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MIL seems obsessed!

(20 Posts)
hobbjobb Mon 22-Dec-14 18:10:18

Sorry, I know, another mil in thread. But my mother died when I was 5 and I don't have a very close relationship with my stepmother so I don't have much to go on

My MIL Is very nice. I like her and it's great my DD will have a grandmother who is present and interested. But I'm feeling suffocated by her.

I'm still on maternity leave so I make the effort to include DP's family in our plans, we meet for coffee and I'll sometimes take her round during the week. We will also see them at the weekend when DP is off.
Bearing this in mind, mil acts like she hasn't seen her in months every time.
She scoops her up and wants to cuddle her, won't really let anyone else have her. She says "oh I've missed you so much" "I've been having withdrawal symptoms" "oh it's been too long" even if we've only seen her a couple of days before.
We went to a family party on Saturday and mil took her into another room and sat with her the whole time saying how she missed her too much, there were people there who hadn't ever met the baby but mil monopolised her so no one else got a look in. We'd seen her two days beforehand!

She will never let her sleep and tries to wake her up if she is asleep and has taken to "popping round" uninvited during the day, often when I've just got dd down for a nap. I've been keeping the curtains closed and not answering the door!

I've always taken a step back as I do understand that she wants to spend time with her but it is really annoying me.

We are spending all day XMAS day with them and then Boxing Day with my family, mil is now upset we won't be seeing them on Boxing Day as well as XMAS day and has asked DP if we can go round there early evening Boxing Day too. DP said No, she has to go to bed and we are spending the day with my family and she got upset. What about our Christmas? Is it really all about her?

Mil wanted to take dd into her work to show her off so I went in so she could do that,even though I thought that was bloody weird! I feel I am pretty accommodating to her but it's never enough and I'm starting to get really pissed off by it all.

Tacanya Mon 22-Dec-14 18:14:03

She needs a life outside of yoyr life!

thatsmyname123 Mon 22-Dec-14 18:19:29

Does she have any other grand kids? Does dh agree with you? She does sound a bit much!

hobbjobb Mon 22-Dec-14 18:22:50

This is the first grandchild, and yes DP is in agreement it's a bit much after her antics at the party.
It's just difficult as she's just so nice! Too nice!
I wouldn't want to upset her but I can feel myself seething every time I see her. DP ha said he will have a word after Xmas and ask her to back off a bit.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 22-Dec-14 19:11:47

Stop being so accommodating.

No amount of you trying to please and placate her will ever be enough. So just do what is good for you and for DD.

Is your DH on side? Will he back you up when you start saying "no" to his mother more often than you say "yes"? His support is essential for your wellbeing, and for that of your marriage.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 22-Dec-14 19:13:50

It's not being "nice" to weedle your way into someone's life when you're uninvited and not wanted. Not "nice" in the slightest.

Although that will certainly be part of the guilt-tripping she will lay on when she has her predictable meltdown once you start enforcing your boundaries.

HamPortCourt Mon 22-Dec-14 19:17:04


At least DH seems to be onside, but will he still stand up for you if/when MIL turns on the waterworks?

If she is still playing up after Christmas you need to distance yourself. Do not answer the phone when she rings (get caller display) do not answer the door when she calls round unexpectedly. I had to go to the extreme of letting MIL see me through the windows and still not answering the door. When it was brought up later I just said I didn't know you were coming and it wasn't convenient.

Don't involve her in everything, stop taking her round there so often. YOu have to take your life back.

Re the party shenanigans, either you or DH should have taken DD off MIL and taken her back to the party. Why didn't you? She isn't remotely afraid of upsetting you so why are you worried about upsetting her? Waking up DD etc shows she does not have DD best interests at heart and it is all about her.

Stand firm OP, and hopeully she can take a step back and be involved at a level that you find acceptable and in a way that doesn't hinder DD and normal family life.

nihatsgirl Mon 22-Dec-14 19:31:54

Gosh, this really is an attitude I don't understand. How can you resent sharing your child with her grandmother. I honestly see nothing to be seething about.

KnittingChristmasJumpers Mon 22-Dec-14 19:36:13

I dunno nihat I'd say that purposefully waking a baby is selfish at the very least. The party antics are also very questionable - surely if she was just a proud DGM she'd want to show her off rather than stealing her away for herself for 2 hours?

GoatsDoRoam Mon 22-Dec-14 19:55:42

It's not about stopping a grandmother seeing her grandchild, Nihat. It's about setting limits with someone who makes it All About Her.

BarbarianMum Mon 22-Dec-14 19:59:16

I think you should start with gentle yet firm enforcement of your boundaries, rather than brutally "laying down the law." So don't stop seeing her but do it on your terms - carry on ignoring the doorbell, be busy on days you don't want to see her (or at least say you are). Make sure the 3 of you get plenty of undisturbed family time over Xmas. Answer machines/mobile on silent are excellent. If she's a texting granny, don't text back immediately.

If gentle but firm doesn't work, then its time for dh to get tough.

hobbjobb Mon 22-Dec-14 20:00:33

Thanks. I'm slightly relieved the general opinion is that I'm not being precious!
Night, I absolutely do not resent mil having a part in our lives, it just feels like no matter how much I do, it's never enough.

hobbjobb Mon 22-Dec-14 20:01:30

Nihat, not night!

ConfusedInBath Mon 22-Dec-14 20:03:49

Be glad she gives a shit.
The alternative is not good.

hobbjobb Mon 22-Dec-14 20:05:24

My family don't give a shit. Believe me, I Know what that feels like

Ohfourfoxache Mon 22-Dec-14 20:14:59

There is a happy medium though. It is nice that she "gives a shit" but she is being overbearing. It's just as bad as not giving a shit, it's just at the other end of the spectrum.

ConfusedInBath Mon 22-Dec-14 20:47:28

Not ever having support is awful on many levels.

Not just the emotional but practically.

TheSkiingGardener Mon 22-Dec-14 20:54:28

She's over the top by a long way, but probably doesn't realise it. Ask her how her MIL was and did she see your husband this much

Angelwings11 Mon 22-Dec-14 21:13:58

You need to do some tactical ignoring here. Do not respond or try to reason with some of the moaning/whinging/complaining, as she will never be satisfied. Instead, set some boundaries. For instance, ignore some of the calls, take DD from her if she tries to monopolise her time at parties etc, ensure that you as a family unit have some time together ALONE and lastly be consistent...don't let her take an inch as she will take a mile!

2rebecca Mon 22-Dec-14 23:19:11

I would tell her that you find her attitude annoying and that it seems pointless seeing her so frequently if every time you see her she pretends she hasn't seen you for months. I would probably say that her attitude makes you want to see less of her as you feel smothered by her and feel she needs to get a bit of balance back in her life and be less pushy like she was before you had any children.
If she gets upset she gets upset, if she carries on like this you are getting upset. Her feelings aren't more important than yours and if the relationship between you is going to work you have to stand up to her and make her realise she is pushing you away by her behaviour not making you want to see her more.
I would probably be seeing less of her if she doesn't take the hint. if she's going to moan she never sees you then it's pointless seeing her as often as she doesn't appreciate that it is often.
I like my own space so wouldn't be wanting rellies round all the time just because I had a baby anyway.
Where is FIL in all this?

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