I really fear I am going the way of Miss Havisham and don't know what to do exactly (that I haven't tried) to stop myself ending up covered in cobwebs.
It's a long, boring story- and under a diff name and on OTBT I posted a lot about exp at various times: he was a master manipulator and a real charmer but cruel and quite bizarre in some ways- people here suggested maybe a narcissist. Sexually abusive, verbally abusive, prone to weird rages. He was the first person I have ever really loved -despite me being quite old! I was separated when I met him and fell for him very hard.
We weren't together for all that long- about a year and a half. But this is the fourth Christmas in a row that will be dominated by thoughts of him:
three years ago was the only Xmas in the (abusive) relationship.
He dumped me brutally and kind of out of the blue just before Christmas two years ago, then messed me about (rephrase- I allowed him to mess me about) most of the following year. I posted here and had loads of help and good advice (which I ignored, mainly)
Last Christmas he was sort of back in my life a bit as a kind of 'friend' -although it was all a bit of a mess as there was no friendship really and he was with someone else. He kept saying he was obsessed with me and longed for me and I was the only person who knew him and could see right through him etc... Yet you guessed it- was in no way going to be with me.
This year- well I haven't seen or heard from him for a few months now and this year is the hardest of all. I feel like I am walking through total darkness- just absolutely empty and bereft without contact. Every day it is getting worse and thoughts of him/ us/ the past are plaguing me. I haven't contacted him or seen him around and haven't heard a peep- and I have come to terms with that, it's fine- but the way I feel is NOT fine- it's disproportionate and bonkers.
I have tried EVERYTHING to be rid of the thoughts of him: hobbies, challenges, exercise, other men (disastrous), work, focussing entirely on the dcs, writing, travelling about, setting goals etc. rubber band snapping.
I had so much counselling- got me nowhere and when I started to meet him again I lied to the counsellor and pretended I wasn't.
I miss him every day. I think about him within minutes of waking up and I dream about him. He used to say he could hear my voice all the time- I can hear his all the time.
I can't believe that I am becoming such a sad, embittered woman- or so preoccupied and plagued by thoughts of someone who treated me so, so, badly. Not just once, but time and time again.
I am hoping the anti depressants work. But what else can I do that I haven't tried? Is this some kind of complex or disorder? It's like being ill. I just cannot move on. I've been at the point of just wanting not to live because I don't want to live like this- it's stupid.
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Miss Havisham complex ? Help
16 replies
2015ontheway · 22/12/2014 23:31
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