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Nerves shredded by partner

(18 Posts)
Melanietree Mon 22-Dec-14 09:35:44

I don't really know how to deal the situation I'm in. My partner shouts at me every morning when he can't find things to wear. He is late to everything as a result.
I have been a sahm and have helped him in the past by laying out clothes including the sports gear he wears, but it is usually wrong. I am working fulltime now and luckily I've left the house by the time this situation arises in the morning during the week. It ruins my weekend though, and just keeps repeating.
I have stood up to him about it as well and told him to sort himself out but it doesn't seem to work. He shouts and throws things around the house quite often. My children disappear to their bedrooms when he's like this.
I dont like this behaviour and its being going on for years. I feel tearful and stressed and have a tight chest.
He never apologises for his behaviour and he often blames me for his lateness at work. We both work for the same company so I find it really embarrassing.
I am a very organised person, however we dont have any proper storage in our house as my partner hasnt completed the storage that he started a year ago. I have gone back to work so that I can provide more things for my family, as I cant wait any longer for my partner to sort things out. We havent had a working shower for 10 years for instance, and I havent had any money to get things fixed. Sorry for the rant, im really stressed out.

Meplusyouequals4 Mon 22-Dec-14 09:37:48

Not to be mean, but why are you still with him?

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Mon 22-Dec-14 09:39:00

Sounds utterly miserable. Does he live with you? I would ask him to leave for a while. I suspect you will immediately feel a lot better.

Honestly, life is too short to put up with that shit!

Quitelikely Mon 22-Dec-14 09:39:39

Do you realise you don't have to put up with this?

He can only treat you this way because you allow it.

Honestly throw him and his clothes out!

GoatsDoRoam Mon 22-Dec-14 09:47:45

Neither you nor your kids deserve this treatment. Of course you are all stressed by it: he is being a bully.

His clothes are not your responsibility, btw. Obviously he is trying to bully you back into the position where you would lay his clothes out for him, as that was far more convenient for him, wasn't it. But he is a grown-up and responsible for himself.

Given everything you say about him, it is unlikely he will change. You have already, rightly, told him to sort himself out, and his response has been to up the ante of scare-tactics, rather than to take responsibility for himself.

Your children are being scarred by this behaviour in the home. It is teaching them very damaging, and lasting, lessons about behaviour in relationships. You are suffering too. Of course you are suffering: you are being bullied.

It is time to examine your options to leave this man:
Get your finances in order,
Speak to a solicitor,
Inform yourself about working tax credits you would be entitled to.

CogitOIOIO Mon 22-Dec-14 09:49:57

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. I'm sorry for you and I'm especially sorry that your poor children are growing up in such a dysfunctional and damaging environment. I'm glad you stand up to him but, as things aren't improving and since your children are frightened and you're suffering from the tight chest that comes with acute stress and anxiety, I think it's time to accept that this relationship should probably end.

In short... 'LTB'

ocelot41 Mon 22-Dec-14 09:54:33

Good Lord! He wants you to know where all his clothes are? And he shouts and throws things around if he can't find what he wants? Seriously?????

Poor you, OP.sad

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 22-Dec-14 09:56:24

I don't really know how to deal the situation I'm in

You finish this sad sorry mess of a relationship.

Donkeysleighbellsringing Mon 22-Dec-14 10:11:06

Being a SAHM did not mean that you were a dogsbody for your partner to treat badly. Fast forward and you have gone back to work and evidently he still thinks he can boss you around.

Try and think of any logical reason you couldn't cope without the shouting and bad atmosphere. ? No me neither.

When did he last show spontaneous affection, how often do you hear him say "I love you"? Words are just words if not backed up by deeds. It doesn't sound as if he is modelling loving decent behaviour to the children.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 22-Dec-14 10:15:59

You are being abused and your children are witnessing it

There is no way to "fix" this

Melanietree Mon 22-Dec-14 10:37:07

Thanks very much for the support, its put things in perspective.
I have rarely been given spontaneous affection, and frankly when i look back and what i used to do i feel like ive given up a lot especially fun things. I think i met my partner at a vulnerable and low point in my life.
Luckily I can work now and I have taken up a sport I enjoy.

I am not married so makes the situation more complex. I contributed to half of the deposit on our first flat, money on our next house and paid for our current car but nothing is in my name. I have to accept that I will probably end up with nothing financially, which has been a big factor to me. Im trying to work out a positive strategy.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Mon 22-Dec-14 10:41:40

Bullshit, you won't end up with nothing - go to a bloody good solicitor, if you've contributed to the mortgage etc., then you are entitled to some of the money,

I wish women knew that if a man is careful enough to ensure her name doesn't go on the property when she has had children with him, then he is up to No Good.

And when you've sorted out everything and are ready, LTB. Because he is a piece of work that you just don't need.

Twinklebells Mon 22-Dec-14 10:48:52

You need a shit hot lawyer to work out a positive strategy.

davejudgement Mon 22-Dec-14 10:49:14

You will have evidence of transferring funds and contributing payments

Melanietree Mon 22-Dec-14 12:45:49

Thanks for the advice. I am from another country which has better rights for unmarried women in domestic partnerships so was completely naive about my situation.
In my country I would have just had to prove I had been living with my partner for the last two years to get the same legal protection as married couples. Should have insisted on either getting married or separate named assets in retrospect. My partner has treated me as if I have been on one long holiday being a sahm so im not expecting fair treatment if we separated. He refers to the house and the car as his, not ours.

Quitelikely Mon 22-Dec-14 13:10:41

Have you got proof that you transferred money to him for the deposits?

Is it a large sum? If it isn't i would seriously think about letting it go.

You will be entitled to financial assistance if you split from the government in the form of childcare cost help, child benefit and tax credits depending upon your earnings.

You will also be entitled to 15 percent of your partners income as maintenance for the children.

Try to consider a future away from this man.

Windywenceslas Mon 22-Dec-14 13:56:11

Sometimes it's better to start from scratch and just get away. You have a job and many many women in your situation leave with much less. You can do it. Get legal advice to see what your rights are, you have children so he'll need to pay towards them, and you might get tax credits.

RubbishMantra Mon 22-Dec-14 15:45:18

Oh Melanie, what an awful situation for you and the DCs. This man chooses to be a bullying, entitled twat, but blames you for his behaviour. I had an ex like this, I was terrified of him. He'd rant at me if something he saw on TV offended him.

You seem to know that you need to get rid, I wish you strength in doing so.

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