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Is this abusive?

(42 Posts)
ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 09:51:37

I've been seeing a man that I met on online dating. I stopped seeing him for a while because he kept pressuring me. Lately he said that I have to send him a specific photo of myself to 'prove' my feelings for him and he described it as a 'test'. This is not normal is it?

GoldfishCrackers Mon 22-Dec-14 09:52:26

Nope. Run like the wind.

dirtybadger Mon 22-Dec-14 09:52:34

No it's weird and controlling. Avoid!!

Lottapianos Mon 22-Dec-14 09:52:38

Definitely not normal. Deeply weird and controlling. Trust your gut feeling and run for the hills.

Tyzer85 Mon 22-Dec-14 09:53:40

That's not normal, I can't believe that you even had to ask.

Only1scoop Mon 22-Dec-14 09:54:39

You stopped seeing him for the right reasons.

Stay away

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 09:54:41

Do you genuinely doubt that his behaviour is disturbing or did you just think it would make an interesting thread? Have you had bad experiences with relationships in the past? Do you lack confidence?

ocelot41 Mon 22-Dec-14 09:55:24

That's weird. Run.

thatsmyname123 Mon 22-Dec-14 09:55:42

You've already stopped seeing him once because you felt pressured, he's pressuring you again, so that's clearly not going to change!
You shouldn't have to prove anything, I'd be running for the hills!

GoldfishCrackers Mon 22-Dec-14 09:55:54

(I meant nope it's not normal.) Normal people prove their feelings by, I dunno, being kind and respectful and loving. Not by performing a random task and doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
By effectively blackmailing you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable he's proved that he doesn't care about your feelings; only his own.

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 09:56:23

Cogito - I have a long history of wrong 'uns. There is much more I could say about this but didn't want to bore people with it.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 22-Dec-14 09:57:25

Then don't. You know this is wrong so don't fall for it, block and ditch.

springlamb Mon 22-Dec-14 09:57:33

Keep your doors and windows shut.
And your legs.

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 09:58:57

I'm not going to go back to him. I am just so sad that I always end up with someone abusive.

I probably need more counselling. So it's a case of finding a counsellor who can help me fix this.

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 09:59:57

Does the long history mean you don't trust your own judgement? And how wrong is a wrong 'un? Have you ever sought help to deal with the fall-out? Is online dating.... a pool of complete strangers, often with very weird agendas.... really the right environment for you?

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 10:00:36

Probably not. I should leave it I guess.

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 10:01:30

No, I don't trust my own judgement - that is exactly it. And it's easy for people to pressure me to make me feel I am unreasonable. Even when I know I'm right and if a friend was describing it I would think it was awful.

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 10:05:51

A counsellor can't change an abusive person and, unfortunately, self-esteem is something that takes time to restore. There's no quick fix to personal confidence... it's trial and error

In any situation where you are interacting with other people, whether dating or otherwise, the important thing is to have high standards of acceptable behaviour, be assertive, and not compromise. Don't give second chances if people fall short, even in a minor way. That way you are less likely to end up with someone abusive.

So you tried... made the mistake of giving a second chance... but this time you've set a high standard & you've rejected the loser. That's actually personal growth. Take strength from it.

pompodd Mon 22-Dec-14 10:07:27

I'm a man and can assure you that no sane, decent and normal man would ask, let alone pressure you, for something like that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 22-Dec-14 10:09:33

You have to ask this ? sad confused

Dolallytats Mon 22-Dec-14 10:19:25

Not normal at all. I don't know much about on-line dating, is there somewhere you can report him. The next person he contacts may not have the strength or confidence to tell him to get lost.

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 15:30:37

Thank you. My friend has said to me that it sounds like a compliance test which would make it easier for him to control me later.

I don't think I could report him though. It seems to me that there are a lot of people like this on dating websites.

ElectraInExcelsis Mon 22-Dec-14 15:31:38

When I say counseling I mean for myself so that I can learn to set higher standards.

ptumbi Mon 22-Dec-14 15:39:52

Prove you love me by a BJ
Prove you love me by swallowing
Prove you love me by sending a naked photo

NO - prove to me that I can control you and you will do anything I ask,....

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 15:49:58

Do you think your standards are too low OP? Do you struggle to be assertive or believe that your requirements matter.... not just in dating but in other aspects of life?

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