I have always enjoyed being with him, as I say I have only ever had sex with him and I would like to continue to have sex regularly for the foreseeable future, and as far as I am aware it was perfectly fine until the last year or so!

What worries me is that I am fairly sure that if I stopped making any effort we would just never have sex.

Wallaby I do feel a little upset by it sometimes, I think he does realise this but he doesn't care. Outside of sex he is actually pretty caring and I would say a good husband, we are pretty equal in other aspects of our relationship and in our work life as well.

Sykadelic - I really can't bring mysf to write about what we do it's embarrassing and upsetting if you knew me in real life you would see that even writing this post at all is not like me! I am normally a very private person!.

I am not sure if he talks down to me - i haven't noticed , I think I do feel a little like I have low self esteem sometimes but at work for example people see me as confident and probably more in charge than him because I pay wages and do all the interviews for new employees etc. I don't do what he says n everyday life I don't think.

Arsen- he has out and out blamed me I was just a little ashamed to write it here.

YonicSleighdriver Tue 23-Dec-14 09:08:05

OP, it is not on to blame you, it really isn't.

Oldnamenomore Tue 23-Dec-14 09:09:29

I tried to talk to him about porn but he just denies watching it more than very occasionally. I have no idea what sort of thing he would watch (I have never really looked and he is a computer programmer so the chances of me finding any evidence of it left are pretty much 0). I will try and get him to watch the talk but if he is totally denying even watching it I'm not sure If he will acknowledge it at all.

Yonic I have told him many times That I don't like it but he insists that I do (I dont) and we end up doing it anyway.

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