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Reaching a sexual compromise

(143 Posts)
Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 15:07:17

DH and I have been together 10 years and have two young DC. My sex drive has always been a fair bit higher than DH's and prior to DC we had regular ish sex, though not as often as I would like. Obviously it tailed off during the small baby days/sleepless nights but DC2 is nearly 4 and we have DTD less than 5 times a year for the last 3 or so, me always being the instigator. If I say that I understand that he has a lower sex drive but can we talk about it, he takes it as a personal affront and uses excuses such as him being lazy, tired or the bad situation with his father dampening down his sex drive.

I just want to reach a compromise where we have a bit more sex without me feeling like a bloody pest. How do I even start this discussion with him?

GoatsDoRoam Mon 22-Dec-14 15:23:05

You have started the discussion. He's the one who doesn't want to pursue it.

I'm not sure what to advise, other than to have the discussion again, but refuse to be fobbed off with excuses. The premise should be : "This is a serious problem, I will not let it be brushed under the carpet, what concretely can you/I/we change in order to improve the situation?"

Don't let up until concrete solutions are found, and embarked on. Because without some kind of action, nothing is going to change.

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 15:23:14

Sexual incompatibilty is a really tough one, especially if the mismatch has been there from the start. What is it you miss exactly? Sex itself? Physical intimacy or affection more generally? And what is the effect on you of his lack of interest? Purely frustration or do you feel unloved and unappreciated?

Quitelikely Mon 22-Dec-14 15:25:56

5 times a year! I thought you were going to say 5 times a week!

You aren't asking a lot here IMO.

Are you certain he isn't watching porn or just having regular DIY sessions?

Or does he really hardly ever want it? Did he want it before dc came along?

IME I've known partners to have slight dips in their sex drive but not drastic ones.

If it's drastic there must be a serious reason.

rockup Mon 22-Dec-14 15:42:44

I think talking about it directly is the worse thing you could do...talk about a passion killer.

In matters of the bedroom, I am afirm believer of the saying that actions speak louder than words. All he needs is a little encouragement!

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 16:18:25

Rockup the encouragement came before the chat, it got me nowhere.

CogitO he used to be extremely affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs which often didn't lead anywhere but I tried not to push it. Not as affectionate any more but it's cool. I miss the physicality of it, the actual sex itself and the lack of it makes me feel frustrated and resentful, especially when he blames it on the situation with his father. His dad and I don't get on so it's like he is saying "sort things out with my dad and I'll give you more sex." Turns me off really.

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 16:23:04

Quite I don't think he's overly wanking, not sure about a porn habit, not that I've noticed anyway. 5 times a week with be blissful!

Goats if he could just admit that he doesn't want it as much as I do we could discuss but it's as though I'm questioning his masculinity.

KnockMeDown Mon 22-Dec-14 16:35:37

Sorry, but why would it have anything to do with your relationship with his father? What's the story there?

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 16:36:34

I tend to think that couples can weather a sexual dry spell if there continues to be physical affection and closeness..... touching, kissing, etc. Because that way you retain the intimacy and everyone feels loved. However, when the affection goes and you're left with 'coolness' I think that's something of a death knell.

Blaming his father is ridiculous, frankly. He sounds totally unmotivated either to address the lack of intimacy or be honest with you about the reasons. If he's simply not interested he really should respect you enough to say so.

rockup Mon 22-Dec-14 16:39:35

I think that in situations like that when one party has not had their sexual needs met for a long period of time then it is very likely that when the opportunity presents itself, they will seek out another sexual outlet.

Homepride1 Mon 22-Dec-14 16:43:31

No advice because I'm going through the same! No sex for last year! Last few times we tried he couldn't even get a erection so few months ago he said he just felt pressured because it's been so long and I agreed to back off and not speak about it and that it would happen naturally if we made more effort to just cuddle etc!

I kept up my end if the bargain and didn't mention it and yesterday he made a huge deal in the morning that when we got kids to bed we would have a glass of wine and "hsve fun"

Kids go to bed and he decided to just bend me over in kitchen and have ago, no kiss no foreplay no nothing! I decided to let they go and just go with it this time to see if we could actually finally get intimate again and it was a bloody nightmare!

He stopped 3 times to pee, after the 3rd time he then just sat on the sofa telling me how tired he was, and was feeling sick, belly cramps etc and said he was going to bed and we could finish in morning. When I pointed out this would not be poss because kids up early and in bedroon he brushed me off as usual with the "of course we can we will wake early" once I fell askeep he then came down slept on sofa and this morning claimed he had shit nights sleep and rushed off to work!

I'm left feeling shit as usual because dispite what he says I clearly can't keep him interested long enough to actually have full sex!

I have spoke about if till I'm blue in the face, I have cried, told him to leave if it me but yet he still claims it's not. I'm totally at a list to where we go from here because we just don't seem to get anywhere.

I totally understand where your coming from op and i really hope you get it sorted

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Mon 22-Dec-14 16:55:26

Homepride, your DP needs to see a doctor. stopping Three times to have a pee is not normal. Not at all. <and he is in huge denial and not behaving at all well to you but that's another issue>.

OP, your dh sounds as if he has both a low sex drive and loss of sexual confidence. Unfortunately you cannot force him to address these issues. I suppose, very sadly, you need to decide how much of a deal breaker it is for you. Since you have dc, it sounds as if you did at some stage have more regular sex? Again, a GP visit would be in order to check things over.

Why men find going to the GP to discuss such matters so much more difficult than men is very fconfused.

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 16:56:35

Sorry Cogito when I said "that's cool" I meant that it was fine with me as he used to a bit too affectionate as in constantly kissing me, in front of my parents and at other inopportune times.

Rockup that's a direction I really don't want to go in. I don't want to potentially ruin my DCs' life for extramarital sex.

flowers Homepride your DH's problem sounds medical IMO.

rockup Mon 22-Dec-14 17:00:11

It is such a pressure that is being put on your marriage though. He needs to realise how serious it is.

Homepride1 Mon 22-Dec-14 17:13:48

I think a lot of it is due to alcohol, he does drink a big to much and it's affecting his sex drive, in the beginning of our relationship we were at it all the time but once the honeymoon period is slowly just stopped! He has zero sex drive always to tired, ill or hungover and when we do have try to have sex he struggles to maintain a erection which is why I think the toilet brakes happen. And the reason for it being 20 times worse this last year has been due to pregnancy, he refused to have sex with me when I was pregnant as he didn't find the whole thing attractive in the slightest!

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 17:51:41

So there are actually two mismatches. He prefers public displays of affection to sex and you are the opposite. I am starting to wonder if everyone is feeling rejected in different ways. Impossible to say if he won't talk about it, however.

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 18:16:32

When you put it like that Cogito it's a wonder that we ever got together.

LastTangoInBognor Mon 22-Dec-14 18:27:30

I'm in the same boat. Conversations about it go very badly - I also get the 'I'm just lazy' and 'I'm just tired' - he says there is no reason or secret about it. That said, if yours won't even admit that there's a problem, then that's even harder. I guess you just have to make it clear to him that you're unhappy and that you'd like to work together toward a solution. It IS a bit of a personal affront - nobody likes to be told they're not pleasing their partner, but he needs to try to understand where you're coming from.

Personally, I've reached a point where I feel like this is just him, and unless he wants to change, I can't make him want to have sex. Basically I need to decide whether I'm happy to give up regular sex for the many other positives in my relationship, or whether I need to leave. He's aware that I'm considering this, but I still really don't know what to do.

The only thing about your post that I found odd is the stuff about his dad. Is that a genuine issue? Or do you think it might be more of a handy excuse? Either way, him suggesting it's your 'fault' for not getting on with his dad raises a red flag for me.

Basically, I'm sorry, I don't know how to help. I do feel so much sympathy though - when you go past the point of 'affection without pressure for sex' and 'doing stuff as a couple' along with 'crying and shouting' it's very hard to know what to do. I've considered starting a thread here about this before, as I think there are a few people out there in this position and maybe we could all try to find a solution together - but currently, I've got nothing!

Homepride that sounds grim, but yeah going to pee multiple times during sex sounds medically odd, unless it was a serious kitchen marathon.

HelenaDove Mon 22-Dec-14 18:29:14

Homepride i think he is treating you appallingly. Whats the excuse for no foreplay no kiss etc.

HelenaDove Mon 22-Dec-14 18:30:32

If someone tried that with me with no foreplay i would find it incredibly painful. You are not his wanksock Homepride. He was having sex ON you not WITH you.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 22-Dec-14 18:33:33

I also think it's worth making a list of the good things about your marriage - andthe bad ones. A man who won't have sex with you and is clearly not bothered about addressing the issue is not good - if he is otherwise lovely, kind, entertaining company, pulls his weight with childcare and housework etc it might be worth putting up with less sex than you would like. If he's lazy, rude, selfish and clearly bored by you as well then make your list a practical one, like would you be better off financially if you leave or if you stay? And if the answer is 'stay' then consider a few discreet extramarital flings.
Because someone who repeatedly refuses either to have sex with his/her official partner or recognise that the lack of sex is genuinely upsetting to the other person has no right at all to insist on monogamy. If you're not using it, you shouldn't moan if someone else wants it.

arsenaltilidie Mon 22-Dec-14 18:35:41

I'm surprised no one has asked this but are you doing chores around the house?
Sex starts from between the ears.

On a serious note; is there possibility of E.D?

LastTangoInBognor Mon 22-Dec-14 18:49:46

I do think that there is a discussion to be had about open relationships in this situation - but I think it's better phrased as a solution than a threat, as 'well if you don't want it I'll find someone who does' is not universally known as a great marriage-strengthener.

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 20:43:17

Just politely discussed it again. He admitted that he's a bit of a take it or leave it type and he's happy for me to initiate it, basically he never initiates. Says he's just not that kind of person. When I said that ideally I would like to DTD about 5 times a week, he actually laughed out loud and said that i was bordering on a sex maniac. He asked if I actually saw this as a problem/issue in our marriage (to which I replied yes) and then came back with him being more generally affectionate than me and that many women would love a man who is more affectionate but with less expectation to have sex. I said that's nice but you're married to me not many women. He just sees it as "a thing" that makes us different with no intention of meeting in the middle, not even once a week.

Notfootball Mon 22-Dec-14 20:49:22

Tango sorry you're going through this too, have you suggested an open relationship to your DH?

SGB DH has some many positives, he's kind, generous, a real hands-on dad, gives me lots of down time, needs a reminder to get the Hoover out sometimes but loads the dishwasher without a thought but the sex thing seems so major, it's such a basic to me.

No ED problems Arsenal.

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