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Can't believe I feel for it!!

(43 Posts)
ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 20:44:26

I have NC'd because of the shame. I am a regular Mner who has received fantastic advice in the past and I can't believe I have been so stupid. I'm afraid I can't give too many details as I am actually afraid for the outcome if I am outed. If any of you recognise me, please do not out me.

I have been scammed online. I met a loving, caring, funny man who totally took my heart.

He was having some financial worries and I wanted to help. I (stupidly) lent him a significant amount of money. I asked for a written agreement to pay it back but when I handed it over to him, we'd been out drinking and I wasn't really aware of my actions when he asked for the money without an agreement - I gave it to him and he gained my trust and I never did ask for an agreement again as we were planning some sort of future together.

Predictably, it ended quite sharply soon after. He blocked me in every way possible but I managed to contact him through a route that he hadn't blocked me. He's denying I lent him the money and is refusing to pay it back.

I can't give too much away about the correspondence in case he tracks this as I realise now I don't know him and I am a little scared of what he'll do to me.

I did tell the police as they came round one night when a friend was worried about me as I was in such a state over this. The police said there's nothing they can do as it would be his word against mine. I never told them he's been done for fraud before as at that point, I didn't want him to get into trouble.

Do I let it go and just learn my stupid lesson?

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 20:46:07

'Can't believe I fell for it' I should have previewed!!!!

superstarheartbreaker Mon 22-Dec-14 20:53:40

Why don't you want him to get into trouble over this? He basically robbed you and he might do it to others. You might still have feelings but he is not the man you thought he was.

GloriousGloria Mon 22-Dec-14 20:54:56

You didn't want him to get into trouble because he's been done for fraud before!? hmmconfusedangry

You're enabling him to get away with it at that point.

Take him to small claims court.

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 20:57:25

I have no feelings for him now, I know what he is. When I saw the police and they said there was nothing they can do, he had just walked out on me so I didn't want to believe he had set the whole thing up to get money.

I am an intelligent woman - I feel so ashamed for how I've been conned and I can't afford to lose the money.

All that keeps going round in my head is the mantra, never lend money unless you can afford to lose it. He is laughing at me now.

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 20:59:01

I have no proof for lending him the money. If I gave his name then would they bring up details of his previous fraud or if there is a court order for him to repay that, would that not get taken into account?

neighbourhoodwitch Mon 22-Dec-14 21:03:10

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just awful. Try not to relive it but do take action if you can face it and/ or want to.

Even the cleverest people get conned. Shame on him. I'm sure he won't get away with this karmically and I really really hope you get your money back somehow. xxx

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:06:08

Thank you for your kind comments.

I think it's more the disbelief that he has done this and I have been stern but factual in my correspondence to him and now I'm worried I am playing with fire. After all, I don't know him.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 22-Dec-14 21:09:08

Then leave it for the police to worry about (by telling them everything you do know) and make sure you've blocked all the online connections you have with him

neighbourhoodwitch Mon 22-Dec-14 21:09:15

Yes, you'll probably be in shock. I really don't think he'll hurt you though, but if you're worried, tell the police. xx

airedailleurs Mon 22-Dec-14 21:09:19

I posted on MN a while ago about being stupid enough to feel sorry for a work colleague and lend her money that she stopped paying back once I left the firm.

Now, although we did both sign a loan agreement, I started a small claims court action against her and it I haven't yet had to prove that I lent her the money, even though it is at the stage of the court requesting a statement of means from her employer in order to set up an attachment of earnings (the money she owes me is deducted from her salary on a monthly basis at an affordable rate and repaid to me).

I would go for it if I were you; look at the MCOL (Money Claims Online) website, it's easy to do and there are very helpful people in the call centre if ever you get stuck.

Good luck OP, feel free to PM me if you like...

Coyoacan Mon 22-Dec-14 21:10:15

Even the cleverest people get conned

Yes, and successful con artists are very, very convincing.

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:13:06

Thank you so much and I will look at that website. If you knew my usual nn, I think you'd be surprised how foolish I've been.

He is scaring me now as he 'knows people' in my area and I think I do have to tell the police just in case something happens. Also, I don't know how many other women he is/will be doing this to, but do I have to be the one to stop it at risk to myself and my DC?

neighbourhoodwitch Mon 22-Dec-14 21:17:04

I don't think you'd put yourself at risk by telling the police. Tell them you're worried? x

Deserttrek Mon 22-Dec-14 21:35:00

It can and does happen frequently. You are not alone.
Many fraudsters can get away with it - even where there is something in writing. The police do not have the skillset (let alone the Courts) and time to deal with something that could be, and most probably is, a civil matter. A contact of mine mortgaged their house for a six figure sum and invested it in - "a sure fire 'system' to beat the betting odds on horseracing". And there is evidence of the money trail, going to a bank in Gibraltar (?) and there is no return back to them, at all in two years....and now the company is in 'trouble' and the directors are in the UK and produce board minutes and other stuff to support this. Unless you have something in writing, either a contract or a witnessed deed, that has clear terms of repayment, then you will have an almost impossible task. The only thing that may put your toe even slightly in the door would be evidence of a bank/cheque transfer, identified to his own bank account, and if the balance of probabilities is a loan rather than a gift (I assume you are not a philanthropic millionaire) then it may be possible to persuade a tribunal/court that on the balance of probabilities he owes you. Getting the money off him is an entirely different matter of course, and can be more costly than a favourable judgement. And if he is not within the UK anyway, then I don't hold much hope. I am still owed £180 for a months wages from 1982......a lot of money for a schooleaver......and I had to pay £135 in legal fees. I got the judgement, but never the money. A lesson learned. Well I hope so..........I can never be 100% sure.........

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:41:15

It doesn't bode well for me but I appreciate all your advice.

He is in the UK, I know where he works. I just have to hope that he will not want the hassle of police as I have told him they know and all he has to do is pay me. I have an email trail from him but no written agreement, as he has pointed out to me.

It's an expensive lesson and one that I couldn't afford. It was money my family had given me for my future and as I thought I'd get it back soon, I didn't see an issue with helping someone out, it's in my nature. I feel so stupid saying that I trusted him to pay it back.

My family don't know, I can't tell them.

neighbourhoodwitch Mon 22-Dec-14 21:46:16

No, you don't need to tell your family.

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:50:09

Thank you neighbourhoodwitch, I feel I've let them down so much. Only one friend knows and she knew it was a con before I did but the money had already gone then. I kept thinking he'd contact me.

I NEVER thought I'd fall for a con and he is so smug now in his replies, almost like, good luck with proving it!! How can a man do that??

I'm ashamed as well because we were intimate and now I feel worthless, like he pimped himself to me just for money.

Deserttrek Mon 22-Dec-14 21:53:29

I have an email trail from him but no written agreement, as he has pointed out to me.

And did he point this out to you in an email also? I guess probably not, but I hope so.

But if he borrowed it in a personal capacity, rather than a business one, then it may be he has something to fear in having a judgement debt and on the balance of probabilities he really does owe you. After all, he was fearful enough of his 'financial worries' and if that was a lie then he has got everything to lose. If it was business then I think he would say "It was an investment" and that would be harder to prove. But personal may be different because you are reaching into his own financial security.

More than a toe in the door perhaps. I have some knowledge of these things, so PM me after Christmas if you want (no money required.....and I will keep your confidences) fsmile

Where is Judge Judy when we need her........

Wigeon Mon 22-Dec-14 21:54:27

So sorry this has happened. How do you know he is in the UK or where he works? He couod easily be abroad and it os quite possible that he doesn't know anyone in your area, as he claims. After all, it's clear you can't believe a word he says, so why believe any of these "facts"?

Ilovefluffysheep Mon 22-Dec-14 21:56:37

Desert trek - police don't have the skill Set? I find that a little insulting given I am a DC that works in a fraud unit!

Ihave - do you have anything at all written down showing the agreement such as texts, emails etc? If you do, it's more likely police would be willing to get involved, although it would probably be dealt with more effectively as a civil matter. As deserttrek rightly said, civil court works on balance of probabilities, whereas criminal court is beyond all reasonable doubt, so far easier to win a civil case, plus a lot more chance of getting your money back.

Deserttrek Mon 22-Dec-14 21:57:03

Wigeon, I think he may be in the UK. They went out for a drink together. Sounds as if he is here, but he could be overseas and here to scam. It happens. One day he may be in prison, eventually. They tend to get greedier.

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:57:40

Thank you so much desert. It was a personal loan for a personal reason and sadly I gave cash but I have a record of withdrawing money from my account.

Yes, he did say that in an email, although he said he never asked for the money, I have emails saying he will pay me back though.

Judge Judy is old news, Judge Rinder is the new man on the block!

Ilovefluffysheep Mon 22-Dec-14 21:59:17

See I've cross posted with a few posts.

As I said, although you haven't got an actual written agreement, is there anything you've got written down discussing it, or was it all done in person?

ihavebeenafool Mon 22-Dec-14 21:59:29

Wigeon, I definitely know he lives and works here. Can't go into detail (sorry) but I'm sure of that.

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